


Disappear

by Bleakmidwintr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/M, Heartache, Past Abuse, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 71,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21586621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleakmidwintr/pseuds/Bleakmidwintr
Summary: After Bucky makes the decision to break your heart and end things between the two of you, you leave the Avengers without saying goodbye. 3 years later you are placed in a situation that forces you to face them and work together as a team to stop a threat. Problem is your new team, including your husband has been ordered to join you. It shouldn’t matter that you’re married now because Bucky was the one that ended things with you right?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 17
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: 

The sound of Y/N’s heels clicking on the linoleum floor echoed loudly around her as she made her way to the door at the end of the hall. She cursed herself for choosing such loud shoes to wear in the one place she wanted to go unnoticed. When she reached the end of the hall she began to move her hand to open the door and then stopped.

“Alright Y/N. You go in, say what you have to say and then get out of here. No one will see you, and no one will know you were here.” She said and then looked over her shoulder to make sure no one heard her talking to herself.

She took a deep breath, then pushed the door open and stepped inside before she could talk herself out of this. The room was spacious with a few chairs and a reception desk sitting directly in front of her. The receptionist looked up at her and smiled which made Y/N feel better.

“Y/N hello! I was beyond surprised to see your name on his list of meetings today.” She said, the smile still on her lips.

“It’s good to see you Liz! It’s been a long time.” Y/N smiled back and approached the desk.

“That it has. He’s almost ready for you. He’s just finishing up his previous meeting.” Liz informed her and then motioned for Y/N to take a seat in one of the chairs.

Y/N walked over to the chairs and after sitting down, she pulled out her tablet to began going through her presentation. Just being in this building made her squirm in her seat nervously and she had to stop her knee from shaking uncontrollably, making her look like a maniac. She had just begun biting her nails instead when the door to the office opened and she held her breath as she glanced up to see Clint walk up to Liz’s desk. Y/N sighed with relief and even though she was glad to see him, she kept her head down reading her tablet.

“Hey Liz, here’s that report Fury was looking for. Although I’m not sure why it was such a rush, I still had a week to hand this in.” Clint said with annoyance in his voice.

“Right, well he just needs it. I’ll be sure to give it to him after he is done with his next meeting.” Liz said while nodding her head in Y/N’s direction, encouraging Clint to look her way.

“Okay thanks.” Clint said and then turned to walk away

“Because his next meeting is LONG OVERDUE.” Liz said, once again nodding in Y/N’s direction, this time a bit more exaggerated.

“Got it.” Clint said, not getting the hint .

“Clint, his next meeting won’t take too long so maybe you want to wait and explain it all to him?” Liz suggesting now pointing directly at Y/N now and nodding her head in a ridiculous fashion. 

“Not necessary Liz, it’s all in the report.” Clint replied, now almost all the way to the door.

“Clint, would you just look this way so Liz doesn’t pull her neck out.” Y/N said casually causing Clint to stop in his tracks and turn to face her.

“Y/N?” He said staring at her shocked.

“Hey Clint.” Y/N said shyly.

“That is what you’re going to say to me? You just disappeared. No note, no goodbyes, nothing.” He snapped and Y/N looked at the floor.

“What do you mean… you know what it doesn’t matter, I’m sorry.” She said quietly and he shook his head.

“Do you know how long we looked for you? Do you know what you did to us?” He asked, ignoring her apology.

“I know, I told Fury…” She was interrupted by Clint walking up to her and throwing his arms around her.

“I’m so fucking mad at you. We looked for you everywhere. How could you do this to me and Nat? The only way we knew you were alive is because Nat tracked you down to the Australian Safe House, but by the time we made it there you had moved on and we lost you after that.” He said and she buried her face in his neck as tears began streaming down her cheeks. 

“I’m so sorry Clint, I wanted to call you so badly. I picked up the phone so many times over the years but couldn’t bring myself to call you.”

“Why not? What happened that made you up and decide to leave all of us?” He asked his voice filled with emotion.

“You don’t know?” Y/N asked pulling back so she could see Clint’s face.

“No. No one knew of anything that would cause you to leave.”

“No one?” Y/N asked incredulously.

“I mean we figured that it had something to do with you and Bucky but you know what he’s like. Nat grilled him after you left but he said nothing happened and to leave it alone.” Clint said reaching up and placing his hand on her cheek.

“I guess I should’ve expected this. Well it’s not important anymore, that’s the past.” Y/N said reaching up and placing her hand over Clint’s.

“Yeah… so let’s talk about the future.” Clint said grabbing Y/N’s left hand and gawking at the large ring on her finger. “You’re engaged?”

“Um, married actually.” She replied and covered the ring with her right hand. She really didn’t want to get into it now with Clint. 

To her relief, Fury’s door opened up behind her.

“You can join us now.” He said motioning to the boardroom behind him.

She nodded her head and then looked back at Clint.

“Are you going to be around after your meeting or are you leaving again?” Clint asked

“I’m glad I got to see you again Clint.” Y/N sighed, offering him a sad smile.

She grabbed her things off the chair, glancing back at Clint one last time before disappearing into the boardroom.

The room was exactly how Y/N remembered it and she began reminiscing about the many meetings she had sat through in these chairs. She was so caught up in her memories that she failed to notice the other person in the room besides Fury.

“What the hell is this?” A voice said from her right and she looked over to see Steve sitting at the table

“Is there a problem Captain Rogers?” Fury asked taking a seat at the table across from Steve

“You can’t be serious, of course there’s a problem.” Steve snapped and then glared at Y/N

“Good to see you too Steve.” Y/N said sarcastically as she set her bag down and took a seat at the head of the table.

“She has information that we need to hear.” Fury said unapologetically and then leaned back in his seat, leaving Steve staring with his mouth open. “You may begin Agent Y/L/N”

Y/N paired her tablet with the large screen in the room and then walked to the front of the room to began speaking, looking at Director Fury.

“As I stated in our recent correspondence, the NPA has been…”

“Wait, you two have been corresponding?” Steve interrupted

“I’ve been in contact with Y/N over the last 2 and a half years. No I didn’t tell any of you and the reason why is none of your business.” Fury informed Steve

“What’s the NPA?” Steve asked, choosing to deal with what Fury just said later. 

“The National Protection Agency. Now please proceed Agent Y/L/N.” Fury said glaring at Steve. 

“As I was saying, based on my past experiences with the Avengers, the NPA chose my team to take the lead on itel they had acquired on a new Hydra fraction. Over the years we have been hearing of underground Hydra organizations, but they were scattered and leaderless. Their movements and actions have been minimal until recently. It seems that Alexander Pierce had a son, Marcus Pierce.” She tapped on the screen of her tablet and a picture of the man in question appeared on the large screen behind her. “For years he was being groomed by Pierce to become an important member of Hydra but when his father was killed he stepped away from the group, only recently surfacing with the intentions of putting Hydra back together.”

Y/N tapped the screen on her tablet again and a document appeared on the screen.

“We have been trying to track down Marcus Pierce for sometime now, but his Hydra contacts have been making it impossible to pin him down. Last week we finally got a break when we discovered that Pierce will be holding an underground rally here in the US to attract the remaining members here to his cause. In 10 days time we know exactly where he is going to be and will have the opportunity to take him into custody and end this uprising now while it is still manageable.”

Y/N then looked over at Steve and saw he was refusing to look at her.

“Knowing how important it is to shut this down now and if there is failure on this mission it would directly impact… members of your team, I have convinced the NPA to let the Avengers handle the capture of Marcus Pierce, finally putting an end to Hydra once and for all.”

With this Steve begrudgingly looked up at Y/N and then looked at Fury.

“We accept.” Steve stated and then stood up.

“Great!” Fury said smiling. “Only one small change in the plans. I have spoken to Agent Y/L/N’s superiors at the NPA and we all agree that due to the magnitude of this mission, both teams should be involved. So Y/N and her team will be joining the Avengers on this mission and we are putting both you Steve and Y/N in charge of the teams together.”

“WHAT?” Both Y/N and Steve said in unison.

“I trust that you will both work together professionally, putting any personal issues aside to set a good example for your teams. Y/N, your team is currently preparing for their mission and have an ETA of 17:00 tomorrow evening. You can stay in your old room and we will have accommodations prepared for your team when they arrive. I have sent someone to your hotel to gather your things and they should be in room when you get there. Are there any questions?”

“No sir. Thank you.” Y/N said shaking her head.

“Cap?” Fury asked, tilting his head.

“Apparently not.” Steve said and then ran his hands through his hair.

“Alright. You two have a lot to discuss so I will let you get to it.” Fury smiled at them and then left the room.

Y/N stood frozen for a moment not sure what her next move was. As a thousand emotions raged through her, she had to place her hand down on the table to steady herself.

“I can’t believe you. Who the hell do you think you are, walking in here after what you did?” Steve snapped at her and she turned to see he was standing directly behind her.

“Cap honestly, reign yourself in. We have to endure 10 days together and I refuse to deal with your sanctimonious bullshit the entire time.” Y/N snapped back and then walked over and began packing up her bag.

“Sanctimonious bullshit? You walked out on your goddamn team and didn’t look back. The damage you did is irreversible and if you think I’m going to let you walk back in here and just pretend like nothing happened you are sadly mistaken. You don’t care about a single person here and I know this, because you threw them all away so thoughtlessly.”

“You have no idea what happened and why I left. I mean I’m not surprised that you would blatantly look past your old pal Bucky’s possible role in any of this and place all of the blame directly on my shoulders. For one second though, why don’t you stop and think about how fucking hard it was for me to leave, not to mention the fact that HE got to stay with all of you and get through this with your support. I had no one. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do Steve and I am still hurting.” Y/N shot back

“Yeah I can tell that you are still completely broken up about it. It’s abundantly clear by the giant fucking ring on your finger and the fact that you are practically parading it around here.” Steve yelled back at her.

Y/N look at her ring again and bit back her tears. She should have never have come back here.

“You have no right to judge me. As for who you are actually concerned about in this whole thing, I can assure you that Bucky won’t give a shit about the fact that I got married. HE was the one who…” Y/N could feel her emotions starting to get away from her and ran her hands over her face. “No, you know what? I’m not doing this. I’m jet lagged and I have a headache. Based on your reception and the fact that in my absence you have all decided to judge me I think it’s safe to assume the rest of the team will be just as thrilled to see me as you are. So I’m going to go to my room and try and forget where I am. I’ll meet you in the training room in tomorrow afternoon to discuss strategy.” Y/N said and then left the room before Steve could argue with her any further.


	2. Chapter 2

Y/N had barely made it to the elevator when everything caught up with her and as soon as the doors closed tears began streaming down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away and took three deep breaths so she would be ready when she got off the elevator on the Avengers floor. She hoped that they would all be busy with other things around the facility so there would be no one hanging around the floor. She knew that she would have to face them eventually but the longer she could put it off the better. When the elevator arrived on her floor she took a step out and stopped to listen. When she was met with silence she sighed with relief and started to head down the familiar hallway that would take her to her room. When she got to the door to her room she stopped again and looked at the door next to hers. Before she had left that had been Bucky’s room and she wondered if he had changed rooms since. Shaking the thought out of her head, she opened her door and stepped into her room. It was as if time had stood still. Everything was exactly as she had left it, down to the glass she would keep on her nightstand for water. Something about the room was bothering her though and she cautiously stepped further in and closed the door. She walked over to her bed and sat on the edge taking it all in, when it finally hit her what was bothering her. The room was clean, spotless actually. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere and nothing was out of place.

“Tony probably had it cleaned weekly.” She thought to herself and then made a note to thank him for looking after her stuff.

Tired already from the day’s events she decided to take a long hot shower and then curl up in bed for a couple of hours. She stripped off her clothes and headed into the bathroom thinking that when she got out of the shower she should give her husband a call.

Bucky had spent the morning in the gym like he had everyday for as long as he could remember. Steve always insisted that they get up early and get their workout out of the way so the rest of their day was free for training and meetings. Except today Steve was a no show. It took Bucky 2 hours before he remembered that Steve had a meeting this morning with Fury, and by that time he had finished the workout and was heading back to his room to shower. He had just entered his room and stripped off his shirt when he suddenly froze. The shower was currently running in the room next to his. He burst out of his room and pounded on the door with such force he was surprised he didn’t knock it down.

“Hey open up!” He shouted and then banged his fist against the door. “I said open up!”

Down the hall Steve had rounded the corner, after having searched the facility all over for Bucky. Seeing Bucky at Y/N’s door made his stomach jump into his throat and he started running down the hall in a panic.

“Buck what are you doing?” He asked standing between Bucky and the door, much to Bucky’s annoyance.

“There is someone in Y/N’s room, and since everyone knows that no one is allowed in there, I’m trying to find out who the hell is intentionally trying, and succeeding, to piss me off this morning.” He pushed Steve out of the way and pounded his fist against the door over and over.

“Bucky stop there is something I have to tell you. Please just stop and…”

Before Steve could finish his sentence, the door swung open to reveal a pissed off, soaking wet Y/N who had her right hand clutching a towel around her body.

“Jesus Christ Bucky! I mean I knew that you’d be pissed off that I was here but this is a little extreme don’t you think?” 

Bucky stood there in shock not knowing what to say. Of all the people who he thought would open that door, Y/N was definitely not one of them.

“I didn’t… What are you doing here?” Bucky asked in a soft voice.

“I’m here for the mission. Don’t worry I’m only here for 10 days and then I’ll be gone again.” Y/N said and then ran her left hand threw her wet hair.

The diamond on her engagement ring flashed in Bucky’s eyes and his face hardened.

“Good.” He said gruffly and then turned and went to his room, slamming his door for emphasis.

Steve looked at Bucky’s closed door and then at Y/N. He could swear that she had tears in her eyes but wasn’t sure because of the droplets of water that already adorn her body.

“You want to add anything Steve or are we done?” Y/N snapped

“I’m… I’m sorry.” Steve apologized and Y/N shook her head.

“No your not.”

Feeling her tears starting to spill over, she quickly shut her door and then pressed her forehead against it.

She had known it was over between her and Bucky, but a tiny part of her had hoped that he would’ve been glad to see her. That he would beg for forgiveness and tell her that he had been wrong to do what he did.

Instead of getting back into the shower she headed to her dresser searching for some clothes to put on. She opened the drawer and ran her fingers over the clothes left behind so many years before. Her hand stopped over a shirt sitting on top of all the others. It had been her favorite shirt to wear and it also happened to be the first item of clothing that she had stolen from Bucky. The shirt was huge on her and had Brooklyn est 1917 written in large letters across the front . Clint had got it for him thinking it was clever but Bucky hardly ever wore it and eventually Y/N stole it from him the first time they spent the night together.

She quickly moved her hand away from the shirt, instead grabbing a pair of shorts and a tank top and then crawled into her bed bringing her tablet with her. With all this hate being directed at her she needed to talk to someone who loves her.

She dialed the number for home and waited anxiously as it rang. All her stress and tension disappeared as soon as Ian’s face lit up her screen.

“There’s my bonnie lassie! How are ye?” He said optimistically but Y/N frowned.

“I never should’ve come back here.” She said tears filling her eyes again.

“That bad huh.” His thick Scottish accent making her miss home even more.

“Well let’s see, they all hate me, none of them know what actually happened so by default they blame me and I have to be here for the next ten days. Oh and I’ve cried like 3 times already. I can’t do this.” 

“Och aye lass ye can. And it’s not like ye have to do it alone, I’ll be there to help.”

He had placed his own tablet down on the nightstand while he continued to pack, but Y/N could still see him.

“Not soon enough though” Y/N pouted and Ian chuckled.

“Yer gonna get wrinkles if ye keep scrunching up yer face like that.” He teased “Why do you not let me distract you a wee bit. What do ye need from home?”

“My gear obviously. So my cuffs, my blades and extra blades.” She said still pouting

“Aye, Alex has packed all yer gear, and yer new cuffs. What else?”

“I need more clothes, I only packed enough for a couple of days.”

“Aye got ye covered there, what else?”

“Ian could you… could you bring my meds?” She asked shyly and he froze.

“All of them?”

“Yeah, Sarah should have a stash tucked away for emergencies. Just get her to bring them.” Y/N said and then ran her hand down her face.

When she looked back Ian’s face was taking up the whole screen again and he was frowning while he tapped on the screen.

“Ian what the hell are you doing?” Y/N asked twisting her head to try and figure it out on her own.

“I’m getting my arse there as soon as possible. I’ll take a flight tonight and the rest of the team can join us tomorrow. If yer asking for yer meds, ye need me now love.”

“No Ian, it’s fine. Just a precaution is all. Honestly talking to you is helping immensely.” She said and smiled to show him she was okay.

“Fine, but at least tell someone there what’s going on wi’ ye. You cannae do this alone.”

Thinking about the fact that she didn’t have anyone here anymore that she could tell, her face fell and she tried to recover quickly enough that Ian wouldn’t see, but he saw.

“Have ye nae spoken to Nat yet?” He asked, tilting his head.

“No, but I’ve seen Clint. He’s mad at me, but he missed me.” Y/N began twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers, something she did when she was nervous.

“Well if that wasn’t sae bad, why are ye still nervous about seeing Nat?”

“I also saw Cap, and he was furious that I’m here. I think that Nat will be the same way.”

“Well ye won’t know until ye try.”

“I know, I’m just not currently in the mood to get yelled at. I uh… I also saw Bucky.” She said the last part nervously.

“Did ye now. And how did that go?” He asked with raised eyebrows.

“He was… cold.” Y/N said sadly.

“Och of course he was. What a prick.”

“Ian.” Y/N said and rolled her eyes.

“What? I get to hate the man that broke ye. It’s mah job. Ye forget that I was the one who was there when ye were at your worst lass. I had to watch ye put yerself back together and it took years before yer smile met yer eyes. Aye lass that man is a prick.” 

“We have ten days that we have to work together with him, are you going to be able to handle this?” Y/N asked concerned and Ian responded with a grunt.

Deciding to deal with it when he got here, Y/N changed the subject.

“Hey, did Toby agree to watch Rollie again while we’re gone?”

“Aye he did. Yer wee fat doggy will be well taken care of. ” Ian said with a smirk

“Good! Make sure you tell him only four cups of food this time. Last time we went on a mission, he overfed Rollie and we came home to a fat lazy dog.” Y/N said pretending to be mad

“Y/N he’s always a fat lazy dog. For Christ Sakes ye named him Rollie Pollie for a reason!” 

“Just tell Toby please?”

“Aye Lass, I will. Yer wee beasty will be fine. Alright, I’ll be there tomorrow. If ye need me, call. I’ll answer, nay matter the time.”

“I will. I love you babe.” Y/N said smiling.

“Love you too.”

After Y/N disconnected she decided to lay down for a couple of hours and get some sleep. She crawled in under the covers and laid her head on the pillow, finally feeling relaxed since the first time she had arrived in New York. It didn’t take her long before she started to drift off, and the last thought she had was that she could swear she could still smell Bucky’s cologne on her sheets.


	3. Chapter 3

Y/N woke up abruptly several hours later unsure of where she was and what woke her up. She was reaching for the gun she kept in her nightstand when a loud scream rang out and everything snapped into place. She was up and in front of Bucky’s door, reaching for the doorknob, before she realized what she doing. She pulled her hand back quickly and stood staring at the door in shock when another scream came from behind the door and she move to run to Bucky’s aid.

“Y/N?” Steve hissed from beside her. “What are you doing?”

“N-nothing. Force of habit I guess.” She said stepping away from the door.

“I’ve got this.” Steve snapped and walked into Bucky’s room, closing the door a little too hard behind him.

Y/N shook her head and decided to go back to her room, but as soon as she turned she was face to face with Nat.

“So it’s true, you’re back” She said tersely.

“For now.” Y/N replied

“How long?”

“Nine days.” Y/N was having a hard time looking at Nat, her guilt overwhelming.

“Where’d you go?”

“Melbourne, Johannesburg, Cairo, Berlin all in the first month. Then I went to a small town called Ivalo in Finland where I stayed for about 5 months. It was about that time the NPA tracked me down and convinced me to make the move to Scotland. Been there ever since.”

“Thought you would hit Asia, but I guess I didn’t really know you like I thought I did.” Nat said bitterly, her emotion starting to show.

“Nat my head wasn’t on straight and I wasn’t thinking clearly. All I was thinking about was getting as far away from here as possible. It took me almost six months before I came out of the haze and realized that in leaving Bucky, I left all of you too. By that time it was too late to call. I’m sorry Nat. I’m so so sorry”

“Too late? Good to know. I mean I didn’t stop looking for you for two years, but if I would’ve known six months was the limit I could’ve stopped then, saved myself the hassle” 

“Nat please, believe me when I say I thought about you everyday. You’re the only family I have ever had and I missed you so much it hurt me physically.” Y/N said with tears in her eyes.

“It’s a little late for apologies Y/N. Besides, you’ve got a new family now. You don’t even need me and Clint now so I’m not sure why you even bother coming back.” Nat said and then turned and walked away leaving Y/N in tears.

Feeling her emotions rising and knowing that sleeping it off wasn’t an option, Y/N decided to turn to the one place she thought might be a safe haven for her. She went into her room to changed into some jeans and a t-shirt and then headed to the kitchen to make two cups of coffee. After adding the sugar and cream she headed to the elevator and pressed the button for the top floor. When the elevator arrived on the floor she walked out and heard the faint clinking of metal on metal and smiled. Walking down the hall she stopped at the door and leaned against the door frame.

The scene in front of her warmed her heart and she took a moment to observe before interrupting. Tony was lying on the ground with one of his suits positioned above him as he tinkered with the inner workings. Beside him were two robotic arms that he treated like pets. One was holding a glass of Scotch, the other seemed to be in charge of tools.

“Hand me the wire cutters.” He commanded and the arm passed him a wrench. “You’re going to end up as scrap metal soon I swear. And you, if you drop that Scotch, you’re going to the dump.”

“You know, you could just hire an actual person to help you with all of this. It’s not like you can’t afford it.” Y/N called out to him and Tony froze momentarily.

“Tried it once, it was too much hassle. They kept complaining about needed a safe working environment and something about reasonable work hours.” Tony replied and continued working.

“Yeah maybe stick to these two.” Y/N said entering the lab and sitting down on the floor beside Tony.

He continued working for a few minutes in silence before sliding out and holding out his hand for his coffee.

“You make it right?” He asked while looking at the cup suspiciously.

“Taste it and find out.” Y/N said taking a sip of her own coffee.

Tony took a sip and then nodded his head slightly.

“Glad you’re back kid. These two can’t make a good cup of coffee to save their lives.” Tony said finally smiling.

“Well as long as you’re glad to see me, that’s all that matters.” Y/N said with a small smile and took another sip of coffee.

“Give the team a break Y/N. You of all people know how hard it is when someone you love abandons you.” 

“Don’t think that hasn’t occurred to me. What I did was shitty and I deserve their anger, it’s just hard to take in all at once. Besides Clint, you’re the first person that hasn’t looked at me like you want me to leave again, and let me tell you, it’s very tempting.”

“If you knew it was wrong and knew it would hurt us, why’d you leave kid?” Tony asked

“Honestly, at the time I wasn’t thinking about the consequences, I was only thinking about getting as far away from here as possible. The reason why I left doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is I hurt you all and I have to find a way to make it up to you, earn your trust back. If I can’t then I’ll understand. Like you said, I know better than anyone what it feels like.” 

“As far as I’m concerned kid, we’re good. Don’t know if that makes a difference or not, I mean I’m not Nat or Steve, but there it is.” Tony shrugged.

Y/N crawled over to Tony and hugged him tightly, making him extremely uncomfortable.

“It means the world to me Tony.”

“Alright, alright. That’s enough of that.” Tony said moving to push her off, but first squeezed her arm gently.

“I messed up pretty badly here.” Y/N said sadly

“Don’t be so hard on yourself kid. It’s not like you’re the first one of us to take off. Look at Banner and Thor, they’ve been gone since Ultron. I thinks it’s just different with you because of your history with Nat.”

Y/N nodded and picked up her coffee again. Thinking hard about what Ian said she looked up at Tony and realized she did still have an ally here.

“Hey Tony, you remember after New York, you would sometimes have panic attacks?”

“I may or may not know what you’re talking about.” Tony mumbled and began working on his suit again.

“Okay well after I left, my head wasn’t right. I had depression before, but I could deal with the highs and lows. Not this time though, this time it was different.”

Y/N decided to glanced up at Tony at this point, to gage his reaction and found him staring at her intently so she continued.

“I started having panic attacks about two months after I left. They were awful and I didn’t handle it well at all. I didn’t leave my rental for days on end and would sleep all the time. I started drinking to make it go away but that only made things worse. I was at my lowest point when Ian found me and helped me come out of the fog that was my mind. I slowly got things under control but had to rely on meds for quite some time. I haven’t had an attack in almost a year and I’m only having to take one pill daily now instead of the pharmacy I was ingesting before.”

“Jesus kid, I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.” Tony said sympathetically.

“Well that’s the thing, I’m still going through it. Every day is a struggle and being here is really taking a toll on me. That’s why I decided to tell you. I need someone who knows what I’m going through and that I can come to if things go badly for me, at least until Ian gets here. Also if we could keep this between us, that would be greatly appreciated.”

Tony stood up abruptly and started rummaging through the various drawers throughout the lab, not saying a word.

“I know it’s a lot to ask and if you don’t feel comfortable doing this because of your past I will completely understand.” Y/N said nervously, hoping she didn’t just put too much pressure on him.

“Ian, he’s your husband?” Tony called out over his shoulder

“What? Oh, um yeah. Listen it’s too much to ask you to do this. Let’s just pretend I never said anything about this. I’m just overreacting.” Y/N said standing up and getting ready to leave the lab.

“Found it!” Tony exclaimed and turned around to see Y/N looking at him unsure of what to do. “What are you doing? Of course it’s not too much. Here.” Tony held out his hand and was holding what looked like a watch. “I made this awhile ago when I was… having issues.”

Y/N looked at him curiously and then reached out and took the item out of his hand.

“It’s a monitor. It will measure your heart rate, your oxygen levels, your serotonin levels. Pretty much everything really. The minute things aren’t normal it alerts F.R.I.D.A.Y who will monitor you and call for help as needed. What I’ll do is program it so that F.R.I.D.A.Y discreetly lets me know what’s going on and I can come help you. Does that work?”

“Tony I don’t know what to say. This is perfect. I already feel better.” Y/N said sliding the monitor around her wrist. “Honestly Tony thank you.”

Y/N reached over and pulled Tony into a hug, which he reciprocated this time.

“I’ve got you kid. Anything you need, never hesitate to ask.”

Y/N pulled away from the hug and stepped back feeling one hundred times better than she did earlier.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. Seriously, thank you Tony. Oh and thank you for taking care of my stuff and having my room cleaned while I was gone. I appreciate that and I’ll make sure to pack it all up this time before I leave. Do we have any of those storage bins left over from when we moved from the tower?” 

“Um yeah we do, they should be in the back of storage, but I didn’t take care of your stuff for you. That was all Barnes. He wouldn’t let anyone go in there and would get mad if we tried.”

“Why?” Y/N asked surprised by the news

“Everyone just assumed that it was because he was hurting over you leaving. I figured it was guilt.” Tony said looking at Y/N with his eyes squinted.

“I’m not talking about it Tony.” Y/N said shaking her head.

She turned to walk out of the lab and was almost at the door when Tony called out to her.

“You should consider not packing up all your stuff. Maybe leave some of it here for the next time you visit.”

Y/N shrugged and then smiled. “Thanks again Tony.”


	4. Chapter 4

Y/N spent the next hour digging several large plastic moving bins out of storage and hauling them up the her room. She had figured that she would need about 5 bins. One for clothes, one for things she was keeping but was going to ask Tony to store for her, one for things she was going to bring home with her, one for her books and one final one for her Bucky stuff. Anything that didn’t fit into those options were either going to get tossed in the garbage or given away. She figured she would start with her Bucky bin as it was going to be the easiest to fill and she didn’t want to have the memories staring at her every time she was in here. Walking around the room she began to gather the various frames that held pictures of the two of them and placed them on her bed. Y/N and Bucky had been together for a year and a half and for a year and 5 months they had been extremely happy. Y/N pulled the picture off of her nightstand and look at it remembering the day it was taken.

It had been on gloomy and rainy fall day. Y/N and Bucky had been dating for a few months and they were still in the phase of their relationship where they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They had made love all morning and were curled up on the bed, Y/N wearing Bucky’s shirt and nothing else, Bucky only in his boxers. Y/N had her head on Bucky’s chest and was listening to his heart beating when Bucky leaned over and grabbed his Phone.

“What are you doing?” Y/N grinned looking up at him.

“This is a perfect moment. It’s peaceful, I’m happy, and I’m safe. I want to remember this but my memories aren’t always reliable. If I take a picture I can look at it and know it was real.” Bucky explained and Y/N nodded.

She raised herself up so she was at the same height as him and turned his head, placing a gentle kiss on his lips right when he took the picture.

“I will never make you doubt that this is real, I promise.” She said as she pressed her forehead to his.

“I hope not, because I think I falling in love with you and it scares the hell out of me.” Bucky whispered and Y/N nodded.

“Don’t worry, I’m right here with you.”

Reaching up and wiping the tears that were rolling down her face, Y/N then placed the frame on the bed, turning it over so she couldn’t see the picture anymore. She had known this would be hard and decided to quickly gather the rest of the Bucky related items but not focus on the memories they were stirring in her. After gathering various pictures, books, gifts and clothing and placing them on the bed she began wrapping the breakables in packing paper and placed everything in the bin neatly. The last item she placed in the bin was Bucky’s shirt, debating if he would want it back or not. It had been a gift after all and she had no right to keep it at this point. Undecided she pushed Bucky’s bin to the side of the room and began going through her books, placing them into the bin. Lost in the process she only noticed that the sun was up when there was a soft knock at her door. She walked over to the door and prayed that the face on the other side was friendly. Opening it she was greeted by Clint smiling.

“So are you going to hide in here the whole time you’re here or are…” He stopped and glanced back at the moving bins scattered throughout the room. “Packing already?”

“Yeah well I figure I would get some stuff out of the way.” Y/N explained, walking into her room and sitting down on her bed.

Clint walked in and glanced down at the Bucky bin and nodded.

“I get it, you wouldn’t want pictures of your ex all over the place when your husband arrives. Make sense.” He sat on the bed beside her.

“No it was more like I didn’t want to look at any of that stuff anymore.” Y/N said and then reached up and began rubbing her shoulder. “What time is it?”

“8:30. How long have you been doing this?” He asked glancing again at the half full bins.

“Well Bucky had a nightmare so that woke me, then I saw Nat and she wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me, so I went to see Tony and after that I came back here and have been packing ever since.” Y/N said and then yawned.

“Well why don’t you come and have some breakfast. The team is all waiting for you.” Clint said and Y/N frowned.

“No thanks, I already know of at least three people who don’t want to see me and I’m to tired to get yelled at by the rest of the team all at once.”

“Actually Nat and Steve left to go pick up some supplies that Tony ordered because we are doubling in numbers so there is only really Bucky and he is outnumbered because the rest of the team is excited that you’re back.”

“I don’t know.” Y/N said still unsure.

“Come on there is coffee and Sam made pancakes just for you.” Clint said nudging Y/N’s shoulder.

“Sam made pancakes? Chocolate chip pancakes?” Y/N asked and Clint stood up holding out his hand.

“Of course, they’re your favorite.”

Y/N smiled and reached out taking Clint’s hand allowing him to pull her up from the bed and lead her out into the hall. As they made their way in silence to the kitchen Y/N started to become anxious and squeezed Clint’s hand.

“You know Nat will come around eventually right? She’s just hurt that you left. Now that you’re back it will take her a bit to get over that hurt but she still loves you. Everyone here does and we all really missed you.”

“I don’t know what to say to everyone. Everyone thinks I just left for no reason, that I had a choice in the matter. No one knows what happened and yet they blame only me for leaving.” Y/N said sadly

“So tell us why you left. Explain your side of the story.” Clint said looking over at Y/N

“I don’t understand, why the hell did Bucky keep this a secret, it was his damn fault.” Y/N grumbled and then turned to Clint. “Clint he broke me, one minute we were fine and the next minute he..”

“THERE YOU ARE!” Wanda screeched and came running up to Y/N, throwing her arms around her.

“Oh wow Wanda, I missed you so much!” Y/N said hugging her tightly.

“We’ll finish this conversation later.” Clint said and then made his way over to the kitchen table where the rest of the team was sitting.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” Wanda whispered into Y/N’s ear. “It hasn’t been the same without you.”

“I wish everyone felt that way.’ Y/N sighed

“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Wanda said smiling and pulled Y/N towards the table.

“Hey guys guess who decided to grace us with her presence?” Wanda announced when you got close and everyone cheered.

Sam stood up and walked over to Y/N, pulling her into a bone crushing hug.

“Three years is a long time kid. Too long.” Sam said giving her an extra squeeze

“I know I’m sorry, I promise next time I won’t wait so long in between visits.” Y/N replied

“You’re not staying?”

“You’re coming back?”

Bucky and Sam said at the same time and it was the first time she noticed Bucky sitting at the table. Everyone froze and looked at Bucky and then Y/N waiting for a reply.

“Um no I’m not staying, I’m only here for the mission and then I’m leaving.” Y/N replied choosing to ignore Bucky’s comment.

She walked over to the empty spot at the table that was farthest away from Bucky but she could still see him, his blue eyes fixated on her.

“So Y/N, Tony tells us that your new team will be joining us here this evening?” Vision asked and Y/N smiled

“Yeah they’re coming to help with the mission. Our goal is to take down Hydra once and for all and I can think of no two better teams to come together to do so.”Y/N said starting to relax.

“What are they like?” Wanda asked and Y/N laughed

“They’re crazy and amazing. A lot like you guys. There are 6 of them all from different parts of the world. Alex is our weapons expert and he’s Canadian, nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Malcolm is our communications tech and he’s British. He tends to be quiet when you first meet him but once you get to know him he’s brilliant and hilarious. Sarah is our medic and she is originally from Mexico. She has a heart of gold. Of course I can’t forget the twins, Petra and Alexa. They’re from Russia and they also happen to be enhanced. They have the ability to teleport.” Y/N explained and then took a bite of pancakes.

“Who’s the sixth?” Sam asked

“Oh um, it’s Ian. He’s my second in command. He was in the Royal Scots Army until he was recruited. Obviously he’s Scottish and one of the best soldiers I know.” Y/N said quickly.

“And he’s your husband.” Tony added and Y/N blushed.

Across the table Bucky coughed and reached for his water to stop himself from choking.

“Wait you’re married?” Wanda asked excitedly.

“Um yeah.” Y/N said nervously and kept her eyes on her plate.

The team sat awkwardly looking at Bucky for a reaction. Bucky however got up and grabbed his plate leaving the table. Trying to ease the tension Sam spoke up.

“Well that’s great news Y/N! I can’t wait to meet this Ian.”

“Thanks Sam, I just hope everyone on my team gets a warm welcome, regardless of how people feel about me and this situation.” Y/N said loudly enough for Bucky to hear her in the kitchen

“Of course they will. They are more than welcome here.” Wanda replied and Y/N nodded her head. 

“Thanks Wanda.”

After that everyone filled Y/N in on what had been happening over the last three years and Y/N smiled glad she decided to come to breakfast. After everyone was done eating Y/N was helping Wanda and Vision clear the table and do the dishes.

“So Clint mentioned that you were packing up your room.” Wanda aid taking a plate from Vision and drying it off before handing it to Y/n to put away.

“Yeah, I figured it was time to clear out my room.” Y/N replied and then placed the plate in the cupboard.

“Do you want some help?” Wanda asked and Y/N smiled

“That would be great Wanda, I didn’t realize how much stuff I had in that room until I started going through it all.”

“Alright well why don’t you let me and Vision cleaning up here and I’ll come help as soon as we’re done.” Wanda said and patted Y/N on the shoulder

“Alright thanks Wanda!”

Y/N made her way to her room and left the door open for Wanda when she was done. She decided to tackle her walk in closet next and opened the door looking at all the clothes she had forgotten about long ago. Sighing she looked up at the shelving above the racks of clothes and remembered that she had stored a few things up there that she should pack up first. She went out and grabbed her computer chair, dragging it into the closet. Once it was securely in place she stepped up and began pulling down items from the shelf and then walking out and lacing them on her bed. When she was almost done she noticed a small box in the corner and pulled it out.

“I forgot you were in here.” She said quietly to the small music box in her hand.

Slowly she opened the top and the soft lullaby began to play. It was the only thing that Y/N had left from her childhood and the memories it brought back were not happy ones. Her memories of her parents were angry ones, filled with drugs, liquor and abuse. When she was 10 they told her to pack her things because they were moving to a new town. She had packed some clothes, a few dolls and her music box and excitedly got in the car, dreaming of her new home. After driving for what seemed like hours they stopped at a busy tourist attraction in Saint Petersburg, claiming they wanted to see the sites. While Y/N was staring in awe of a large beautiful building her parents snuck off, abandoning her in an unfamiliar place. She waited for them to come back for days before realizing they were never coming back. She wandered the streets after that struggling to survive. She had been on the streets for two months and was living behind a dumpster when Nat found her and took pity on her. Starving and weak Y/N allowed Nat to take her back to the Red Room with her. After that Nat took Y/n under her wing personally training her, always taking care of her. When Clint came to take Nat out but decided to turn her into an ally Nat’s only request was that they bring Y/N too.

Thinking back on everything Nat had done for her Y/N felt the weight of her actions heavy in her chest. She was about to go and see if she could find Nat to try and talk to her again when she heard a soft knock on her door.

“Come on in Wanda, I’m just grabbing some stuff out of the closet. Do you know if there is any newspapers around here cause I think I’m going to run out of… packing… “ Y/N trailed off when she came out of the closet and saw Bucky standing in her room instead of Wanda.

“There should be some newspapers in the front hall closet.” He said gruffly and looked around the room. “So you’re packing.”

“Yeah well it wasn’t exactly fair of me to leave this for you guys to clean up. Thank you by the way, Tony said you made sure my stuff was safe while I was gone.” Y/N looked over at him to gauge his response.

“I didn’t do it for you, I did it for Nat. She was having a hard enough time without having to go through all of your stuff.” Bucky replied and Y/N sighed 

“Right well, thanks anyways. Did you need something?” 

Instead of answering Bucky continued to look around the room, finally spotting the bin with all the stuff related to him. Walking over he picked up the shirt off the top.

“I was going to give that back to you, that’s why it’s on top.” Y/N explained but Bucky didn’t reply just glancing down into the box again.

Moving a few items around he finally stood up looking at the shirt again.

“It’s weird that a year and a half’s worth of our lives fits so neatly into a small plastic bin.” Bucky said placing the shirt back on top of the bin.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing earlier.”

Bucky turned around and looked at Y/N and for the first time since she had been back, his eyes weren’t filled with anger.

“Buck, why didn’t you tell them what happened. Why did you let the blame land solely on me?” Y/N asked her voice thick with emotion

“Honestly, it was easier that way. I knew if I told them what happened they would have turned on me. So I kept my mouth shut and acted like I didn’t know anything.” Bucky replied and Y/N swore he was showing remorse.

“Do you regret it?” Y/N pushed

“”What not telling them or…”

“You know what I’m asking Buck and it’s not if you regret not telling the team what happened between us.”

He looked at Y/N sadly for a full minute, his mouth opening and closing several times before before something in him changed and his face hardened.

“No. Not at all. Listen I didn’t come in here to talk about the past.” He snapped and Y/N stifled a sob

“Then why are you here?” She asked her voice betraying what she was desperately trying to hide. 

“I’m here because Steve told me that you almost came into my room last night when I was having a nightmare.” Bucky said angrily

“Like I told Steve, it was a force of habit. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I was right outside your door.”

“Well don’t let it happen again. I don’t want you in there, do you understand? I don’t need you any more.” Bucky looked at Y/N waiting for a response.

“Oh I understand all right. Now if you don’t mind leaving MY room that would be greatly appreciated.” Y/N snapped back and Bucky turned and left without saying anything further leaving Y/N to breakdown as soon as she heard Bucky’s door close.


	5. Chapter 5

As Y/N sat crying on her bed, she heard a soft knock on her door.

“C-come in.” She said and quickly began wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Y/N? Are you alright?” Wanda asked as she made her way over to the bed.

“Yeah Wanda, I’ll be okay. It’s just really hard being here, you know?” Y/N said and then stifled a sob

“I know. You still love Bucky very much, I can feel it.” She wrapped her arm around Y/N’s shoulder and pulled her into a hug.

“I have always loved him and I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. I’ve been holding onto this hope that when I did finally decide to come back that it would help me deal with this pain I have felt from losing him. But being here is just continuously opening that wound for me.”

“I don’t understand, I thought you had moved on, you’re married now?” Wanda asked carefully

“I am married, but… it’s complicated.” Y/N shook her head

“How so?”

“I would love to tell you, but it’s not just my story to tell.” Y/N said glancing down at her wedding ring.

Before Wanda could respond Tony burst suddenly into the room.

“I’m here.” He said breathlessly. “I’m here.”

“Tony what the hell?” Wanda asked clearly confused

“Y/N. I’m here. Are you..” He didn’t finish instead waved in her general direction.

Y/N looked at him confused and then finally saw a small red light shining on the watch that Tony had given her.

“Oh shit Tony, I’m sorry. I was really upset but Wanda came in and calmed me down.” Y/N said realizing F.R,I.D.A.Y. must have alerted him to her emotional state.

“Great yay!” Tony said sarcastically as he bent over and put his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

“The good thing is that we know it works.” Y/N said encouragingly

“Of course it does, I built it. Although I may change the setting a bit so it isn’t so… sensitive.” Tony stood up and looked at Y/N seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah Tony, I’m okay. Thank you though.” Y/N said and then went over and kissed Tony on the cheek causing him to blush.

“Right well I should get back to the… work.” Tony mumbled and then disappeared quickly out the door.

“What was that about?” Wanda asked Y/N

“It’s nothing, Tony’s just looking out for me. Anyways we should get back to packing.” Y/N said attempting to smile at Wanda.

“Yeah I bet you want to have most of this cleared out before Ian gets here.” Wanda said glancing at the Bucky bin.

“Yeah and I’m running out of time.” Y/N said and ran her hands through her hair.

“I thought they weren’t coming until this evening.” Wanda said glancing at the clock on Y/N’s beside table.

“True but I have to meet Steve in a few hours to go through our plan for the next ten days and by the time we are done that my team will be here.”

“We have plenty of time! I’ll help and we’ll get Sam, Clint and Vision to move the bins to storage once we are done with them.” Wanda said enthusiastically

“Thanks Wanda.” Y/N said gratefully.

“Alright where do we start?” Wanda asked cheerfully

A few hours later most of Y/N’s stuff was packed and the bins had been moved down to storage. The only ones that remained were the bins she was taking home with her, which were tucked neatly in the corner, and two others. One was a clothing bin and the other was the Bucky bin. They were just finishing going through Y/N’s closet and she was shocked at how much clothing she actually had owned when she lived here.

“What about this one?” Wanda asked holding up a long red gown.

“Again, I have no need for 20 fancy party gowns in Scotland. I took the blue one and that is all I need.” Y/N said exasperated covering her face with her hands

“But this one is so pretty!” Wand said holding the dress up to her body and spinning around.

“That’s what you said about every dress that you’ve pulled out of that closet. If you like it, you can have it, because I really don’t want it.” Y/N said falling back on the bed.

“I shouldn’t.” Wanda said looking over at the large pile of dresses that she had acquired so far.

“Come on Wanda just take the dress. Honestly it’s fine.” Y/N said peeking out from behind her hands 

“Alright but this is the last one I’m taking.” Wanda said smiling and placing the dress neatly on her pile of dresses.

“Is there even any left?” Y/N asked wishing this was over.

“Just one.”Wanda called out from the closet. “Oh wow this one is beautiful! I don’t recognize it though.” Wanda said coming out from the closet holding up a backless, black dress.

As soon as Y/N saw it her stomach dropped.

“That’s because I only ever wore it once and it was the night before I left.” Y/N said sitting up and taking the dress from Wanda.

“To Tony’s Gala?” Wanda asked sitting on the bed next to Y/N

“Yeah. Buck had been… distant the few weeks prior and I had this awful feeling that he was trying to avoid me. I decided that I had had enough, so I went out and got this dress hoping that I would catch his attention. That was when I had a broken arm, remember? I even had Helen change the color of the fiberglass to black so it would match the dress. It didn’t work though, at least not in the way I was hoping.” Y/N said standing up and walking over to the garbage bag in the middle of the room. Y/N stood there rubbing her fingers over the material of the dress. “It’s funny to think that I had actually thought a stupid frivolous dress would be the answer to our problems, when in reality…” Angrily she shoved the dress into the garbage bag and then tied it up.

“Y/N what happened between you two?” Wanda asked coming over and placing her hand on Y/N’s shoulder.

“I have to go meet Steve. Do you think you you can get the guys to move the rest of the bins to storage for me?” Y/N said evading Wanda’s question

“Yeah go, I’ll finish up here.” Wanda said sadly.

As soon as Y/N left the room Wanda went over to the garbage bag and pulled the dress out. She neatly folded it and set it on top of the Bucky bin before placing the lid on it and sealing it for storage. Just as she was retying the garbage bag, Clint, Vision and Sam walked into the room.

“Got some more bins for us ladies?” Clint asked looking around the room, then frowning. “Where’s Y/N?”

“She went to meet Steve. Guys I think Y/N’s struggling a lot more than she is letting on.” Wanda said, turning and looking at the guys

“You think?” Clint asks looking confused.

“Alright fine I know that she’s struggling.” Wanda sighed and then ran her hand through her hair. “She’s fighting to hold it together but the way Bucky, Nat and Steve are treating her is not helping at all. I’m afraid she is close to hitting her breaking point.” 

“Well I could try and talk to Steve, get him to back off a bit.” Sam said

“Yeah and I can talk some sense into Nat, remind her that Y/N is family. No matter what.” Clint chimed in

“That just leaves Lieutenant Barnes. I assume you wish for me to speak to him?” Vision asked and Wanda smiled.

“Thanks Vision but I think it would be better if you just helped by moving these boxes down to storage.”

Vision nodded his head and Wanda sighed.

“I’ll try and talk to Bucky. Maybe I can get him to at least give Y/N some space while she’s here. In the meantime, we need to show her some support, especially when her team arrives. We want her to feel welcome here not like she is being pushed away. The more welcome she feels the more likely when she leaves this time, it won’t be for good.”

“Is she talking about leaving?” Sam asked concerned.

“No, she’ll stay until the mission is over because that is just the way she is. When she commits to something, she sees it through.” Clint said and then shrugged “But she will leave when it’s over, and Wanda is right, when she does we want her to feel like she is always welcome to come back.” 

“Alright, well I’m going to help Vision take these boxes down and then go see if Steve is done with Y/N.” Sam said picking up a bin and heading out of the room.

Vision picked up the remaining bin and the garbage bag and followed Sam.

“I’ll go find Nat, see what I can do. Good luck with Bucky.” Clint said and with a nod left the room.

Wanda took a deep breath and headed out of Y/N’s room, closing the door and then heading over to Bucky’s door.

“Here goes nothing.” She murmured and rapped her knuckles lightly against the door.

“Yeah.” Bucky yelled gruffly from the other side of the door so Wanda walked into the room

“Hey Buck, do you have a sec?” Wanda said cautiously and then stopped suddenly.

Bucky was sitting on his bed with several notebooks, some photos and other nicknacks spread out around him. When he saw Wanda he quickly shoved it all into small box which he hastily shoved under the bed.

“Sorry I thought you were Steve. He was supposed to stop by this afternoon.”

“He’s meeting with Y/N right now. If you’re busy I can come back later.” Wanda suggested and motioned towards the door.

“No it’s fine. What did you need.” Bucky asked and gave her a half hearted smile.

“I just wanted to come and talk to you about Y/N.” Wanda said cautiously.

“What about her?” Bucky snapped

“I just…” Wanda stopped and looked Bucky over. He looked drained, emotionally and physically. “I wanted to see how you were doing.” Wanda asked and then made her way over and sat on the bed next to him.

“I’m fine, why?” Bucky answered shortly

“Buck, come on. I know we don’t talk a lot, but I’ve always felt that we had a mutual respect for each other, considering our similar pasts. So come on, tell me the truth here. I can see you’re exhausted, what’s going on?”

“I’ll admit… I haven’t been sleeping a lot lately.” Bucky sighed and brought his hands up to rub his face. “It’s been a little tense around here with Y/N being back.”

“Do you not want her here?” Wanda pushed 

“No, that’s not what it’s like at all. This is her home and her family’s here. She has every right to be here.” Bucky said softly

“I’m glad to hear you say that, because that’s part of the reason why I’m here. Y/N’s not doing great. Being back here is really hard for her and frankly, I’m worried about her.” 

“Is she… she’s okay though right?” Bucky asked becoming concerned.

“I honestly don’t know. Between the way Steve, Nat and you are all treating her, I don’t think she feels like this place is her home anymore at all. She’s lost Bucky and all this animosity is just making her doubt her decision to come home.”

“She told you that?”

“No. As soon as I went into her room this afternoon I read all of that from her instantly.” Wanda said looking over at him seriously. “Bucky I need you to cut her some slack. Especially when the rest of her team gets here. I know something bad happened between the two of you, and I get that neither of you want to talk about it so I’m not going to push you to tell me. But I know that deep down you still care about her and the last thing any of us want is for her to leave again and not come back.”

“I… fine. I’ll do my best, for you guys though. Not because I have any linger feelings for her or anything like that. What Y/N and I had was a mistake that lasted a lot longer than it should have.” Bucky said becoming tense again. 

Wanda sighed and shook her head.

“Got it. I guess I’ll leave you to finish what you were doing before I interrupted.” Wanda said getting up and heading to the door.

Once she was in the hallway she ran her hands over her face and shook her head again. She knew now that Bucky was handling this about as well as Y/N was and that this was going to lead to one of them getting hurt even worse than they are now. Especially since she could have sworn that the box Bucky had shoved under his bed had Y/N’s name written across the top of it.


	6. Chapter 6

Y/N walked into the training room, the weight of the stress she had been through the last few days wearing her down. She knew that this meeting was only going to add to her stress so she decided to take a moment before she went into the strategy room. Taking a deep breath and pushing her emotions deep down inside her, she walked into the room with her head held high.

“Steve.” She said and took a seat at the table across from Steve

“You’re late. I thought that we were meeting 15 minutes ago.” Steve responded angrily.

“I apologize, I got caught up with a personal errand. I assure you it won’t happen again.” Y/N replied politely, catching Steve off guard.

“Yeah well I hope not. We have a lot of ground to cover and not a lot of time.”

“I absolutely agree, so why don’t we go ahead and get started. Now I have seen both team in action and I think that I have a good perspective of everyone’s capabilities and who best to pair during training.”

“Well it’s been a few years since you’ve seen this team in action, we’ve come a long way since you left.” Steve said standing up and walking over to the glass board in the middle of the room. “So why don’t you just tell me your team’s strengths and I will pair them to my team.”

“Steve come on, this is ridiculous.” Y/N sighed and shook her head.

Looking up at Steve she saw he was staring her down with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Fine, let’s begin with the Twins. Petra and Alexa. Weapon of choice, their own hands. They can teleport and are efficient in the art of SAMBO.”

“SAMBO?” Steve asks while writing their names on the board.

“It’s Russian and basically translates to self-defense without weapons. I obviously suggest pairing them with Wanda and Vision.” Y/N said leaning back in her chair.

“Fine. Next.” Steve said shortly.

“Malcolm. Weapon of choice, electric batons. He is logical, smart, and every move he makes is calculated and meticulous. His preferred fighting style is a mix of street fighting and boxing. I suggest he pairs with you and Bu… Barnes.”

“Hmph. We’ll see about that. Next..” Steve said through gritted teeth

“Alex. Anything this man touches he can turn into a weapon. He mostly keeps various knives and guns on him. He is pretty much an expert in every form of fighting but his preference is Krav Maga, which is extremely impressive to see. I would suggest he pair with Nat.”

Steve didn’t respond so Y/N took it as her cue to continue.

“Sarah. Weapon of choice a whip. Honestly I have seen her throw a man across the room with that thing. She also is almost acrobatic, in that she can climb anything. As well he fighting style preference is Muay Thai. I would suggest pairing her with Rhodey and Tony.”

“Alright is that all?” Steve asked and Y/N shook her head.

“Ian. Weapon of choice is guns. Big, small it doesn’t matter. He is a marksman and one of the best shots I have ever seen. He is a soldier so he is skilled in various forms of fighting, but the Scottish in him prefers to use his fists. I would pair him with Clint.”

“And he is your husband.” Steve said bitterly.

“Considering that has nothing to do with his fighting skills I don’t see why that has any relevance on this conversation whatsoever.” Y/N snapped and Steve glared at her.

“So what about you? Who do you pair yourself with?” Steve asked snarkily

“Well we both know my skills and where I would normally fit in, however given the current circumstances I don’t think that would be an ideal situation. So what I will do is observe and try and go where I’m needed.”

“Agreed. Although I would love to see you and Nat go a few rounds, just to see if you kept up with your training.” Steve smirked

“I assure you, I did.”

Steve was pushing Y/N’s buttons and he knew it.

“Well I just hope we have enough time to train your team.” Steve said sitting in the chair across from Y/N

“Train my team? And what is that supposed to mean?” Y/N said struggling to control her temper

“Well I mean I’m sure that their are adequate fighters, but their not The Avengers. With a mission of this importance, I’m shocked that they didn’t put their best on it.”

“ENOUGH! The men and woman on my team all deserve your respect and I will not let you treat them this way. You of all people know that Hydra isn’t just States based, it’s everywhere and members of my team have been put through hell at the hands of those sadistic bastards. Just because they don’t have the Avengers logo on their chest, doesn’t mean that they don’t have a place in this fight. I get it you’re mad at me because you think I hurt Bucky so out with it. Yell and scream at me all you want, but get it out now because my team will NOT be drawn into this fight.”

“What do you want me to say? Am I mad at you? You’re damn right I am! You knew how fragile Bucky was, how easily it would be for him to slip back into the darkness and yet you left anyways. You said you loved him and he believed you, but you don’t walk away from someone that you love Y/N, you stick it out no matter what happens. I know it was hard, he was still recovering when you met him and you knew it would be a challenge but you committed to him regardless. When you left it killed him. He went so dark and no one, not even me, could pull him out of it. Believe me we tried. I would even find him curled up in your bed after he had a nightmare on more than one occasion and I had to sit there and watch him fall apart. So yeah I’m goddamn mad at you, you did this. It was selfish and cruel and I don’t know how to forgive you.”

Y/N shook her head a Steve glared at her. She was ready to snap and was cursing Bucky once again for laying this all on her. 

“You still don’t get it! It was him! He broke up with me Steve, and he did it in a way that was so final there would be no question in my mind that he didn’t want it to be over. The things he said, what he did? We could never come back from that. You want to talk about cruel? I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life, and that was a pretty high bar to hit. Then when it was done, he pushed me out the door. It was his choice for me to leave, not mine. What you’re saying he went through was not heartache, it was guilt.”

Y/N stood up and began pacing the room, her anxiety creeping up on her. Steve stared at her in shock not knowing what to say. She was about to add more but there was a knock at the door and Tony stuck his head in.

“Y/N you’re team is landing in the east field in approximately 15 minutes. I thought you might want to head over to be ready for them.” Tony said glancing down at her wrist.

Y/N looked down and saw the red light on the watch and nodded.

“Yes I do, thank you Tony.” She then turned to Steve. “So we’re done right? Because I will not let you bully or belittle me in front of my team. Going forward, when you speak to me, make sure that it is strictly professional. It’s fine when friends get involved in each other’s personal lives but you have made it abundantly clear that we are no longer friends. I suggest you take a minute and then come greet my team, it’s the courteous thing to do Captain Rogers.”

With that she walked out the door and across the training room floor, Tony close behind her.

“Just 20 more feet and then we will be in the hallway and you can let it out.” Tony said quietly and Y/N nodded.

Once they made it out of the training room Tony lead Y/N to a small alcove and she doubled over and started breathing heavily. Her mouth was dry and she instantly couldn’t think straight.

“Alright, I’ve got you. Deep breathes.” Tony cooed as he slowly encouraged her to sit down on the floor.

Collapsing onto her knees, she closed her eyes and began focusing on Tony’s calming words and her breathing.

“You’re okay. Just take some deep breaths and relax. You’re team will be here any minute.” Tony said and Y/N looked up at him, relaxing slightly.

“Ian.” She sighed

“Yes, Ian is coming. He’ll be arriving any minute now.” Tony sat beside her

“You’re sitting on the floor Tony.” She said and laughed. “What about your suit? Isn’t it going to get dirty?”

“Yeah well, that’s what dry cleaning is for. You seem to be relaxing, are you feeling better?”

“I still need a few more moments, but yeah I’m calming down.” Y/N said, rolling her head across her shoulders.

“So I have to congratulate you, I haven’t seen anyone put Cap in his place like that before.” Tony said smirking

“Yeah well ‘unfriending’ him isn’t going to solve anything, as soon as he is over the shock of me yelling at him he’ll go back to hating me.” Y/N said starting to feel tense again. “Listen let’s just go meet my team, I need to see Ian.”

Y/N stood up and reached out her hand to help Tony, who took it and stood up.

“Y/N just so you know, even with your new team here, I can still be here for you when you need me.” Tony said almost shyly

“Of course I will still need you when the team gets here. You didn’t think you could hand me off that easily did you?” Y/N teased and Tony laughed

“No I suppose not.”

They made their way out to the East lawn and waiting for Y/N’s team to arrive. After a few moments Steve, Bucky, Sam, Wanda, Vision, Nat, Clint and Rhodey joined them. Everyone was standing silently waiting for Y/N’s team when they heard the low rumble of a jet approaching. After a few moments a large jet, similar to the quinjet the Avengers use, appear in the sky above the compound.

Everyone accept Y/N took a step back, unsure of how much room the jet needed and waited patiently for them to land. After a smooth landing, the doors opened and everyone watched anxiously for someone to exit. Beside Y/N though two girls suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began stretching out their limbs.

They were like night and day, one with pale blonde hair and the other with dark black hair. They both however had bright blue eyes that you noticed as soon as you looked at them. Due to their small stature, anyone who ever came up against them in a fight always underestimated them.

“Long trip?” Y/N asked, causing the rest of the Avengers to look her way in shock as they saw the twins.

“To long.” Alexis muttered and Petra nodded.

“Alright well, you see that corner window?” Y/N said pointing at the building closest to them. “Running track in the top right corner. But be quick, I want you back here in 10 minutes for introductions.”

Both twins looked over at the Avengers and then disappeared instantly.

“Sorry, they get really claustrophobic when they are stuck in the jet to long. Comes from being held captive in a cage for a lot of their childhoods.” Y/N quickly explained. “Running helps get their heads straight.”

“Wait, who held them captive in a cage?” Clint asked looking between Y/N and the building behind them.

“Hydra.” Y/N said and then looked over at Steve who was refusing to make eye contact with her. 

The next out of the jet was a tall, largely build dark man. He had a scowl on his face but that didn’t take away from the fact that he was devastatingly handsome. He made his way over to Y/N and looked her up and down before glancing over at Bucky and Steve.

“Hello Malcolm.” Y/N said with a smile

“You alright boss? You look gutted.” He asked in a thick English accent and Y/N nodded

“Just glad you guys are here.” Y/N said

“Me specifically though right? Because I’m your favorite.” He asked with a small smirk.

“Of course. Don’t tell the others.” Y/N gave him a tired smile and he shook his head and then leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“He’s right behind me boss. Hang in there. He insisted on flying the whole time, so he’s just shutting things down.” He explained and then placed a quick peck on her temple. 

After Malcolm a short girl with jet black hair and big brown eyes exited the jet and made her way over to Y/N, her hand full of medical bags.

“Hi love. How are you doing?” She asked dropping her bags at Y/N’s feet and placing her hands on Y/N’s shoulders inspecting her carefully.

“I’m fine Sarah, how was the flight?” Y/N said shrugging Sarah’s hands off her shoulders.

“Would have been a lot smoother if Ian let me fly.” She said angrily and glanced back at the jet.

“I’m sorry, you know how stubborn Scots can be.” Y/N said apologetically

“Yeah well he’s just lucky I didn’t smack him upside his stupid Scottish head.” Sarah grumbled causing Y/N to laugh.

“Maybe you should’ve.” Y/N said, reaching over and grabbing some of the bags off the ground and handing them back to Sarah. 

“I will if he decides he’s flying us home.” Sarah said, taking the bag and heading over to where Malcolm was standing.

Next another tall, build man exited the jet with a smile on his face. His long wavy blonde hair tied loosely back as he tucked away any strands that were surrounding his face. 

“Sorry we’re late.” He said and squeezed Y/N’s shoulder.

“You’re not Alex.” Y/N said confused.

“Oh really, with the way Ian was acting I thought for sure we were late.” He said with a smirk.

“You’re hilarious Alex.” Y/N said sarcastically.

“I know it.” He said walking over to where Sarah and Malcolm were standing.

Y/N began chewing her nails as she waited for Ian to exit the jet. She was just about to go onto the jet to see what was taking so long when he began descending the ramp. He was exceptionally tall with curly light brown hair that was cut short. His blue eyes lit up as soon as he saw Y/N and picked up his pace to get to her.

“You took too long.” Y/N said tears began sliding down her cheeks

“Aye, ye have nae idea how hard I tried ta get here sooner love.” He said and cupped her face in his hands, looking deep into her eyes. “I’m here now lass.”

“I don’t think I could’ve last much longer.” She said and pressed her face into his chest.

He hugged her tightly and then glanced over at the group, looking at them one by one before finally stopping on Bucky. He took a moment to look Bucky over and then glared at him before placing a kiss on the top of Y/N’s head.

“Let’s get this over wi’ sae I can get ya home where ya belong.” Ian growled and Y/N lifted her head and looked up at him.

“I missed you babe.” She said finally smiling genuinely

“Aye I missed ya too.”

They parted and headed over to the two groups that now included the twins, back from their run.

“Alright, so introductions are in order. I’ll just go through and point to each of you and say your name. Otherwise we’ll be here forever.” Y/N announced and then began. “Alright starting on the Avenger side, we have Tony, Rhodey, Clint, Wanda, Vision, Natasha, Steve and um… Bucky. On the NPA side we have Malcom, Alexis, Petra, Sarah, Alex and Ian.”

Everyone acknowledged each other and then stood in awkward silence until Tony cleared his throat.

“Well it’s nice to finally meet you all, we’ve heard great things about you all.”

“Wish I could say th’ same.” Ian mumbled and Y/N elbowed him in the stomach causing him to let out a hearty laugh

“Anyways, um I thought it would be a good idea to have a mixer tonight, just the two teams mind you, in the common room so that we can get to know each other before we spend the next few weeks kicking the crap out of each other in preparation of the upcoming battle. So it’s five o’clock now, so let’s say everyone meets in the common area at about seven thirty. That will give you enough time to get settled. We have six rooms set aside on the second floor which Y/N can show you to.” Tony finished and look at the apprehensive faces of both teams.

“Thank you Tony, that’s a great idea. My team will all be there.” Y/N responded, giving him an encouraging smile.

“As will mine.” Steve added, not to be outdone by Y/N

“Well thank ye Mr.Stark. As for the rooms though, weel only be needing five. I’ll be staying with mah wife, thank ye.” Ian said defiantly and looked over at Bucky again.

“Right of course, so Y/N do you want to show them to their rooms and get them settled.” Tony said and Y/N nodded

“Come on ‘ye wee stubborn Scottish bastard’. I’ll take you to our room.” Y/N said shaking her head at Ian’s ridiculous behavior.

“Yer takin a rise it o me?” Ian said and Y/N laughed

“Yeah I’m mocking you. While I’m at it, remind me later to provide the other team with a Scottish translation book. Your accent gets thicker when you’re aggravate.” She said and picked up their bags.

“That’s actually nae a bad idea, considering how radge I’m gonnae be for the remainder of the trip.” Ian said following her as they made their way to the building.

“You don’t say.” Y/N said sarcastically and then noticed Bucky glancing back at Ian and glaring at him. “I don’t think you’re going to be the only one either. This is going to be one hell of a long mission.”


	7. Chapter 7

After showing everyone to their rooms on the second floor, Y/N informed her team that she would give them an hour to get settled and then she wanted to have a quick team meeting before they went to Tony’s gathering.

Taking Ian back down to the first floor, she showed him to her room.

“It’s quite bare in here lass.” Ian said while dumping their bags in the middle of the room.

“Yeah well I didn’t want the reminders of my old life staring at me anymore.” Y/N said sadly and Ian sighed

“Is he still next door?” Ian asked glancing at the wall and Y/N nodded. “Aye, you’ve been quite brave love. I’m sorry yer havin to deal wi’ the past.” Ian said and then walked over to her and pulled her into a strong hug. “How are ye doin?”

“Not great. I feel like every move I make is a battle with three sides. I see Bucky and it instantly takes me back to that horrible night, I’ve got Cap pissed because I broke his friend and is constantly letting me know I’m not welcome here. Then there’s Nat, who is the one I hurt the most when I left and she won’t even look at me. That one hurts the most. I know I made the choice to come here by asking to be the one to spearhead this whole mission but I never dreamed it would be this hard. I thought I was better, I thought I was stronger.” Y/N sighed as tears began rolling down her cheeks.

“Yer strong. Just comin here was a stoatin act. Ye can do this love, I ken ye can. Och aye it’s gonna be hard, an’ right now it feels like ye should give up but there is a reason why ye wanted tae come here, and it wasn’t the mission.” Ian said and then tilted her face up so she was looking at him. “Ye needed closure.”

“What did I do to deserve someone like you Ian?” Y/N asked as she choked on a sob. 

“I dinna ken, but yer stuck with me now.” Ian said causing Y/N to laugh. “Now let’s get unpacked and get ready fer this damn gaithering.” 

Y/N nodded and picked up her bag, placing it on the bed. Ian had walked to the bathroom with his shaving kit and was inspecting his worn face when Y/N started laughing from the other room.

“Ian, what the hell is this?” She asked holding up the Wonder woman costume she had worn for Halloween the previous year.

“What? Ye look brawn in that outfit.” Ian said and then wiggled his eyebrows.

“Why the hell would you pack this?” Y/N said still laughing.

“Weel for one, that.” Ian said motioning to her smiling face “An’ I’m sure we can find an occasion for ye to wear it.”

“Is that so?” Y/N asked smiling and then placed it off to the side.

“Ye never know when ye need a hero.” Ian joked and Y/N laughed again.

They continued to unpack and Y/N started to get changed when Ian poked his head out of the bathroom.

“So what am I gettin into here at this gaithering? Am I public enemy number one?”

“Well I would steer clear of the obvious. Nat, Bucky and Steve. Other than that though, you should be fine. Everyone is pretty excited to meet you.”

“Aye, sae nae chance of becoming Captain America’s new bestie?“ Ian asked and Y/N rolled her eyes.

“If you get him to even knowledge your existence it will be a miracle.”

“That sounds like a challenge.” Ian said with a huge smile on his face

“NO! Ian NO. We’re not going through this again. It’s going to be like Munich all over again.” Y/N sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Aye weel I did win the drinking contest didn’t I?” Ian asked pride in his voice.

“There was no drinking contest! It was you and one guy who you thought was challenging your pride and you ended up starting a bar brawl due to your stupidity.”

“He did challenge ma pride, and he regretted that in th’ end.” Ian said still beaming.

“I can’t believe you! Do you think that you can just walk up and charm your way into making Cap forget you’re married to his best friend’s ex?” Y/N asked, hands on her hips

“Aye.” Ian said mirroring her stance.

“There is no way!” Y/N said exasperated.

“Care tae make a wager?” Ian said smirking

“This is so childish!” Y/N said shaking her head.

“Ye said Tony always has a party tae celebrate after a mission right?” Ian asked, clearly not letting this go.

“Yeah I guess so.” Y/N said shaking her head.

“Aye sae here’s the wager. If I can’t get Cap to like me by the end of this trip, I’ll wear yer costume there to the party.”

“Deal.” Y/N said smiling widely

“Bide noo. If I do get him to like me, ye hae tae wear it.”

“You can’t be serious.” Y/N said shaking her head again

“Weel ye seem pretty sure of yerself earlier.”

“Fine, it’s a deal.” Y/N said sticking her hand out which Ian grabbed and shook roughly.

“Ye do look brawn in tha costume.” He said and winked.

“I can’t wait to see what you look like.” Y/N said confidently as she went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Having given the team enough time to settle, Y/N and Ian made their way up to the second floor again to have a quick team meeting. She needed to warn them what they were all walking into. After everyone had gathered in Malcolm’s Y/N cleared her throat and addressed them all.

“So I wanted to talk to you all really quickly before we head down to this gathering. As you all know this was once my team and my home but for personal reasons I chose to leave. And although I don’t have shame or regret for what I did, there are always consequences to our actions and I am suffering those consequences now. I can deal with that, I did something that hurt people I love and I will handle whatever comes my way because of that. What I don’t want is for this to blow back on all of you. But I can’t control this, and I know you’ll feel some of the tension from this situation so I wanted to apologize before hand. This is going to be asking a lot of all of you, but I’m going to ask that you just ignore it and show them we’re the better team. That we’re professional and won’t let this personal issue get in the way of us doing our jobs.”

The team all looked at her, thinking about what she had said. It was Malcolm that decided to speak first.

“I’ve been with you for quite some time now boss, and in all that time I’ve respected your decisions and have followed your lead. I also know that you are an extremely private person, so discussing this with us is quite shocking to me. However having said that, if they’re hurting you, we have every right to stand beside you, consequences be damned.”

“Yeah I mean, I get that you’re trying to keep the peace here, but honestly if they’re being dicks then we’re not really the type of people to sit around and just smile and nod you know. Also I hate seeing you so beaten Y/N. Just knowing what they’re doing to you is enough to piss me off to no end.” Alex said looking up at her through his long blonde locks.

“But guys, Y/N is asking us to stand down so we should stand down.” Sarah added giving the boys a hard glare.

“Ian, you can’t be on board with this?” Alex asked looking to Ian for support.

“Listen laddies, I want tae walk in there an’ say what’s on mah min’ tae them jist as badly as ye do, trust me on that, but Y/N’s right. We have to show some professionalism here. Let’s jist get through thi’ without incident so we can go home and be done wit’ it.” Ian said looking directly at Alex and Malcolm.

“Yes, let’s get this over with.” Said Petra from the side of the room, Alexa nodding beside her.

“I know it will be hard, and I’m grateful that you want to protect me, but by doing what I’m asking you will be helping me more than you know.” Y/N pleaded and both Alex and Malcolm’s faces softened while they nodded. “Thank you. Now let’s get down there and get through the rest of the night.”

The group made their way down to the common room and were greeted by all the Avengers standing awkwardly around, having been talking before but becoming silent when the team entered.

“Are we late?” Y/N asked glancing at Tony.

“No we were just having a chat. Come on in.” Tony encouraged

Y/N and her team cautiously walked into the common area and stood opposite of the Avengers, each group eyeing each other up.

“Drinks. We should have drinks. And music. FRIDAY put on some music please.” Tony said and then made his way over to the bar to grab a tray full of drinks.

“Here I’ll help Tony.” Y/N said going over to help him.

When she got to him, she glanced back at the groups who were still standing silently.

“Well this is going great!” She said sarcastically

“They just need an ice breaker, then things will be fine.” Tony said sounding a bit unsure of himself.

“Right an ice breaker and what exactly…” She began but stopped when she saw Ian make his way across the room to Sam and stick his hand out.

“I guess introductions should be made. I’m Ian.” He said confidently and Sam smiled

“Nice to meet you man, I’m Sam.” Sam grabbed Ian’s hand and it. “Y/N’s told us a lot about you.”

“Aye she’s don’ the same wit ye.” Ian smiled

Seeing Sam and Ian conversing seemed to bring everyone out of their stupor and they began walking towards each other to introduce themselves.

“There see, icebreaker.” Tony said sounding relieved. 

“Let’s just hurry and get some drinks into everyone.” Y/N said picking up a tray and heading to the group.

After handing out drinks to everyone Y/N started mingling throughout the crowd. In one corner Wanda, Vision and the twins were conversing seriously so Y/N decided to steer clear of them for now. She also noticed that Bucky, Steve and Nat were positioned on the on the outskirts of the group and she once again decided to steer clear instead choosing to head over to Clint, Alex and Ian who were all laughing and talking. 

“Hey guys, I see you’ve met.” Y/N said taking Ian’s now empty scotch glass and replacing it with a full one.

“Yeah these guys are hilarious Y/N. I can see why you get along with them, they have the same dark sense of humour that you do.” Clint said smiling at her mischievously.

“Hey now, you’re just as bad.” Y/N teased. 

“I’ll admit it.” Clint said and put his arm around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. “And I’ll admit that I’ve missed you.” He then glanced over at Ian and took a step back putting his hands in the air in mock surrender. “Sorry big guy didn’t mean to get handsy with your wife.”

“Dinna fash, she’s told me all about ye.” Ian laughed

“Well alright then.” Cling said and then wrapped his arm around Y/N’s shoulder.

At that moment Wanda and Sam walked up to them smiling.

“Have you all met?” Y/N asked and they shook their heads. “Wanda, Sam this is Ian and Alex. Ian and Alex meet Wanda and Sam.”

They all shook hands and exchanged pleasantries before Wanda turned to Ian directly.

“So Ian, I feel like I haven’t heard nearly enough about you.”

“Well what do ye wanna ken? I’m an open book.” Ian replied looking over at Y/N and winking

“Let’s start easy, how’d the two of you meet?” Wanda asked

“Weel the director of the NPA got a tip that there was a rogue member of the Avengers hidin it in Finland. They decided they were gonnae to send one of our agents tae try an’ recruit her an’ their collective britch minds came up wi’ me. I think it had something tae dae with how easily I would fit in wi’ the locals.” Ian explained, causing them to all laugh. “Anyways as soon as I got there I obviously stuck it loch a sair thumb and Y/N here kent I was looking for ‘er. She ended up cornering me in an alley an’ gae me a beatin’.”

“What else was I supposed to do? All I knew was that some giant Scotsman was trying to track me down and so I did what I think anyone else would do in my situation.” Y/N said trying to defend herself.

“Aye ye did, but did ye have to be so efficient?” Ian asked while rubbing his neck at the memory and causing everyone to laugh again. “Anyways after she kicked mah arse I managed tae explain tae ‘er who I was and why I was there.”

“And she agreed to join your team.” Wanda finished for him but he shook his head.

“Nah lass, she told me tae pound sand.” Ian laughed and looked at Y/N fondly.

“I wasn’t in the right frame of mind at the time to be on anyone’s team.” Y/N said and then shrugged.

“So wait how did you get her to join your team then?” Wanda asked, now confused.

“Weel, I can be a stubborn man, sae th’ next day I showed up on her doorstep wi’ coffee an continued tae dae sae for several weeks until she eventually gave up an’ lit me in.” Ian smiled at Y/N and she shook her head. 

“It was getting colder and I wasn’t about to be responsible for a man freezing on my doorstep.” Y/N stated and glanced around the room, noticing that Bucky and Steve were now standing only a few feet away from them, speaking with Rhodey.

“Aye weel I’m glad ye did. I was freezing my arse off.” Ian joked and reached over ad grabbed Y/N’s hand. “Once she lit me in, I could see ‘at she was hidin’ frae somethin’ or someone. After ‘at it was less about convincing her tae join mah team and more about helping ‘er find ‘er way again.” 

Y/N squeezed his hand and then glanced over at Bucky who was staring at her intently.

“Ian… Ian pulled me out of a dark place and helped me see the light again.” Y/N said and then pulled her glance away from Bucky and looked at Ian. “Without him, I don’t where I would be now.”

Ian smiled and pulled her out from under Clint’s arm and placed a kiss on her temple. Behind them Bucky turned and left the party, unable to face the consequences of his actions any longer.


	8. Chapter 8

Y/N hated to admit it but glancing around the training room, seeing everyone smiling and talking, made her realize that Tony was absolutely right when he suggested the meet and greet gathering the night before. Everyone seemed to be so much more relaxed and familiar with each other and it would help immensely with the training that was about to begin. The exceptions of course being Nat and Bucky, who were leaning against the far wall, scowls on their faces.

Y/N was sitting on the mat, stretching out her muscles with Sarah, waiting for Steve to arrive. She hadn’t spoken to Steve since she gave him her recommendations for training, so she was unsure of what his plan was going to be and honestly with the way he had been acting, it was just easier to turn the whole show over to him. That morning when her team had asked her what the plan was she told them to just do what the Captain told them and if they had any issues to come to her privately afterwards.

After waiting for what seemed forever, Y/N was about to get up and go look for Steve when he angrily entered the training room.

“Sorry I’m late. I had a meeting with Director Fury that ran long.” He explained and then walked over to a large free standing blackboard in the corner of the room. “After examining your various strengths in combat you have been paired with a member of the opposite team with similar attributes.” Steve then turned the board around to reveal the groups. “Please take a look at the list on this board and pair up to begin training.”

As soon as he was done Steve made his way over to Nat and Bucky and began talking to them in hushed tones while the rest of the group made their way to the board. Y/N glanced it over and saw that the only thing Steve had changed that he had added her into on of the groups, even though they agreed it was best she stayed on the sidelines.

“I dinna think ya were trainin.” Ian said from behind her looking at the board.

“I wasn’t supposed to be. It’s Steve he’s trying to get to me. Why else would he put me with Nat and Alex. He’s beyond frustrating.” Y/N said and then pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Ya ken that yer in charge jist as much as he is aye?” Ian said placing his arm around her shoulder

“I know, but honestly I should be training and Nat is the best match for me. I’ll just have to suck it up.” Y/N sighed and then looked over to where Alex was standing next to Nat.

“Be careful lass.” Ian said and then placed a kiss on the top of her head before heading over to Clint.

After glancing around the room to ensure everyone had paired up and was training Y/N made her way over to Alex and Nat who were discussing their fighting styles with each other.

“Alright guys it looks like I’m partnered with the two of you.” Y/N said with a shy smile.

“Awesome, me and Natasha were just saying we should start with some sparring, what do you say boss?” Alex said smiling.

“Sounds good why don’t the two of you start.” Y/N suggested and Alex nodded his head and headed to an open space in the corner of the room.

Before Nat could join him Y/N grabbed her arm and Nat shot her a glare.

“Remember that your problem is with me, not Alex. He doesn’t deserve your wrath just because of something I did.” Y/N said sternly and Nat pulled her arm away.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save it all until I get to take you on.” Nat said angrily and headed over to Alex.

The two of them began sparring and seemed to be evenly matched. Nat had kept her word and wasn’t being overly aggressive in her tactics which made Y/N relax a bit. Alex on the other hand wasn’t holding back which seemed to impress Nat who started to seem like she was enjoying sparring with him. After a particularly intense session Alex managed to pin Nat who began laughing. 

“You’re not a bad fighter pretty boy.” Nat said as Alex helped her up from the ground.

“Ah… thanks.” Alex said smiling and then looking at Y/N “What I really want to see thought is the two of you spar. You’re both extremely impressive individually, but together I bet that would be something mind blowing to see.”

Y/N glanced over at Nat who had a blank look on her face and then gave Alex a forced smile. He had no idea what was happening between the two of them so he had no clue what he was in the middle of.

“Me and Nat have sparred many times Alex, what’s important is that the two of you learn to fight together.” Y/N said trying to avoid an unwanted confrontation.

“Yeah Alex, besides it’s been so long that Y/N has probably forgotten most of her training anyways and wouldn’t be much of a challenge for me anymore.” Nat said as she fixed the tape on her wrists.

Alex’s face fell and he became angry. He was about to respond when Y/N put her hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“I assure you Nat, I am still just as skilled as ever in combat and have been training just as hard in my absence.” Y/N said trying not to let Nat get to her.

“I highly doubt it considering you’re obviously to scared to take me on.” Nat said walking over so that she was a few feet away from Y/N.

Steve and Bucky, seeing thing becoming heated between the two of them, made their way over.

“I’m sorry Nat but unlike everyone else, you don’t scare me.” Y/N said, anger slipping into her voice.

“Then spar with me. What’s the worst that could happen? Your team will see how weak you really are? I’m sure they already know.” Nat said pushing Y/N over the edge.

“Listen you two, this isn’t the time…” Steve started but Y/N threw her hand up stopping him

“You know what, let’s spar. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition.” Y/N said through clenched teeth.

Nat gave Y/N a devious smiled and then motioned to the same place that she was just sparing with Alex.

“After you.” Y/N growled and Nat began walking over to the space.

Y/N turned to follower her but a hand reached out and grabbed her arm. When she looked back she was face to face with Bucky.

“Don’t do this Y/N.” He pleaded and she stared at him shocked

“Are you freaking kidding me? I wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for you.” She snapped back at him.

“I know and I’m sorry, but please don’t do this. You and Nat are about to cross a line you can’t come back from.” Bucky said squeezing her arm tightly causing Y/N to sigh.

“Listen I know that you’re just looking out for Nat, because we both know that it isn’t me you’re concerned for. Nat needs this though, she’s angry with me and if this is how she wants to deal with it than so be it.” 

With that Y/N turned and headed over to where Nat, Alex and Steve were waiting for her. Alex approached her and put his hands on her shoulders.

“You sure about this Y/N? I mean it’s not like I don’t think you can take her, because I’ve seen you in action, it’s just this doesn’t exactly seem like the best of ideas.” Alex said concerned

“It’s okay Alex, I’ve got this.” She said and patted him on the cheek.

She looked over at Nat who was talking to Steve and then cracked her neck.

“Вы готовы? (You Ready?)” Y/N called over and Nat scoffed

“Я всегда готов. Вы все должны знать этого маленького. (I’m always ready. You of all people should know that little one.)” Nat said using her old nickname for Y/N causing her to wince. 

Without another word they both met in the middle of the mat to begin. After getting into their fighting stances they began the battle. Due to their training their fighting styles were so similar that most punches, kicks, jumps and grabs were deflected by the other. The more they fought the angrier Nat became, and she began hitting harder and lunging at Y/N with inaccuracies.

“Наталья, твой гнев всегда был твоей слабостью. (Natalia, your anger has always been your weakness)” Y/N said just as Nat had lunged at her and she effortlessly stepped out of the way and smiled.

Taking advantage of Nat’s off balance she knocked her to the ground and then turned her back to her to glance over at Alex and gave him a wink. In that moment Nat swung her leg out and knocked Y/N to the ground and then brought her foot down towards Y/N’s head which she dodged just in time.

Y/N jumped to her feet but wasn’t as quick as Nat who was on Y/N in a flash jumping up and wrapping her legs around Y/N’s neck. Y/N was shocked, this was a deadly move that they both knew and was saved for the enemies only. Y/N knew that with one twitch of her legs, Nat could snap her neck in two and there was nothing she could do.

Y/N glanced over at Bucky and Steve whose eyes were wide and their mouths were hanging open. Finally coming out of it Steve called out to Nat who glanced up at Steve and then looked at Y/N. Realizing what she was doing she instead she used her body weight to swing around and slam Y/N down onto the mat. Knowing what was coming Y/N stuck her arm out to soften the landing and as soon as she made contact with the mat she heard a sickening crunch as a searing pain racked her body. Laying on her back now she stared up at the ceiling while she held her arm, Nat’s face appeared above her.

“И самоуверенность всегда была твоей. (And overconfidence has always been yours.)” Nat said without sympathy and walked away.

Alex was at her side instantly and helped her sit up. She winced in pain and felt herself begin to feel faint.

“Shit Y/N are you okay?” He asked looking at her concerned.

“Get Sarah.” Was all Y/N was able to say through gritted teeth and Alex leaned her against the wall before sprinting across the training room.

Glancing up Y/N saw Bucky and Steve having a quiet argument and then Bucky turned and looked at her. She could feel the sweat rolling down her temples and the tears gathering in her eyes. The moment they made eye contact his face softened and the way he looked at her was reminiscent of how he looked at her before everything fell apart. A small sob escaped her throat and in that moment Bucky pushed past Steve and started making his way to Y/N. Before he could make it to her though Ian and Sarah stepped in front of him and fell to each of Y/N’s sides blocking him from her view completely.

“Jesus love what happened?” Ian asked looking her over.

“I sparred with Nat, she won.” Y/N said and then let out a whimper as Sarah moved her arm.

“Well the good news is that it isn’t broken, just dislocated.” Sarah said and then looked over at Alex who was hovering beside them. “Alex grab my kit, it’s over by the towels.”

“I cannae believe after everything ya said to us, ya went and did this!” Ian scolded Y/N and his face softened and he pressed his forehead against hers “Ya daft woman.”

“I’m going to pop it back in Y/N, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that it’s going to hurt and you’re going to have to stay still right?” Sarah said sternly

“I know Doc, just do what you have to do.” Y/N sighed and then brought her other hand up and grabbed the back of Ian’s neck to support herself.

“Focus oan me babe. Member when we adopted Rollie? That sad shelter wi’ all those lethargic animals haverin’ about?” Ian asked and Y/N nodded her head.

“I wanted to adopt every single animal in that damn shelter but you wouldn’t let me.” Y/N grunted

Beside her Sarah lifted Y/N’s arm up to get it into position causing her to cry out in pain.

“But then ya saw Rollie right?” Ian asked trying to keep her focus on him.

“He was so little and was running around his pen like crazy, but he kept tripping and rolling over.” Y/N said and smiled as a tear ran down her cheek.

“That’s right, and ye kent instantly ‘at he was the pup for ye.” Ian said and tightened his grip on Y/N’s waist as Sarah motioned a 3-2-1 countdown. 

With a sudden movement Sarah popped Y/N shoulder back in and she collapsed in Ian’s arms crying.

“There ya go lass, ye did just fine. It’s over now.” Ian comforted her while he held her.

Sarah pulled out a sling and attached it to Y/N’s arm to keep it in place and then handed her a bottle of water with some painkillers.

“It’s going to be sore but you’ll be okay. No lasting effects.” Sarah said and squeezed Y/N’s knee. “Just no training for at least three days and keep it in the sling please.”

“I guess that puts an end to training for today.” Alex said giving Y/N and apologetic smile.

“No.” Y/N said pulling away from Ian and standing up.

“No?” Alex asked looking at her confused.

“No you guys keep at it. I’m going to go upstairs and rest for a bit. Keep training as planned, the mission relies on us working together.” Y/N explained and Alex nodded his head.

“I’ll go with ya.” Ian said but Y/N shook her head.

“No you stay too. I need to be alone right now, I have a lot to think about.” Y/N said softly and Ian sighed

“Alright love. I’ll be up soon to check on ye though.”

Y/N left the training room and headed up to her room to grab her laptop. She really didn’t want to rest but did want to be alone. She had some work that she needed to catch up on and thought the kitchen island would be the best place to work considering her arm and the position she needed to be in. After setting her laptop up and making herself a cup of tea she began going through the large amount of emails that she had acquired over the last few days. Looking through them she noticed one dated today from her Director asking her to contact him at her earliest convenience. She pulled up the internal communication app on her computer and waited for it to connect with the NPA headquarters. Finally a woman’s face appeared on the screen and Y/N smiled.

“Director Cooper’s office, how may I help you?” The woman smiled

“Hi Grace, is Director Cooper available?” Y/N asked politely.

“Of course Y/N, one moment.”

Y/N shifted her shoulder around as she waited for the line to connect again. It was sore but manageable and she wasn’t sure if it was her high pain tolerance or the pain killers Sarah had given her earlier. Finally Director Cooper showed up on her screen and smiled.

“Agent Y/L/N, thank you for getting back to me so quickly.” He said in a thick English accent.

His wavy brown hair was neatly slicked back and and his green eyes were deep even through the computer screen.

“Of course Director, you said you needed to speak to me.”

“Yes well before we get into that, how are things going over there?” He asked looking her over carefully.

“They’re going better than expected. The teams are getting along well and training begun this morning and from what I saw, the two teams are extremely compatible.”

“Any issues you foresee at the moment?” He asked looking at her intently.

“Not at the time, no.”

“And are you going to tell me what happened to your arm?” He asked and then crossed his arms over his chest.

“A small mishap during training. It should be fine in a couple of days and will not affect the mission.” Y/N said trying to keep her answers short and on point.

Director Cooper sighed and then shook his head.

“Alright then let’s move on. The board has recently come across information that a part of Peirce’s new team is currently trying to track down The Winter Soldier to turn him into a Hydra weapon again. They feel we can use this to our advantage, by putting The Winter Soldier in a known place to them we can use him to capture some of these Hydra agents and get more information about the upcoming meeting that will be helpful in the long run.”

“No.” Y/N said sternly and shook her head. “No way, it’s not happening. You are not using him as bait.”

“Agent Y/L/N that is not an appropriate response. The board has come to this decision and we need to respect their decision.” Director Cooper scolded her.

“No, I won’t do this. The board is a bunch of men sitting around a table, looking at pieces of paper and then making dangerous decisions based on facts and statistics. I will not respect this decision because it is a stupid decision and will put people’s lives in danger.”

“Y/N stop! You can’t do this again. They are already upset about what happened in Russia last year, when you blew up a small Hydra base that you were supposed to be observing. It seems that all your subordination seems to lead back to you protecting The Winter Soldier.” He said his face turning red.

“First of all Liam that base had one of the chairs that was used to torture and mind control Bucky and there is no way I would ever let them do that to anyone ever again. Second his name is not The Winter Soldier, it’s Bucky Barnes and he doesn’t need or want my protection, trust me.” Y/N then looked at him and her face softened. “Liam you can’t be okay with this plan. It would be putting Bucky directly in harm’s way and I think at this point he has given enough to the cause.”

“You’re a pain in my ass Y/N you know that right?” Liam said while pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m not exactly thrilled with the plan but I have my orders, just like you.”

“Liam you can’t ask me to do this.” Y/N pleaded and Liam sighed

“I was asked to approach you and then approach Director Fury. If he feels as opposed to this as you do then I’ll ask them to drop it.” Liam said and Y/N dropped her head in relief.

“Thank you Liam.” Y/N smiled

“Don’t thank me yet. I’ll talk to you soon Y/N, and try to behave please.” Liam said and then disconnected.

Y/N closed her laptop and then tilted her head back and closed her eyes. This day had already been too long and she couldn’t wait for all of this to be over.

“You should have agreed to the plan.” A voice said from behind her and she turned to see Bucky.

“It’s impolite to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations.” Y/N said standing up and grabbing her laptop. “And you know I would never agree to something like that.”

“You mean something that puts me in danger?” Bucky asked stepping into the kitchen and then without waiting for her to answer asked his next question. “Why not?”

Y/N sighed and then shook her head.

“I’m going to go lie down, my shoulder hurts.” Y/N lied and then turned to walk to her room.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Bucky said taking a few steps towards her.

Y/N stopped and looked at him for a few minutes, deciding if she was going to tell him.

“Do you know you were the first man I ever loved? Of course you do, what you don’t know is how hard I fought my feelings for you. I didn’t want to love you and being with you was terrifying but I also felt safe with you, so I let myself fall for you a little bit at a time until before I knew it I was madly in love with you. It was true love what I felt for you and when I told you I loved you I meant it.”

In front of her Bucky shifted uncomfortably.

“The thing about true love though is that it’s forever. So even though it wasn’t real for you and even though you crushed my heart into a million pieces and gave up on me, I get to keep loving you and caring about you. So you ask me why I won’t allow you to be purposefully be put into harm’s way it’s because no matter how hard I try and stop it, I love you. And I hate myself for it.”

With that Y/N turned and walked away from Bucky without letting him respond in any way.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve put the panic attack after "TRIGGER BEGINS" and when they are over “TRIGGER ENDS” so you can visually see where it ends.

TRIGGER BEGINS:

Y/N’s eyes flew open and she clutched her chest, feeling like all the air had been squeezed from her lungs. An impending sense of dread washed over her and she could already feel the tears starting to form. As she rolled over she winced, remembering her injured arm and the fact that she had worn her sling to bed in hopes that she wouldn’t accidentally hurt herself even more. She quietly climbed out of bed and grabbed the glass from her nightstand to get herself a glass of water. The key was to not allow her mind to go into full panic mode. She went into the bathroom and closed the door, careful not to wake Ian because she knew the moment he was awake, this would all become real. After drinking the water quickly, she splashed water on her face with her good hand and as she pressed her palm flat on the bathroom counter and forced herself to take long, calming, deep breaths. In 2-3-4-5 out 2-3-4-5. Over and over she tried but it became harder and harder. She looked down and saw that her hand was so tightly balled up that her knuckles were white. She forced herself to unclench and that’s when she felt the tingling sensation spreading through her hand and up her arm. She dropped to her knees and began squeezing her hand and then releasing, trying to stop the feeling from continuing. The more she tried, the harder it was to keep herself calm and by the time the feeling had spread to her face she was in full fledged panic mode. Knowing she was past the point of no return she stood up and walked over to the door, reaching her hand to turn then stopped as she began to weep. She clasped her hand over her mouth to silence her sobs and then shook her head trying to get a hold of herself but it was no use, she knew what this meant, what was happening. She pushed the door open and made her way over to the bed, turned on the bedside lamp and then reached over and began shaking Ian.

“Ian.” She choked out finally and he bolted upright.

“What’s happening?” He called out, looking around the room frantically before finally looking at Y/N and knew instantly what was wrong. “Oh shit. Okay, look at me, it’s gonnae be alright. Ye can do this. In an’ out.” He coached her as she gripped his arm tightly.

“I can’t… Ian please help me.” She said between gasps.

“Ye can lass, we’ve bin through this many a times before. Look at me, focus on me.” He tilted her chin up so she was looking at him and he became even more concerned when he saw how pale she was. “Y/N love, I have to git Sarah, she has yer meds.”

“No! Ian please you can’t leave me. I’m so scared. You can’t.” Y/N begged and began breathing even heavier as she tightened her grip on him.

“I know yer scared, but ye can do this.” He wiped a tear from her cheek and then pressed a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll run as fast as I can and I’ll be back in nae time. Where is that bracelet that Tony gae ye?”

She tried to remember what she did with it but her thoughts were so scattered that she was unable to focus on one thing at a time and she cried out in frustration

“I don’t know… I can’t…” She closed her eyes began sobbing again.

“It’s okay. It’s here.” Ian said and put it on her wrist. “Okay I’m gonnae go now. I’ll be back in seconds I promise.”

He jumped up and was at the door before Y/N could stop him and with one last glance back at her he disappeared through the door.

As soon as he was gone Y/N’s anxiety peaked and she began to shake. She stood up and started pacing back and forth across the room crying and shaking her hand. Feeling light headed, every once in awhile she would stop and grab onto the nightstand to balance herself before getting up and pacing again. She couldn’t believe this was happening, she had been so strong for so long.

Behind her the door to her room flung open and Bucky rushed in looking panicked as well. Seeing Y/N he went over to her and gripped her shoulder while inspecting her appearance.

“Are you alright? What can I do?” He asked

“What are you… why are you…” She stuttered in shock and then pulled away from him.

“Ian came and got me, asked me to come be with you until he got back.” Bucky explained

Y/N began shaking her head and then started pacing around the room again.

“Not you. Anyone but you.” She mumbled as tears were running freely down her cheeks.

“Hey, hey Y/N what’s going on.” He said stepping in front of her, forcing her to look at him.

“I can’t Buck… “ She sobbed but reached out and grabbed his arm as she bent over and then started squirming feeling suddenly claustrophobic.

She started frantically clawing at the straps on her sling and when she was unable to pull them off she looked up at Bucky panicked.

“Get… this… thing… OFF ME.” She demanded

He was in front of her in two strides and began undoing all of the straps until she was able to rip it off and then throw it on the ground. 

“I can’t do this.” Y/N said crumpling into Bucky’s arms sobbing.

“Okay it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. I’m here.” He squeezed her tightly. “Everything is going to be fine, I’ve got you.”

“It’s not going to be fine!” Y/N said exasperated and began pulling away from Bucky but he held her tighter.

“Tell me what you need” He pleaded and she shook her head.

“I don’t know. I need to breath, I need air, I need… I need….”

“You need to remember what you’re fighting for.” Bucky said quietly.

“What?” Y/N asked not hearing him.

“Remember that night right after I came to live here at the facility? Everyone else had gone on a mission and it was just you and me left. I had a bad nightmare and even after I woke up I couldn’t calm down. It took me awhile to realize you were the one who had woken me up, I was still so fazed by the nightmare. Once I acknowledge your presence, you talked down off my ledge. Eventually I calmed down and we ended up talking the rest of the night. It was our first time actually talking to each other.” 

“I remember, get to the point.” Y/N said impatiently

“Well you said something to me that night that I still think about to this day. You told me that I’m still fighting Hydra and my past, and that’s over and gone. You told me instead to fight for the here and now. For Steve, my freedom and the life I can have now that I’m free of my tormentors.”

Y/N jerked herself back and began pacing again, then reached up and began rubbing her hurt shoulder.

“I have nothing left to fight for, you took it all away from me. I haven’t been fighting for anything for three years. You did this to me.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry, but the words wouldn’t come. He stood there staring at her while she began crying even harder and her breathing became extremely heavy. Snapping out of it he was about to take a step forwards when Tony burst into the room. He looked at Y/N and looked at Bucky and glared.

“What the hell did you do?” Tony snapped and ran over to Y/N pulling her into his arms.

“I didn’t… I…” Bucky stuttered

“Tony please” Y/N gasped and Tony looked down at Y/N his face softening.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you now. In and Out.” He reached down and took her hand and placed it on his chest, he then took his hand and placed it on her chest. “Follow my breathing. In 2-3-4-5, out 2-3-4-5.”

Y/N closed her eyes and even though she was shaking and still in full panic mode she attempted to slow her breathing down. Bucky watched Tony do what he should have and cursed himself for making things worse.

“Tony help me please.” Y/N pleaded after the breathing technique wasn’t working.

“I’m trying hun. Do you have any meds you can take or do you need me to send Barnes to do something actual useful and gets some from Helen?” Tony asked looking over at Bucky

“Here.” Ian said rushing into the room with Sarah on his heels, a large bag slung over her shoulder. 

The two of them went to Y/N and slowly guided her to her bed. Sarah began pulling various medical supplies, including an IV bag out of her kit while Ian turned to Bucky and Tony.

“We’ve got it from here. Thanks for yer help.”

“We’ll be waiting in the kitchen, if you could let us know when she’s alright….” Bucky said

“I’ll come see ye when things are settled in here.” Ian said and then immediately turned back to help Sarah place the IV line in Y/N’s arm.

TRIGGER ENDS

Tony and Bucky left the room and walked down the hall to the kitchen in silence. When they got to the kitchen, Tony was about to lay into Bucky but when he saw the look on his face stopped and instead went over to a cupboard and after moving several items around he finally produced a bottle of Scotch and placed it on the counter. Bucky picked it up and then nodded his head as Tony placed two glasses on the counter and Bucky poured them each a drink. 

“So you want to tell me what happened?” Tony finally asked

“I know what you’re thinking but I didn’t do anything to her. Ian came into my room, woke me up and asked me to stay with Y/N until he got back. That’s the only reason why I was in there.” Bucky said quietly while staring into his drink.

“Well that’s not entirely true now is it? You did do something to her, only it was 3 years ago.” Tony said and swirled his drink in his hands ready for Bucky to snap at him. Instead to his surprise Bucky just sighed and nodded his head.

“She told me that I was the reason she’s like this now. Did I do this to her?” He asked not daring to look at Tony.

“You know it really sucks the fun out of berating you when you look so pathetic.” Tony shook his head and then continued. “Whatever happened between the two of you hurt you both I think. She’s like this now because she’s holding in all that pain instead of dealing with it. By not telling the group and putting the blame on her didn’t exactly help either. She came home hoping to heal and instead it opened her wounds even more. Add to that the way that Nat and Steve are treating her I think it’s just a shit storm of emotional pain for her.”

Bucky sat silently thinking over Tony’s words. After what seemed like an eternity Ian came into the kitchen.

“We’ve managed to calm ‘er down but we had to sedate ‘er so she’ll be out of play for a bit. Thanks for yer help though.”

“Is there anything we can do for either of you?” Bucky asked shyly

“For me nah, for ‘er well that’s not my place to say.” Ian said and looked directly at Bucky who nodded his head.

After that Ian left to be with Y/N again leaving Bucky and Tony. 

“I think we need to wake up the team.” Bucky said looking over at Tony.

“Yeah and why’s that?”

“I think it’s time I told you all the truth about what happened the night Y/N left.” Bucky said causing Tony so sigh with relief.

“Alright, I’ll get everyone gathered in the common room.”


	10. Chapter 10

3 Years Prior:

Y/N looked in the mirror, smoothing her black dress as she looked in the mirror. She had spent a lot of time carefully picking a dress for tonight and she smiled at the final result. It was a long, backless, black dress that had a deep neckline in the front. Y/N had pinned her hair up in a loose braid, and her makeup was done to perfection. The only part she wasn’t to keen on was the cast on her right arm, but at least she was able to get Helen to change the color to black so that it matched her dress. She continued to fix her hair and smooth out the dress obsessing on making everything perfect, because it had to be.

Bucky had been extremely distant lately and Y/N couldn’t figure out why. In their time together they had made it through mood swings, nightmares, anxiety, guilt and depression but had always come out on the other side of it stronger than ever. However these past few weeks Bucky had withdrawn from Y/N and no matter what she did he continued to pull away.

Tonight though Tony was holding a gala and Y/N was determined to get her relationship with Bucky back on track.

There was a knock on the door and Y/N smiled as she yelled for the person to come in. Nat opened the door and whistled as soon as she saw Y/N.

“Looking good Маленький (Little One), Bucky is going to go wild when he sees you in that dress.” Nat said winking at Y/N

“Well if he just acknowledges my presence it will be a win.” Y/N said with a frown as she twisted in front of the mirror.

“He’s still being weird?” Nat asked as she sat on Y/N’s bed

“Yeah no clue what’s up with him, but tonight I’m determined to get things back on track. It’s not like we haven’t dealt with this kind of thing before, just this time he’s being more difficult than usual.” Y/N said finally turning away from the mirror and looking at Nat.

“Well he’ll definitely listen to what you have to say when you look like this.” Nat replied causing Y/N to blush.

“Not to much?” Y/N asked

“It’s perfect love. Should we go down or do you want to stare at yourself in the mirror some more.” Nat teased causing Y/N to laugh.

“Let’s go.”

They made their way down to the party, which was already in full swing due to Y/N taking to long to get ready. Walking thru the crowd they were greeted by various friends, Shield agents and fellow team members, causing it to take quite a long time before they had made it to the bar. Y/N was relieved when she finally got a drink in hand, her nerves reeking havoc on her. She kept glancing around the room looking for Bucky but she couldn’t see him.

Nat had been busy talking with Clint and when she finally broke away she noticed that Y/N was still standing beside her.

“Why are you still here? Go see your man, show him your new dress!” Nat said with a wink.

“I would if I could find him.” Y/N replied grumpily.

“Oh he’s upstairs at the pool tables with Sam and Steve.” Clint informed her “He’s pretty grumpy though, even Steve’s having a hard time being around him.”

“What else is new.” Y/N said and then sighed as she headed upstairs.

In a quiet corner Steve and Sam were playing pool as Bucky sat pouting in the corner. Y/N could see he was miserable as soon as she saw him and cursed herself for not grabbing him a drink. He always had hated the crowds at these things but Steve and her always made him feel better and he would eventually loosen up as the night wore on. As soon as she walked up to the pool table both Sam and Steve stopped and stared at her.

“Whoa Y/N you’re killing it tonight!” Sam said coming over and placing a kiss on her cheek.

“Yeah you look great Y/N.” Steve said and then leaned in and pretended to kiss her on the cheek but instead whispered in her ear “He’s worse than usual. No clue what’s going on.”

Y/N nodded and then walked over to Bucky who shifted uncomfortably when she leaned in and kissed him.

“Hey you, I feel like I haven’t seen you much lately. Everything okay babe?” Y/N asked as she sat next to him.

“Yeah everything’s fine. Just been busy.” Bucky replied annoyance heavy in his tone.

“Good, cause I miss you.” Y/N said trying to soften him up.

Instead of answering though Bucky just gave her a small nod before turning his attention back onto Steve and Sam’s pool game. Y/N decided to try and hold Bucky’s hand but when she went to reach for it he moved it and then grabbed his drink so she couldn’t. She glanced over at Steve and gave him a questioning look but he just shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes indicating his frustration with Bucky.

Seeing that things were awkward Sam decided to lighten up the mood, much to Y/N’s relief.

“How the wrist there clumsy?” Sam asked motioning to Y/N’s cast

“I’m not clumsy!” She protested causing Sam and Steve to laugh.

“Well considering you’re the only person I know who could break their wrist getting out of the shower, you’re definitely clumsy!” Steve teased and Y/N continued on pretending she was offended.

“I have more dexterity then both of you combined, isn’t that right Buck?” Y/N said looking at her boyfriend for support.

“I’m going up to my room.” Bucky said and abruptly stood up almost knocking Y/N over.

“Jeez Buck you almost knocked Y/N over! What’s up with you?” Steve asked coming over to make sure Y/N was ok.

“Nothing is up with me. I just don’t want to be at this stupid party alright!” Bucky snapped and then stomped out of their view.

“What the fuck Steve?” Y/N asked tears forming in her eyes.

“I don’t… I don’t know Y/N.” Steve said and then wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“You know what, I’m not in the partying mood anymore. I’m just going to head to bed as well.” Y/N said sadly and then headed towards the elevators.

Once she was on their floor she leaned against the wall and slipped her shoes off before going to her room. They were hurting her feet because they were new but she had thought it was worth it to look good for Bucky. By the time she had reached the door to her room her sadness had turned to anger at the way Bucky had been treating her. She dropped her shoes in front of her door and then went to Bucky door, not bothering to knock before barging into his room. He had been laying on his bed, fully clothed and jumped up when Y/N burst into the room.

“What the hell are you doing?” Bucky cried out

“What the hell am I doing? No what the hell are you doing? You’ve been a right ass lately and I want to know why!” Y/N yelled anger flowing through her.

“Я пришел в свою чертову комнату по причине Y/N (I came to my room for a fucking reason Y/N)” Bucky snapped in Russian

“Don’t you pull that shit on me. What’s with you lately? You’re distant and moody. Whatever it is, get it out so we can deal with it because I’m sick of playing this game.”

“I can’t do this.” Bucky said and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You can’t talk to me? Sorry bud it comes with the territory of being in a relationship.” Y/N knew she should be easing up on him, but she was still extremely mad.

“Well that’s just it, I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.” Bucky said exasperated. “I’m ending this.”

“What?” Y/N asked sure she didn’t hear him correctly.

“I’m done. This is over. Now go.” Bucky said motioning to the door.

“Like hell I will. I’m not giving up on this that easily. So what, you’re scared I’m going to get hurt because of who you are? Or is it you don’t think you’re good enough? Maybe you think I deserve better? Or you had a nightmare and you’re scared that it will become truth. Which one is it Bucky, because we’ve been through all of this before and managed to talk through it so let’s go, tell me what’s going on.” Y/N said stubbornly as she crossed her arms over her chest.

He stared at her for a moment and Y/N saw a flash of the old Bucky and thought she had broken through to him. In an instant though everything changed and his look became hard.

“What makes you think it’s me this time? Why is it that if something’s wrong with us, it’s automatically my fault? I’m so sick of treating me like a broken pet that needs to be fixed.” Bucky yelled causing Y/N to feel like she had been gut punched.

“I don’t… Bucky you know I love you and I have never… if I’ve made you feel that way I’m so sorry. That was never my intention.” Y/N said softly and started walking over to Bucky devastated that she had hurt him.

“Stop, I don’t want you near me.” Bucky said putting his hand up.

“Bucky come on, it’s me. It’s us. Whatever is going on we can get through this, I just need you to let me in.” Y/N said as tears filled her eyes.

“Stop please. I need you to leave.” Bucky begged

“I can’t. I can’t just walk away from this. I love you to much.” Y/N sobbed.

“Fine. You know what, I’ll tell you what’s wrong.” Bucky was now pacing around his room angrily, refusing to look at her. “You’re needy, and overbearing. You’re constantly around and I feel like you’re smoother me. I mean just look, I tried to take a step back and get some distance and yet here you are pestering me. I get now why your parents left you on the side of the fucking road, you’re annoying as hell.” 

“What the fuck Buck…”

“No I’m not done.” Bucky interrupted her. “Yes having you around for the last year has been helpful in regards to my recovery, but I just can’t stand it anymore. I’ve tried to love you, I really have but I just can’t. Not when I have so many other options, I just can’t make myself settle for second best. I mean come on compared to Nat, your second class Y/N.”

“Enough” Y/N was now fully crying, she was both heartbroken and furious at the same time.

“You know I wake up every morning and lay there wishing that you were suddenly just gone. Like you disappeared and every trace of you was gone so I didn’t have to deal with this anymore. Then I open my eyes and you’re still in bed beside me or waiting for me in the kitchen and a part of me dies every time I see you. I’ve been putting this off for to long but I just knew you would be a pain in the ass to get rid of. I mean you’ve been clinging to Nat and Clint for years and they haven’t been able to shake you, so I hope to fucking God that isn’t the case here because if I have to spend one more day with you I may just off myself. You’re a shitty girlfriend, a shitty friend and a shitty fighter. Just look at you.” Bucky now crossed the room and grabbed Y/N’s casted arm. “You can’t even get out of the fucking shower without hurting yourself.”

“Bucky you’re hurting me.” Y/N whimpered causing him to drop her arm.

“Get out. Seriously leave. I don’t want to look at you anymore.” 

“Just disappear right, that’s what you want?” Y/N asked, now completely broken.

“Это было бы чертовски идеально (That would be fucking ideal)” Bucky snarled. 

“Быть по сему (So be it)” Y/N replied

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Y/N turned and walked out of Bucky’s room and when morning came his wish had come true, Y/N had disappeared.

Present Day: 

“YOU DID WHAT?” Nat yelled, slamming Bucky against the wall with her arm pressed against his throat.

The team had all gathered to hear Bucky’s confession and as soon as he finished telling them everything Nat was on him. Steve and Sam jumped up and grabbed Nat, pulling her off of Bucky but then Clint snuck in behind them and punched Bucky in the face. Tony grabbed Clint pulling him back as Bucky just stood in front of them all, his head hung low.

“Stop guys, there has to be a reason Bucky did this and why he didn’t tell us. Let’s give him a chance to explain.” Steve yelled

“What could his reason possibly be for saying what he said?” Clint snarled

“We won’t know until we give him the chance to tell us, will we?” Sam asked looking directly at Nat.

“Fine, explain yourself трус(coward).” Nat said venomously

“I have no explanation. I wanted to end things with Y/N and I let it build up to long, resulting in me saying things I probably shouldn’t have said. As for not telling you, I don’t know what to say, Nat’s right, I’m a coward.” Bucky replied weakly

“Probably shouldn’t have said?” Nat was now fuming. “You used Y/N, and then broke her heart, using every insecurity and shitty thing that has happened to her and throwing it all in her goddamn face to make it easier on you. Not only that you made her feel unwanted by not just you and the team, but you put into question her relationship with me and Clint, the only family she has ever know. THEN you hid what you did, making me resent the one person I love most in this world all because you wanted to break up with her!I have to go see her.” Nat turned to go but Tony grabbed her arm.

“You can’t. A part of all of this is that due to what happened between Y/N and Bucky, Y/N couldn’t really handle it so she ended up having panic attacks. With everything going on here, tonight she had a massive panic attack and they had to sedate her. It’s best we don’t bother her until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.” Tony informed them and Nat pulled away from him.

“Is she okay?” Asked Clint as he wrapped his arm around Nat comforting her.

“Ian said she was ok, but she’s resting now.” Tony said

Nat pushed out of Clint’s arms and started pacing the room before turning on Bucky again.

“You’re a piece of shit Bucky. Stay away from me and stay away from Y/N.” With that she turned and left the room, quickly followed by Clint.

“Bucky? Are you telling the truth? Did you do this because you didn’t love Y/N?” Wanda asked sadly.

“Yes.” Bucky replied simply.

Wanda grabbed Vision’s hand and then left the room as well, followed by Rhodey.

“You know how I feel about all of this, so I’m not even going to bother.” Tony exited leaving Sam, Steve and Bucky alone in the room 

“Alright Buck, come on it’s just us now. What really happened, you can tell us.” Steve asked, placing his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I told you what happened Steve.” Bucky sighed

“I think what Steve’s trying to ask is what happened to make you break up Y/N, because we both know that you loved that girl more than life itself.” Sam interjected.

“You’re mistaken.” Bucky replied.

“Bucky what the hell are you talking about? You can’t lie to me, I know you to well.” Steve said

“Well I lied to you for the last 3 years telling you nothing had happened between me and Y/N that would cause her to leave and you believed me, so maybe you don’t know me as well as you think. I didn’t love her and that’s the end of it. I’m going to bed, it’s been a long night.”

Bucky pushed past them and walked down the hall to his room.

“Steve do you believe him?”Sam asked as they watched Bucky walk away

“Not one bit.” He replied


	11. Chapter 11

Y/N could feel the warmth of the sun on her skin and she slowly opened her eyes. She was laying in her bed and felt exhausted. She went to bring her hand up to push the hair out of her face when she felt a slight tug and looked down to see an IV port in her arm. She then remembered what had happened the night before and closed her eyes again as a tear slipped down her cheek. Beside her she heard someone softly snoring and looked over to see Ian asleep in a chair beside her bed.

“Ian” She tried to call out but her voice was hoarse so she cleared her throat and tired again, this time more clear. “Ian.”

Ian’s eyes flew open and looked at her and then his face softened.

“Good morn love. How are you feeling?”

“I’m… devastated.” Y/N said and then began to cry.

Ian got up and crawled into bed beside Y/N, wrapping his arms around her, being careful of the IV port.

“You’re fine lass. Just a minor set back, we’ll get ye through this.” Ian said in a soft voice as he ran his hand up and down her back. “You’re the strongest hen I ken, if anyone can beat this, it’s ye.”

“I give up. I want to go home.” Y/N sobbed

“Do ye really?” Ian asked knowing the answer

“Maybe.” Y/N pulled back and looked at Ian and then sighed. “No I have to finish the mission. It’s so hard though Ian, and on top of it I feel so guilty putting you through all of this. You didn’t sign up for any of this.”

“Y/N I kent exactly what I was signing on for from the moment I saw ye in yer cabin in Finland. I ne’er thought any of this would be easy and yet here I am. Dinna fash I’m exactly where I want ta be.” Y/N buried her face into Ian’s chest absorbing his warmth and comfort. “Now why don’t we get ye into a bath. That always makes ye feel better.”

Y/N agreed and Ian got up and ran a bath for her. When it was ready he came back and helped her get out of bed and undressed, which was difficult due to the IV port and her sore arm. They finally managed to get her into the bath and she hugged her knees as Ian poured water on her back and washed her hair for her. After sitting in the bath long enough for the water to turn cold, Y/N got out and Ian helped her put on some PJs, then they both got back into bed and Ian gathered her up into his arms, holding her tightly.

They laid there like that for awhile until there was a soft knock on the door. Ian reluctantly pulled away from Y/N and went to the door only opening it a crack to see who it was. He was shocked to say the least, as Nat was standing in front of him sheepishly looking at the ground.

“Is she… I mean how’s she doing?” Nat asked quietly and Ian glanced back at Y/N

“She just woke up and she’s still quite fragile so it’s probably not the best time for a barney. Actually if ye could lay off the lass that would be stoatin.” Ian said angrily remembering what happened the last time Nat was around Y/N

“I’m not here to fight. Bucky just told us what happened and I just wanted to… I need to see her.” Nat said standing up straighter.

Ian took a moment to look into her eyes before looking back at Y/N who was curled up on the bed hugging a pillow.

“I’ll see if she wants to talk to ye. If she says no though you’re not coming in, understood?” Ian said sternly and Nat nodded her head in agreement 

Ian closed the door and went over to the bed and placed his hand on Y/N’s shoulder.

“Nat’s here, she wants to talk to ye. Wee Bucky told them what happened between the two of ye.” Ian explained and Y/N sighed.

“Alright.” Y/N agreed and sat up on the bed, pulling herself together.

When Ian saw Y/N was ready he went to the door and let Nat in.

“I’ll leave the two of ye to gab, unless ye want me to stay Y/N?” Ian asked and Y/N smiled.

“I’ll be alright Ian, thank you.” Y/N said and Ian walked over and kissed her on the top of the head before leaving the room.

Nat stood awkwardly by the door looking Y/N over.

“Tony told us what happened last night. Are you alright?” She asked 

“I’m fine.” Y/N replied not looking at Nat. “I don’t need your pity Nat, I think I’ve had enough of that from you to last a lifetime.”

“I’m not here because I pity you, I’m here for my own selfish reasons.”

At this Y/N glanced over and saw that Nat was shifting uncomfortably and took a small amount of pleasure in that.

“Hmm well get on with it then.” Y/N said, slowly turning in her bed and planting her feet on the ground.

Nat continued to shift uncomfortably and then began pacing causing Y/N to roll her eyes.

“Natalia, не будь таким трусом.” (Don’t be such a coward) Y/N smirked causing Nat to glare at her.

“I’m trying here Y/N cut me some slack would you.”

Y/N took a deep breath and stood up. She reached over and grabbed the sling that was sitting on the back of the chair and held it out towards Nat.

“Can you help get this thing back on? I can’t do it with the IV port and the sore arm.”

Nat took the sling and began placing it around Y/N’s arm, being careful not to cause Y/N any pain. When she had all the pieces in place in the front she moved around to Y/N’s back and started doing up the straps.

“I’m sorry.” Nat said so quietly Y/N almost didn’t hear her.

“Come on Nat, it’s not the first time we’ve hurt one another while sparing.” Y/N replied, her head tilted to the side.

“You know that’s not all I’m apologizing for.” Nat had finished doing up the straps and placed her hand on Y/N’s good shoulder, turning her around. “I was so hurt by the fact that you left us, I didn’t stop to think about why you left. I was so angry at you for so long when you finally came back I didn’t know how to stop from being angry at you.”

“And now?” Y/N asked apprehensively.

“Bucky told us what happened. He told us everything he said to you. I’m so sorry Y/N.” Nat said tears forming in her eyes.

Y/N leaned forward and put her head on Nat’s shoulder, slowly wrapping her good arm around Nat’s waist. Nat hugged Y/N back tightly as they both began to cry.

All of the anger and tension leaving their bodies as they finally let go of the last three years apart.

“I’m sorry too Nat. I should’ve let you know that I was leaving, or at least let you know I was safe. Every time I picked up the phone to call though, Bucky’s word ran through my head about how much of a burden I was on you and how you haven’t been able to shake me for all these years. I believed him you know. Kept thinking about how much better off you would be if you didn’t have to drag me around with you everywhere you go. I’ve been relying on you since I was a kid but I never stopped to realize that maybe it was time I let you live your life.”

“How could you ever think that way. You’re my family. You’ve never been a burden. You were a fighter when I found you and I have always felt like you were destined for great things. I didn’t drag you along, this is always where you were going to end up. I hate that he made you think that about yourself.”

Y/N pulled back and wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I let him get in my head Nat, and that’s no ones fault but my own.” Y/N said sadly.

“No you trusted him and loved him and he used that to hurt you in ways he know would have lasting damage. I’m going to kill him.” Nat said angrily.

“Nat no. Honestly I know it’s fresh for you but it’s not for me. I’ve carried it with me for three years and now that the relationship between you and me is on the way to be mended I just want to move on with my life.” Y/N said reaching up and placing her hand on Nat’s cheek.

“Alright fine. You can’t stop me from hating the person that hurt you though.”

“Nat I don’t even hate him so you shouldn’t either.” Y/N was feeling faint so she grabbed onto her dresser behind her.

“Are you okay?” Nat asked concerned at how pale Y/N had become.

“Yeah I’m just a little dizzy. I haven’t eaten since sometime yesterday and with everything that’s happened it’s just a lot to ask my body to handle.”

“Let’s go get you some food then.” Nat said grabbing onto Y/N’s waist but Y/N shook her head.

“I don’t want to go out there. Everyone is going to feel sorry for me after what Bucky told them and what happened last night. I don’t think I could stand to see all that pity in their eyes. They probably think I’m so weak now.” 

“Y/N no one thinks that. They all want to support you.”Nat encouraged but it made Y/N think about Bucky.

“Where’s Bucky?”

“If he knows what’s good for him he’ll make sure to stay out of everyone’s way.” Nat growled and Y/N sighed.

“I was actually worried about him. He must feel so isolated right now. I hope Steve’s with him.”

Her words caused Nat to stare at her in shock.

“Y/N why the hell are you worried about Bucky right now? After everything he did he should be the last person that you’re thinking about.” Nat said sternly.

Y/N was about to argue with her but saw the look on Nat’s face and thought better of it.

“You’re right, I think my hunger is just clouding my judgement.”

“Ok well let’s get you to the kitchen, I’ll make you pancakes.” Nat said with a big grin

Her smile was contagious, and Y/N was beyond glad to have her friend back. However no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t help but think about though was Bucky and how miserable he must be feeling right now.


	12. Chapter 12

After Nat helped Y/N get dressed in jeans and a t-shirt they made their way down to the kitchen. Y/N was still concerned about how the group was going to treat her so she was relieved when she got there and the only people in the common room were Ian, Sam, Wanda and Clint. Nat instantly went to work in the kitchen and Y/N made her way over to the couch, sitting herself down between Clint and Ian.

“Everythin’ good?” Ian whispered into her ear as she laid her head on his shoulder.

Y/N nodded in response and Ian placed a kiss on the top of her head. Glancing up Y/N saw Clint looking at her and when they made eye contact he smiled.

“You look like shit.” Clint said causing Y/N to smile.

“I had a rough night, what’s your excuse?” She counter and then winked

“Same.”

Clint glanced over at a smiling Nat and then looked back at Y/N

“Fixed?”

“Mended. We still have a lot to talk about.” Y/N said and then sat up, stretching her limbs.

“As do we.” Clint said, reaching over and squeezing Y/N’s hand.

“I know we do and I promise we will soon.”

Clint reached over and pulled Y/N into a tight hug which she reciprocated. After a few minutes they pulled away and Y/N brushed away a tear that had rolled down her cheek.

“Where’s everyone else?” Y/N asked motioning to the small group.

“Training mostly. The rest are… around.” Clint said and Y/N nodded.

She looked over at Sam who was standing by himself, looking out the window.

“I’ll be right back.” She told Ian and Clint and then got up and made her way over to Sam.

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Y/N said nudging his shoulder with her own.

“I should be asking you that.” Sam said with a smile

“I’m fine.” Y/N said but Sam shook his head and raised his eyebrows at her. “Alright I’m a mess but doing better today than yesterday so that’s a start.”

Sam nodded and then looked back out the window. Y/N turned so she was facing Sam, her back pressed against the window.

“Where’s Steve?” She asked quietly so no one else would hear.

“Training room.” Sam shrugged.

“He’s not with Buck?” Y/N asked surprised.

“Steve tried to talk to him, but Buck’s locked himself in his room and won’t let anyone in.”

Y/N nodded and then looked over Nat and Wanda in the kitchen. She began biting her thumb nail wondering if she could slip out and talk to Bucky. She was pulled out of her thoughts when Sam placed his arm around her shoulders and then leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“I can provide coverage if you need me to.”

Y/N laughed and then turned so that she was facing Sam her face falling.

“Did he talk to you and Steve, after he told the group?”

“Yes and no. We tried to talk to him but he blew us off. Steve thought… well I won’t get into that. Anyways Bucky wasn’t exactly receptive to what me and Steve had to say.” Sam said offering her a sad smile.

“Am I an idiot for worrying about him?” Y/N asked glancing over at Ian before looking back at Sam.

“Y/N it’s the type of person you are. You have a big heart, even if it’s been broken.” Sam smiled and Y/N nodded.

“I just know that he’s beating himself up right now. Not because of what he did to me, I don’t think, more about what he did to the team.”

“I think it’s both personally.” Sam replied

“He’s made it clear he doesn’t regret what he did to me.”

“And you believed him?” Sam asked

“Why wouldn’t I? He was very clear.”

“Well me and Steve think…”

“Pancakes!” Nat announced interrupting Sam

Before Y/N could question Sam further he quickly walked over to the table and sat between Nat and Wanda so Y/N wasn’t able to sit next to him. Ian approached Y/N and wrapped his arm around her waist.

“Ye good?” He asked seeing the look on her face.

“Bucky’s locked himself in his room and won’t talk to anyone, even Steve. Nat is being overly nurturing and Sam just insinuated that Bucky lied about regretting what he did to me. All in all weird vibes this morning.”

“Ye concerned aboot Bucky?” Ian asked and Y/N nodded.

“I know what he’s like. He’s beating himself up.”

“Maybe he should be.” Ian said with a shrug.

“Maybe you’re right.” Y/N said sighing

“Come on, let’s get some food intae ye.” Ian said pulling Y/N towards the table.

They sat down at the table and instantly Nat piled four pancakes on Y/N’s plate.

“You’re being ridiculous Nat.” Y/N said shaking her head. “There’s no way I’m eating four freaking pancakes.”

“Yes you will. You need your energy. I’ve been dying to tell you that Tony built a whole new training space that tests your fighting skills. You go in and fight bots. It’s so much fun.” Nat was beaming.

“Okay well, I’m still pretty worn down from last night. Maybe we can go tomorrow morning? Actually we should bring the whole team over and see how the pairs do.” Y/N said taking a big bite of pancakes.

“That’s a great idea. I can’t wait.” Nat said smiling at Y/N and nodding for her to eat more.

“Hey Nat? Would you be able to get me a cup of coffee?” Y/N asked sweetly.

“Of course.” Nat said getting up and hurrying to the kitchen.

As soon as she was out of site Y/N slid two of the pancakes from her plate to Ian’s.

“Auch no, yer gonnae get me in trouble.” Ian said frowning.

“Man up.” Y/N hissed 

Before Ian could argue it further Nat returned with Y/N’s coffee, placing it in front of her.

“Wow see you were hungry, here take more!” Nat said piling two more pancakes onto Y/N’s plate causing her to moan and Ian to chuckle.

After they all had their share everyone began cleaning up but Nat told Y/N to go and get some rest. Sneaking a plate with a few pancakes she left the kitchen and headed down the hall towards her room. When she got to her door she looked back to make sure that no one had followed her and then she went to Bucky’s door and knocked, even though she figured he wouldn’t open. After waiting a few moments she turned the door handle, finding it unlocked she walked into his room without waiting for permission.

Bucky was curled up in his bed, facing away from the door, with his comforter pulled up around him. Y/N had seen him like this before, many times, specifically after he had bad nightmare and couldn’t bring himself to face the world. Bucky hadn’t turned to see who had entered his room and Y/N assumed he probably thought it was Steve. She went over to his desk and placed the plate of pancakes down before going over to the window and opening the curtains, allowing some light into the dark room. Bucky opened his eyes and sat up quickly when he saw it was Y/N and not Steve.

“What are you doing?” He asked his voice raspy.

“Come on, how many times have we done this? Sit up I brought you food. After you eat you’re going to get out of that bed and take a shower. After that, well it’s up to you what you do.” She said grabbing the plate and bringing it to him.

“I’m not hungry.” Bucky said but took the plate.

“Steve may let you get away with this shit but I won’t. Eat.” Y/N commanded and sat in the chair beside Bucky’s bed.

Bucky took a bite and then looked over at Y/N. “Why are you here Y/N?”

“Honestly?” She sighed and then ran her hands through her hair. “I guess I couldn’t sit around and not do anything when I knew you were in here beating yourself up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m mad as hell at you still and won’t ever get over what you did. However that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around and let you pull back into yourself, damaging all the years worth of progress you’ve made.” 

Bucky sat and thought about what she had said and took another bite of food. He looked her over remembering what she had looked like last night, the panic on her face, the pain.

“I didn’t actually want you to leave. I was angry and got caught up in that which ended up making me say things I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for that.”

“I know last night freaked you out, but what happened between us three years ago happened, and neither of us can change that now. I think, no I know, that this keeps happening to me because I’ve been holding onto what happened and the only to stop having these panic attacks and stop feeling so shitty all the time is to get closure for myself. I have a life waiting for me but I’ve been resisting it because I’ve been holding onto the things you said to me. So I’m letting it all go Bucky, I forgive you and wish you all the best.”

Y/N stood up and smiled, but stopped when she looked over at Bucky who was staring down at his plate, refusing to look at her.

“Hey you should eat your pancakes, take a shower and go see Steve. He’s probably making himself sick with worry over you.” She suggested

She then left the room and headed to her room feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders.

Bucky stared at the plate of pancakes and then got up and dumped them into the garbage before getting into the shower. He knew he should feel better after what Y/N had said to him but he somehow felt one hundred times worse.

Needing to talk to someone about everything he decided it was time to confide in Steve. Y/N was right, he couldn’t hide away in his room and push Steve away, it wasn’t fair to Steve who had done nothing but always support him. He had always been honest with Steve and keeping this giant secret from him for the past three years had been rough.

Bucky got dressed and started heading to the training room, knowing Steve would be there training with both teams. He was walking down the hall that lead to the back door of the training room when he heard Ian’s voice. It seemed to be a one sided conversation leading Bucky to conclude he was on the phone. Normally he would’ve just walked past, not paying attention to Ian and allowing him his privacy but the tone of Ian’s voice caused Bucky to slow down and pay a bit more attention.

“I ken, I miss ye too babe.” Ian cooed causing Bucky to freeze where he was standing.

“I’m nae sure how much longer we’ll be ‘ere, but I promise ye that when I get back I’ll make up evera single day that we’ve been apart from each other.”

Silence fell as the person on the phone replied.

“She’s struggling, but she’s been makin’ amends with her old team, so I’m still nae sure what the lass will do when it’s time to leave.” 

Silence again and Bucky could feel his blood boiling.

“Alright love, I’ve gotta go. I love ye.”

With that he hung up the phone and then walked back into the training room, looking over his shoulder to make sure no one had heard the conversation.

Bucky stood in shock not sure what to do. He was fighting every instinct he had to run into the training room and beat the hell out of Ian. He had to tell Y/N, but would she believe him or would she think this was him intentionally hurting her again. As he stood there running through all of his options Sam walked up to him and lightly tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey Buck, you ok? You look pissed off.” Sam asked causing Bucky to look at him with anger in his eyes.

“I am. I just found out Ian’s cheating on Y/N.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Cheating?” Steve asked looking from Sam to Bucky. 

After Bucky had told Sam what he had heard Sam convinced him to wait and talk to Steve before he did anything. The problem being Steve ended up being too busy to talk until the next morning. 

“That’s what I said.” Bucky replied annoyed and Steve shook his head. 

“Listen I don’t know. I mean I know I’m supposed to dislike the guy because of…” 

“The bro code.” Sam helped Steve out 

“Yeah so the brother code and all, but he’s actually a decent person Bucky. I just don’t think that he’s the type of guy that would do something like that.” 

“That’s what I said.” Sam agreed with Steve 

“I heard what I heard.” Bucky grumpily replied. 

They were walking to the new training facility to do some training activities that mimicked the field conditions that they were going to face. Nat had insisted that everyone come and even though Bucky knew he wasn’t welcome per say, making him not want to go, he knew he had to attend for the sake of the mission. 

“Okay, I believe you heard Ian being affectionate with someone on the phone, but maybe there is another explanation for what you heard.” Sam said with raised eyebrows. 

Bucky replied with a frustrated grunt. 

“Just promise us you won’t say anything to Y/N until we figure this thing out.” Steve pleaded 

Bucky, sick of listening to the two of them, shook his head and started walking faster so that he had time away from them to think. He hated to admit it, but he knew Steve was right, he had to wait and have proof before he told Y/N what Ian was doing. She wouldn’t believe him otherwise. When he got to the doors to the training facility he went in, determined to spend time with Ian and get his proof. 

Y/N rubbed her hand over her shoulder, massaging the muscles. 

“How’s the shoulder doing?” Clint asked, concern in his voice. 

“It’s actually not bad at all. Helen gave me a shot of painkiller and I’m not in any pain at all. Now, how I’ll feel later after abusing the hell out of it and when the shots worn off is another story.” Y/N said with a grin. 

“Well you’re a champ for doing this. I know Nat was really looking forward to this but you could’ve put her off for a few more days if you needed to. She would’ve understood, considering she’s the one who dislocated your shoulder to begin with.” 

“Yeah well we don’t exactly have all the time in the world. Plus I’m getting sick of laying in bed all day. Especially since Nat keeps coming and checking to make sure I’m in said bed every hour on the hour.” Y/N said rolling her eyes. 

“Yeah well she feels super guilty.” Clint said while checking his high tech quiver to ensure he had enough arrows.

“I wish she wouldn’t, we both did wrong to each other but we’ve settled it and it’s time to move on with our lives. Hell I even offered up forgiveness to Bucky. Something that happened 3 years ago has plagued us all for far too long. I just want to put it in the past and look to the future.” Y/N said and then looked over at Ian with a smile. 

“You’re really happy with Ian aren’t you?” Clint asked 

“It’s so much more than that. Ian saved me from myself and no matter what I do or how badly I fall apart, he’s always there to pick up the pieces. He’s shown me that it’s possible for someone to love me unconditionally and he’s slowly teaching me to love myself.” Y/N said having the sudden urge to go over and hug Ian tightly. “I just hope I’m doing enough for him in return.” 

“I’m happy that you’ve found someone Y/N, I really am.” Clint stood up and began stretching his legs. 

“Yeah he’s pretty great.” Y/N smiled at him and then got up and looked around the room for Alex. “Now enough of this sappy shit, where’s Alex with my blades? I’m ready to kick some robot butt.” 

“I’m right here boss.” Alex said coming in from the door behind her. “Sorry I was… busy.” 

“Busy?” Y/N questioned with raised eyebrows

“Long story, tell you after.” Alex mumbled and placed a case at Y/N’s feet. “Here’s your gear. Boots, cuffs, knives, the works.”

“Thanks Alex, were you able to fix the trigger sensitivity for the cuff release?” Y/N said pulling out the right cuff out of the box. 

She had two cuffs that she wore on each arm that were made of leather and steel. Each cuff had blade hidden inside it and when Y/N lifted her middle finger the blade would slide out allowing her to surprise her enemies mid attack. She also had a pair of boots that she wore that too had hidden blades in the toes of the boots giving her a deadly edge. 

“Yeah they should slide out with ease now.” Alex responded 

Y/N slipped the cuff on and slid the ring over her finger that would trigger the blade. Once the cuff was securely on she extended her finger and the blade slid out from her wrist with ease. 

“Well done. Thanks Alex.”

Having her case now Y/N began gearing up with the familiar items, placing them over her dark grey suit high tech suit that Tony had made for her years ago. The suit was strong enough to stop a knife going through but was flexible enough for her to move in. Along with her cuffs and high boots she also had a leather harness that criss crossed across her chest and wrapped around her waist that held several mini blades for throwing and housing two large knives hidden at the base of her back. Her final piece was two small sheaths that wrapped around her thigh holding larger knives if needed. 

Once she had all the pieces in place she stood up and smiled. This was when she felt most comfortable, when her mind would become quiet and the only thing that mattered was the fight in front of her. She had finally felt her body relax but then it immediately tensed again when Bucky stormed into the training room followed quickly by Steve and Sam. 

Seeing Steve made her cringe and she realized she hadn’t seen him since Bucky told everyone what had happened all those years ago. She was in her own little world, wondering if he was still going to be hard on her and make her feel like shit every time he looked at her when Nat’s face appeared in front of her.

“Pardon?” Y/N asked having clearly missed something that Nat had just said. 

“I asked what you think of the facility. It’s good isn’t it?” 

“Absolutely! Tony really outdid himself.” Y/N said with a genuine smile on her face. 

She glanced back over at Steve and Sam who were trying to talk to Bucky, but he wanted nothing to do with either one of them. 

“Have you talked to Steve yet?” Nat asked following Y/N’s gaze

“No I haven’t. Honestly all I really want is to move past all of this and for things to be normal around here. It would be ideal if Steve just didn’t treat me like a child and respected what I bring to the table. We were both supposed to be spearheading this mission but instead I’ve had to step back and let him run the show because I refuse to deal with his drama.” 

“Well I think he’ll have changed his attitude now that he knows what happened. And if he hasn’t, I’ll remedy that very quickly.” Nat said seriously

“Alright everyone let’s get this started.” Steve called out 

Y/N noticed how tired Steve looked and began to realize how hard this is on him. He must have felt her eyes on him because he looked over at her and then motioned for her to join him in front of the group. Shocked Y/N walked over and shyly stood next to Steve. 

“So my thoughts were, we use the same groups that have been training together and we take turns making our way through the course. These are Tony’s bots and even though they aren’t necessarily out to kill you, they won’t hold back, so watch each others backs.” Steve then looked at Y/N. “Anything you want to add?” 

“Uh no, I think you covered it all.” Y/N stuttered out, cursing herself for not being more authoritative.

“Alright let’s start with Wanda, Vision, Alexa and Petra.”

Y/N glanced over at Ian who was giving her a puzzled look conveying his shock as well and she was about to head over and talk to him when Steve reached out and grabbed her arm. 

“Hey Y/N can we talk for a moment?” 

“I guess that depends on what you want to talk about.” Y/N replied cautiously. 

“I want to apologize. How I’ve been acting, how I’ve been treating you… it wasn’t fair. So I’m sorry.” Steve said sheepishly. 

Y/N relaxed again and then gave Steve a sad smile. 

“I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but I just want things to go back to normal. We were friends once Steve, that counts for something, doesn’t it?” 

“Yes it does.” Steve said and then reached over and squeezed her shoulder. “Hopefully we can be friends again soon.” 

Y/N nodded and smiled. “I’d like that Steve” 

Y/N made her way over to Ian and after he silently confirmed everything was ok with her they turned their attention to the arena and watched as Wanda, Vision, Petra and Alexa got ready to take on Tony’s bots. Ian wrapped his arms around Y/N from behind and rested his chin on the top of her head causing Y/N to smile. It was something he did often and was usually followed by a comment about their height difference. Looking around the room Y/N’s eyes landed on Bucky who was staring at them with an angry look on his face. Shaking it off Y/N returned her focus to the arena excited to see how the teams would do. 

When the first team was ready Tony activated an invisible protective shield around the arena to keep any debris from hitting the onlookers. Alexa, Petra, Wanda and Vision laid waste to the bots and as expected worked exceptionally well together using each of their strengths to take down any threat that came their way. 

“Alright Cap who’s next?” Sam called out to Steve. 

“What about Ian and Clint?” Y/N suggested and Steve nodded. 

Ian and Clint made their way into the arena and Tony activated the shield again. The bots came out and Clint and Ian moved into their fighting stances. Again it was a perfect match. They called out shots to each other and protected each other. Y/N realized that they must trust each other immensely as one of Ian’s bullets whizzed past Clint’s head and he didn’t even flinch. Then a few seconds later Clint took out a threat directly behind Ian shooting it over his shoulder and Ian didn’t recoil at all. Seeing them work so well together made Y/N heart swell with pride and she began cheering them on enthusiastically. 

What she didn’t see though was Bucky’s increasing anger gathering inside him. He was starting to shift from foot to foot and both his fists were clenched tightly. His head was swimming with anger and he couldn’t think straight. All he kept thinking about was the fact that Ian was going to break Y/N’s heart if he didn’t do something and soon. Sam saw Bucky’s state and walked over to calm him down but it didn’t seem to be helping. 

When Ian and Clint were done Y/N was so excited she ran into the arena and jumped into Ian’s arms. 

“That’s my man right there!” Y/N called out causing Ian to laugh. 

“Beat that Lass.” Ian teased 

“Oh it’s on mister. Hey Steve” Y/N called over her shoulder.

“Yeah?” 

“You mind if Nat, Alex and I go next? I have to show my husband up” Y/N said with a smile 

“Go for it.” Steve replied with a smile, enjoying their banter. 

Y/N, Nat and Alex made their way into the arena and Y/N was practically vibrating with excitement. She looked over at Nat and smiled. It had been so long since they had been in a fight together and she had missed the camaraderie that felt when they used to do this all the time. 

“Ready?” Tony asked and they all shook their heads. 

They got into their stances and the shield went up. It was chaotic to begin with, something that was not as apparent to those just watching. There were bots on them instantly and without hesitation the team began working in unison to take out the attacks. 

Y/N ran towards an incoming bot and slid in between its legs. When she was behind it she got up and then jumped on it’s back, activated the knives at her wrist and plunged them into its neck causing it to crash down onto the ground. 

Beaming with pride she turned to look at Ian who was giving her the thumbs up sign. She was about to get back to fighting when she saw Bucky push Sam out of his way and started angrily stalking towards Ian. 

Behind her she could hear Nat and Alex taking out the bots but remained watching Bucky worried about what he was doing. When he got to Ian he got close to his face and angrily yelled something at him that Y/N couldn’t quite make out. 

She was about to head over and see what was happening when she heard Alex call her name from behind her. She turned around just in time to see a bot bringing it’s fist down towards her head. She put her arm up to stop the fist but the bot still managed to hit her right above her left eyebrow. Blood started trickling into her eye, blurring her vision and she heard Nat yelling to stop the simulation.

Instantly everything in the arena stopped and Nat ran over to Y/N to see if she was alright. Before she had a chance to look at her wound though, Y/N pushed past Nat and headed straight for Bucky and Ian. 

“What’s going on here?” She asked placing herself between the two men. 

They were both glaring at each other with hate in their eyes. 

“Ian,” Y/N said facing him and placing her hand on his cheek to get him to look at her. 

When he did the glare followed his eyes until he realized he was looking at Y/N now and that she was bleeding, his face softening. 

“What happened to ya love.” He said before looking over to see Sarah handing him a gauze pad which he placed on the cut on Y/N’s forehead. 

“It’s nothing.” Y/N said taking the gauze and holding it up herself. 

“What’s going on here?” She asked again looking back at Bucky. 

“What’s going on is that Ian has something to tell you, don’t you Ian.” Bucky growled

“Ian, what’s he talking about?” Y/N asked 

“Young Bucky here is stickin his nose where is nae belong is what’s happenin.” Ian said through gritted teeth. 

“Oh no I’m not. Tell her. Or I will.” Bucky said taking a step closer causing Y/N to put her hand on his chest to push him back. 

“Oh for Christ sake just tell me what’s going on.” Y/N said looking at both men. 

Ian glared at Bucky and then grunted. 

“He thinks I’m cheatin on ya.” 

“I don’t think, I damn well know. I heard you on the phone with your lover yesterday outside of the training room. Y/N,” Bucky said looking at her “I’m so sorry but you have to trust me on this. The way he was talking to her, there is no doubt in my mind he’s cheating.” 

Y/N looked at Bucky and sighed before looking at Ian. 

“I’m so sorry Ian.” 

“Dinna fash, it was bound to happen.” Ian said sadly and reached over and grabbed her hand. 

“Why the hell are you apologizing to him Y/N, he’s the one who’s cheating.” Bucky said looking at Ian angrily. 

“Bucky he’s not cheating.” Y/N said still looking at Ian. 

“I know you don’t want to believe it Y/N but it’s true. I know what I heard.” Bucky replied almost pleading for her to believe him. 

“We have ta tell em Y/N, it’s time.” Ian said softly and Y/N shook her head.

“No we fucking do not. We have a plan and there are other people who should be here. I won’t let this be how this happens. You deserve better than this.” Y/N said tears forming in her eyes. 

“Do ya wan your family ta think Imma bad man?” He asked her placing his hand on her cheek. 

“I don’t care what they think. I know you’re a good man and that’s all that matters.” Y/N sobbed tears flowing down her cheeks now. 

Behind her Steve had stepped forward and pulled Bucky back, seeing the exchange between Y/N and Ian. 

“Love, come on now. It’s time. We were gonnae do this after th’ mission anyway.” Ian said giving her a sad smile. 

“I’m not ready.” Y/N whispered sadly causing Ian to chuckle 

“Ouch aye me either love, but we’ll help each other through.” 

He squeezed her hand and then turned to the two groups who were both staring at the awkwardly. 

“Well here it goes.” Ian started and shuffled his feet. “Before I start I need ya ta know that Y/N and I love each other verra much and have always bin completely honest with each other.” 

Beside him Y/N squeezed his hand and nodded. 

“Bucky was right.” Ian continued “I was on the phone with someone yesterday and I am in a relationship with someone else.” 

“Wait I’m confused.” Petra quizzed

“I don’t understand, you’re seeing someone else?” Malcolm asked in shock

“Aye I am. I actually have bin with this person for 10 years.” Ian then looked down at Y/N who gave him an encouraging nod. “And ya guys ah… ya guys know him. It’s Toby.” 

“Now I’m confused too.” Alexa added

“I’m gay.” Ian said with a shy smile. 

Everyone stared at Ian and Y/N not saying anything. It felt like forever before Malcolm broke the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner mate.” 

“It’s nae exactly an easy thing ta say and we didn’t know how ya would take to the news.” Ian said nervously. 

Malcolm walked up to Ian and grabbed his hand pulling him into a hug. 

“You’ll always be my brother, and who you love isn’t going to change that.” He said while they were embraced. 

Y/N let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding and then looked at everyone else. 

“Are the rest of you ok?” Y/N asked cautiously 

Alex and Sarah looked at each other and had a silent exchange before looking at Ian and Y/N. 

“Uh we actually already knew.” Sarah said motioning to her and Alex. 

“What? How?” Y/N asked looking at Ian. 

“You know that BBQ you guys had last year? Well as soon as we saw Ian and Toby together we saw the way they looked at each other and suspected. Then a few months later, Alex walked in on Ian facetiming with Toby and well they were telling each other how much they love each other so it just kinda confirmed it.” Sarah explained sheepishly 

“Why dinna ya say something?” Ian asked

“We wanted you to tell us when you were ready. It didn’t change the way we felt about you at all. It just brought up a lot of questions.” Alex explained. “Like why you and Y/N got married.” 

“Weel th’ reason we got married was because for a long time I was bein treated differently at the NPA cause the board had suspected aye was gay. The board at th’ time wasn’t exactly… accepting, and it was affectin my position in the organization. I wasnae getting promotions, I was bein sent on missions below my skill set and in general it was destroyin me. When I met Y/N it was peakin and she saw th stress it was causin me. So one night th’ three of us, myself, Y/N and Toby came up with a plan. Me and Y/N would get married ta stop th’ suspicion. It worked a bit, but when th’ team leader position came up they ended up giving it ta Y/N instead of me because some members of the board still had their doubts.” 

Ian glanced down at Y/N and smiled. 

“Not ta say she didn’t deserve it, because she is the best damn team leader out there. It still stung a wee bit to be overpassed. I thought I was going to have to give up the NPA so I could live my life the way I was meant to live it. Then somethin braun happened. The whole board was replaced when Shield fell. The NPA got nervous about what had happened with Shield and decided that they needed some new blood runnin the program to be on the safe side. This new board is much more accepting and I now have an opportunity to come out and be who I really am.” 

Everyone smiled at Ian and Y/N’s heart swelled. 

“I honestly woldnae hae gotten through these last three years without Y/N and when I say I love her I truly mean it. She is and always will be a part o mine and Toby’s family. So I’ll let Y/N tell you the next part cause it’s hers to tell.” Ian explained and turned to Y/N

“How do you follow that.” Y/N teased and then looked at both teams seriously. “This was supposed to come out after this mission and after we had taken out Hydra for good but because circumstances dictated this come out early we’ll tell you now. In a few months time I will be stepping down as team leader and will be happily turning the torch over to Ian. We have spoken to Liam, sorry Director Cooper, and he knows everything and has agreed to the change in command.” 

Y/N paused to let the news sink in for the teams before continuing. 

“And not to overwhelm you but we have one more announcement.” Y/N said motioning for Ian to continue.

“So it’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that me and Y/N are in the middle of getting divorced. However the good news is we are divorcing because this past New Years I asked Toby to marry me and he said yes. So we’re going ta be getting hitched this December. We would love if you all could come.” 

“Of course we’ll be there! Congrats man!” Alex said walking over and hugging Ian. 

Both teams began approaching Y/N and Ian and hugging them while congratulating Ian. Y/N was glad that it had all worked out as she had been so protective of Ian and Toby for so long, but there were some things she couldn’t protect them from. Seeing everyone accepting Ian for who he was brought Y/N so much joy she began crying again. 

When Petra and Alexa got to Y/N they were still slightly confused. 

“What’s up guys?” Y/N asked nervously. 

“Toby, he’s your guys roommate no?” Alexa asked and Y/N laughed 

“Well technically I’m the roommate.” 

“I like him. He’s funny.” Petra said and Alexa nodded causing Y/N to laugh again. 

“Well I’ll tell him that.” 

“So are you still going to be a part of the team?” Alexa asked 

“Yes, of course. Me being team leader was always just temporary in my mind. I knew one day that things would work out and Ian would finally be where we are now. Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.” Y/N assured them. 

They walked away and Y/N looked around at everyone smiling. She was glad that everything turned out ok, but there was a chance this could have gone wrong. Feeling the anger building up inside her she began looking around the room for Bucky. When she saw that he wasn’t with everyone in the training arena she looked out the window and saw him and Steve heading towards the residential tower. Looking over to confirm that Ian was ok she then turned to go after Bucky. She had some strong words for him and he was not going to like what she had to say.


	14. Chapter 14

Y/N stormed out through the doors and onto the compound lawn. Bucky and Steve hadn’t made it to the residential building yet and Y/N yelled out Bucky’s name causing them both to stop. She ran to catch up to them, rage coursing through her veins. Behind her she heard someone calling her name but ignored it and kept running until she was face to face with Bucky. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She yelled at Bucky and pushed his chest causing him to flinch. 

“Y/N please calm down I don’t think…” Steve started but Y/N glared at him and he stopped. 

Behind her she heard footsteps approaching and turned to see Nat, Ian, Tony, Sam and Clint approaching. She turned back to Bucky determined to say what she needed to.

“What you did in there, it’s incomprehensible. I can’t believe you did that! Did you see what you did? Can you even begin to understand the consequences of your actions? You took something away from Ian that he will never get back. He had the right to choose when he came out and you took that from him. Worse yet Toby wasn’t able to be here with him like they had always planned. Nothing you can ever say or do will ever change that.” Y/N yelled at him. 

“Y/N love it’s ok. It all worked out.” Ian said putting his hand on her shoulder. 

She shook it off and glared at Bucky. 

“But it could have gone badly. Relationships could have been changed forever.” She seethed and Bucky shifted uncomfortably in front of her. 

“I’m sorry. Truly I am. To both of you. I thought I was doing the right thing.” Bucky said softly 

“The right thing? You thought the right thing was to explode and confront Ian in front of everyone? That’s what you thought was the right thing?” 

Bucky didn’t answer instead glancing over at Steve. 

“Y/N he didn’t know, how could he have.” Clint said from behind her and she shook her head. “He was just looking out for you.” Sam added making Y/N snap again. 

“No he wasn’t. He was trying to destroy my relationship with Ian.” She then turned to Bucky her face red from anger. “What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much? What did I do to make you want me to be completely broken and unhappy for the rest of my life? I forgave you, I was moving forward and you pull this shit! WHAT DID I DO? JUST TELL ME ALREADY” 

“You didn’t do anything. I did!” Bucky yelled back causing everyone to stop and look at him. “It was me. I hurt you.” 

“That’s old news Bucky. I’m asking you WHY you hurt me.” Y/N said annoyed. 

“No Y/N I HURT you.” He growled and then grabbed her wrist and held it up so she was looking at the scar she had from when she had broken her wrist 3 years ago. 

Instantly she pulled it away and tucked it under her other arm. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Y/N said defiantly. 

“Oh yes you do. Considering we are all about truths lately why don’t you tell everyone how you really broke your wrist.” Bucky challenged.

“She slipped in the shower. Right Y/N?” Nat asked looking from Bucky to Y/N 

“Exactly.” Y/N lied staring at Bucky. 

Bucky shook his head and pursed his lips. 

“No she didn’t. I broke her wrist. And do you remember when we went on that mission and that Hydra agent choked Y/N and the next day she couldn’t talk and had bruises on her neck? There was no agent, that was me too. Not to mention a black eye, a split lip and various bruises that she attributed to being clumsy or getting them on missions. That was all me, wasn’t it Y/N?” 

Y/N looked at Bucky sadly and lowered her head refusing to confirm what he was saying. 

“Y/N what is he talking about?” Sam asked

“And while we’re at it, why don’t we add this.” Bucky said pointing to the cut on Y/N’s forehead that she had been periodically pressing the gauze against this whole time. “I mean I wasn’t the one to directly strike you this time but I caused it by distracting you right? I’d say you need 2 maybe 3 stitches, so yeah let’s add that too.” 

“This was my own fault.” Y/N said motioning to the cut. “How did you find out about the others?” She asked Bucky 

“It’s true?” Tony asked angrily pushing his way towards Bucky. 

“Stop! He didn’t know he was doing it!” Y/N cried out pushing Tony back. 

When she managed to get Tony to stop she put herself between Bucky and everyone, using herself as a protective barrier for him.

“He would start having a nightmare and he didn’t know it was me he was hurting. I never wanted him to know because I knew it would kill him to know what he was doing. I could handle it and he ended up getting better. The nightmares started going away and he was fine for awhile. Until we had a bad mission one night and when I went to wake him up he grabbed my wrist with his left hand and squeezed a little to hard” She then turned to Bucky. “It wasn’t your fault Buck.” 

“Squeezed a little to hard? Babe I crushed your wrist and you had to get a plate surgically implanted to put it back together.” Bucky berated her. “I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to hide it from me. Convinced me to go down to the training room and hit a punching bag to calm down. You must have been in so much pain that I honestly don’t know how I didn’t see it. I would’ve never found out if I hadn’t decided I was too exhausted after walking all the way down to the training room and instead went to see if Helen had any sleeping pills kicking around. I saw you in there with her and was about to run in and see what happened when I heard you tell her what I did. That’s when she told you that you needed to stop this, you needed to tell me about all the injuries I had caused, like when I choked you, or when I grabbed you and bruised you. She continued mentioning several more moments of abuse before I couldn’t stand to listen anymore. I was devastated Y/N, I was hurting you! The person I loved most in this world. I went back to the room ready to pack up and leave when I got alerted from FRIDAY that you wanted to see me. I figured you were ready to tell me what had been happening but when I got there, you told me the story about slipping in the shower and that you needed surgery. I couldn’t believe you lied right to my face and how easily it came to you.” 

“I was trying to protect you Bucky, I didn’t want you to know. It would’ve been too much.” Y/N explained. 

“You’re right about that, it was too damn much. Like I said I was ready to leave but I wanted to stay and make sure you were ok. So I waited until after your surgery, but then you needed help. You could barely get dressed on your own, so again I stayed. I kept convincing myself that leaving was what was best but I just couldn’t leave you like that. So I waited and waited but I started pulling away from you, hoping it would make it easier when I did leave. Eventually I decided to leave the night after Stark’s galla. When you followed me to my room I was actually in the middle of writing you a note, telling you that I knew everything and that I was leaving so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore. When you came in though we started arguing and at one point you almost had me convinced that we could work through all of this. One look at your cast though and I remembered all the pain I caused you. That’s when you said you couldn’t walk away from us because you loved me too much and I knew that no matter where I went, you would look for me. So I decided to make you hate me, that way I could leave you and you would just accept that I left. The moment I started I knew I couldn’t stop even though that was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to drop to my knees and beg for your forgiveness but I knew I had to continue. So I kept pushing you, saying whatever I could to make you hate me. In the end I knew I had gone to far but justified it by convincing myself it was what was best for you. I spent the whole night willing myself not to go to you. It was the hardest most devastating night of my life. When the sun started rising I couldn’t stand it anymore so I went to your room to check on you and that’s when I found your note. You were gone and there was nothing I could do to take back what I did.” 

“Wait there was a note?” Nat asked but Y/N shot her a glare and Nat shook her head, “It’s not important.” 

“Bucky I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry I lied to you and I’m sorry you found out the way you did. It was unfair.” Y/N said reaching out to put her hand on his shoulder which he immediately shook off. 

“Stop it. What the hell are you doing apologizing to me after everything I’ve done to you. God Y/N you’re impossible.” Bucky snapped

“I… I…” Y/N 

“I swear to God if you say you’re sorry one more time I’m going to rip out my hair.” 

“I think we all need to calm down ya.” Ian said from behind Y/N but she waved her hand back at him dismissively.

Y/N looked at Bucky and thought about her words carefully before starting again. 

“You didn’t know what you were doing to me. That’s not you, I know who you are and that version of you is not the real you.” Y/N said looking sternly into his eyes. 

“Here we go again. The amount of times I’ve heard that bullshit line come out of yours and Steve’s mouth is staggering. Seriously did you both read some kind of assassin recovery pamphlet?” Bucky frustratedly asked.

“Buck, calm down.” Steve urged, but Bucky wasn’t ready to do that just yet.

“You know I should really thank you babe,” Bucky said taking a step closer to Y/N so that he was now a few inches away from her. “If it weren’t for what I heard that night, the night I found out about what I had been doing to you, I would’ve never realized how awful I truly am.” 

“Buck you’re not awful.” Y/N said, holding herself back from wrapping her arms around him. “You’re far from it.” 

Bucky looked deep into her eyes and for a moment Y/N thought she had gotten through to him. However then he smiled and let out a dark chuckle. 

“Come on now Y/N. You want the truth, well here it is. Everything I did, everything I do, THIS IS ME. This is who I am. I am violence and instability. I am rage, anger, pain and I am dangerous. The man you all think I am is a mask I wear to hide who I really am. So take a good look because I don’t just have nightmares, I am the nightmare.” 

He turned and walked away and as much as she wanted to, Y/N didn’t stop him. She felt her stomach drop but then it was as if a switch was turned off inside her. In place of the raging anxiety she had been feeling for so long, there was now only numbness.

She turned to Steve who was staring at Bucky walking away. 

“Steve.” Y/N said and when he didn’t respond she cleared her throat and spoke louder. “Steve!” 

Steve snapped out of whatever thoughts he was lost in and looked at her. 

“Go. Make sure he doesn’t…” Y/N instructed and Steve nodded, heading after Bucky. 

“Love.” Ian said from behind her and she turned to face him. “Are ya alright lass?” 

“I’m fine.” Y/N answered shortly. “You should go call Toby and tell him what happened.” 

“That can wait love. I dinna want ta leave ya after what we just heard.” Ian replied reaching over and taking her hand in his. 

Y/N instantly pulled away and looked up at him. 

“I’m fine Ian. Go call Toby.” Y/N demanded and Ian stared at her in disbelief. 

Ian had seen every emotional state Y/N had but this one was new and it scared the shit out of him. 

“Y/N I think it’s best if I…” 

“Ian I said I was fine. Go call Toby and I’ll come talk with you soon.” 

There was no emotion in her voice and Ian knew there was no arguing with her. He turned to Nat who sighed and then gave him a sad smile. 

“Alright I’ll ah… we’ll speak later.” Ian resigned and headed for the residential building. 

“The rest of you go back to the teams and continue training. We are wasting precious time on trivial personal matters.” Y/N ordered and they all stared at her in shock. 

“Y/N this is far beyond trivial.” Clint said staring at her confused by her behavior. 

“ No it’s not. The mission comes first. Go back to the teams, finish the training.” Y/N replied holding Clint’s stare. 

“What about you?” Nat asked cautiously. 

“I suppose I have to go to Helen and get this mess stitched up. Then I have to make some phone calls, mainly to Director Copper. Now go, I’m part leader of this mission and you have your orders.” 

Y/N turned and headed for the medical building without saying another word. 

Tony turned to Nat and Clint seeing the same looks of disbelief on their faces. 

“Have you ever seen her like this before?” 

“Never.” Nat answered “I don’t recognize her at all right now.” 

“Should one of us go after her?” Tony asked glancing in the direction Y/N had just gone. 

“No I… I don’t know.” Nat said unsure for the first time in a long time. 

“Let’s leave her be. A lot has happened in the last half an hour or so. She needs space to think.” Sam suggested 

“Looks like they both need space.” Clint said and motioned to see Steve coming back towards them. 

“Let’s just hope neither of them makes any rash decisions.” Sam said and the rest of the group nodded in agreement.


	15. Chapter 15

Y/N walked out of the med bay, still feeling a numbness throughout her body. Bucky had been right, she needed 3 stitches and while Helen had tried to talk to her about what had happened, Y/N remained silent staring straight ahead. 

Everything Bucky had said made something inside her snap. She knew she should try and bring herself out of it. However, instead she chose to embrace the numbness, feeling like it was a protective blanket surrounding her. 

As she walked down the hall she considered what she should do next. Should she disappear again after the mission? She could be on her own, she’d done it before.

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard Nick Fury approaching from behind her. 

“Y/L/N I’m glad I caught up with you. I was looking for you.” He began and then glanced up at her forehead. “You alright?” 

“Just a minor run in with one of Tony’s bots Sir. Nothing to worry about. You were looking for me?” 

“Yes, I have a small mission, we’ll only need two agents for this and there isn’t two agents out there that work as good together as you and Romanov.” Fury boasted. 

“Agreed. So what is the mission?” 

“Intel has managed to track down a Hydra safe house and it seems to be getting busier this week leading us to believe that Hydra agents are going there in prep for the upcoming gathering they are having. We figured we would send you and Romanov in, see if you can get any information either electronically or by capturing one of the agents that will help us in our upcoming mission.” 

“ I concur. When can we leave?” Y/N asked as she accepted the mission file Fury was handing her. 

“ASAP. We don’t want to waste the opportunity.” 

“I’ll get Agent Romanov and we’ll head out right away sir.” 

“Thanks Y/N.” He smiled at her and then looked at her closely “Are you sure you’re ok? Something seems… different.” 

“I’m fine sir. Just excited to finally be rid of Hydra once and for all.” Y/N said and then forced a smile. 

“Alright, well good luck.” He added and then clapped her on the shoulder before heading back the way he came. 

Y/N opened up the file and read the details before taking out her phone and texting Nat. 

Meet me at the Quinjet in 20 

Be mission ready

After that, she headed to the armory to switch out some of her blades for guns. She knew Nat had a stash of guns on the jet so she didn’t worry about grabbing anything for her. When she was done she went up to the tech lab to get coms and anything else she would need. By the time she made it to the Quinnjet Nat was standing there waiting for her. 

“That was prompt.” Y/N said walking onto the Quinjet and heading to the Nav station. 

“Well I was already ‘mission ready’ because we were training, remember?” Nat said cautiously. 

“Of course I remember, I only took a small hit to the head.” Y/N said deadpan and Nat shook her head. 

“That’s not what I’m worried about” Nat mumbled and then took a seat next to Y/N. “What’s the mission?” 

Y/N handed her the file with the mission details while she initiated take off. Nat read the details and then looked over at Y/N, concern etched on her face. 

“Are you sure you’re ready to take this mission on Y/N? You’ve had a pretty rough morning.” 

“Nat I’m fine. Like I said earlier, we’ve been letting ourselves get distracted with all of these personal issues. It’s time we start focusing on the task ahead of us. It’s important and we’re not doing enough to prepare.” 

“Come on Y/N stop acting like what happened was no big deal. Everything that happened this morning, everything that was said… I think it’s affecting you way more than you are letting on.” 

“Natasha, I’m fine.” Y/N said through clenched teeth. “Let it go. We have a mission to focus on.” 

“Did you even tell Ian where you were going?” Nat continued pushing

“Я сказал достаточно, Наташа (I said enough Natasha)” Y/N snapped. “Either you stop this insistent badgering or you call Fury and express your concerns to him. I’m done talking about this.”

The remainder of the flight was silent as Y/N stared straight ahead, her only thought the mission. 

Nat was past just worrying about Y/N. Concerns raced through her head, like what if Y/N had an anxiety attack halfway through the mission or became extremely reckless. She was uncomfortable and uncertain about their situation but knew Y/N enough to know there was nothing she could do but protect her as best she could. 

When they landed the Quinjet they quickly observed the area to see what they were up against. 

“FRIDAY scan the building for agents” Y/N called out. 

“There are four agents on the main floor. Two agents outside the back and front doors and six agents upstairs. One agent in particular is separated from the rest in a room on the top floor, the West side of the building.” FRIDAY replied. 

“Alright, you take the back, I’ll take the front. Take out the agents quickly and quietly and then meet at the base of the stairs before heading up.” Y/N suggested and Nat nodded her head. 

They had landed the Quinjet in a small field half a block away from the house so Y/N headed off in one direction while Nat headed off in another. 

Y/N approached the front of the building quietly and remained out of site. She was silently grateful that the house was on a quiet street that seemed almost uninhabited. She was behind a row of bushes beside the house next door to the left of the safe house. She reached for the gun on her holster and then realized she hadn’t grabbed a silencer. Cursing herself for her incompetence, she instead decided to use her cuff knives. The man she was stalking turned and faced away from her and she knew it was her chance. 

She quickly ran out of the bushes and jumped on his back, activating her blade and stabbing it through his neck. He crumpled to the ground and she grabbed his legs pulling him out of site beside the house. 

Making her way up to the front door she saw a window on her right and slowly looked inside. There were two men sitting in the living room playing a card game but she couldn’t see the other two that were supposed to be on this floor. Figuring that they were towards the back of the house, most likely in the kitchen, she knew that Nat would take care of them. 

She slid up to the front door and tried the handle. It was unlocked and she chuckled darkly at their lack of security. Slipping in the house she pressed her body against the wall beside the living room and slipped two knives out of the holsters behind her back. Gripping each one tightly she rounded the corner quickly and before they had a chance to say anything she had thrown the knives at them, taking them out quietly and efficiently. 

Walking over she pulled her knives out and wiped the blood off of them her victim’s shirt before holstering them again. Stopping and listening attentively she heard one thud of a body hitting the floor and then another, meaning Nat had taken out the other two agents on that floor. They met at the base of the stairs and Y/N glanced upwards. 

“I say that we take the guy on the west side. The one whose alone. I have a feeling he’s the one whose in charge here. We’ll grab him and then walk him into the other room where there will be five guys waiting for us. It’ll be easier to disarm them with the big honcho as a hostage.” Y/N said not taking her eyes off the stairs. 

“And if he’s not the big fish? If he’s just taking a shit or something?” Nat asked

“Then we kill him and then move onto the next room.” Y/N said, her voice lacking emotion, and then began heading up the stairs. 

Nat shook her head. Of all the emotional states she had worried Y/N being in on this mission, this one was the scariest. 

Tentatively she followed Y/N up the stairs to the room on their left. All the doors were closed on this floor which would make sneaking around easier. 

Y/N slowly opened the door a small amount and then smiled and shook her head. 

“See. Told you.” Y/N mouthed and then motioned for Nat to look in the room. 

There on the bed was a man fast asleep on top of the covers with his gun laying on the nightstand beside him. 

“Just because he’s napping doesn’t mean you’re right.” Nat whispered and then quietly went over to the nightstand to grab his gun.

As soon as Nat had the gun in hand and was positioned next to the bed, Y/N leaned over and with her gun she nudged the man’s foot. 

“Wakey wakey eggs and bakey” Y/N sang, smiling at the man

He jolted awake and then turned to grab his gun but was met with the barrel of Nat’s gun. Seeing defeat he slowly raised his arms. 

“Good morning. Now I need you to listen to me and listen closely. You’re going to swing your legs off the bed towards my friend here and while keeping your hands on your head, you’re going to stand up very slowly. Then put your hands behind your back and we’ll put these tight little plastic zip ties on them. Sound good?” Y/N instrustructed 

The man slowly did what Y/N instructed and when he was standing with his hands behind his back he looked Y/N over closely.

“She’s Avengers.” He said motioning to Nat who was putting the binds on his wrist. “Who are you?” 

“Mixed bag you got here Mister. You seem to be popular with a few agencies.” Y/N said flashing him a sinister smile. 

The man nodded and then thought for a moment. 

“What exactly do you think I can do for you.” He asked as Nat nudged him forward. 

“Just stand there and look pretty.” Y/N said then turned and walked out the door of the room towards the other door on this floor. 

When she got to the door she stood to the side while Nat pushed him forward so he would be the first thing the agents saw when they opened the door.

“Now I’m going to open this door and I want you to instruct the men in this room to stand up with their hands on their heads, and then slowly make their way to the front of the room where they will get on their knees. If they don’t listen, I’ll shoot you in the balls.” 

“Y/N” Nat hissed from beside her.

“What? Men love their balls, they would never want them shot off. Right?” Y/N looked at their hostage for confirmation.

“Right.” He answered fearfully. 

“See. It’s effective.” Y/N said flashed Nat a smug smile.

“Just open the damn door.” Nat said through gritted teeth. 

Y/N leaned over and then glanced at the man. 

“You ready?” She asked him and he nodded his head. 

She threw the door open and then aimed her gun towards his balls. 

“Boss what are you…” One of the men started but stopped when Y/N popped her head around the corner and waved at them with her gun.

“I need you all to stand up slowly and put your hands on your head. Then you need to all kneel in front of me keeping your hands behind your head.” He instructed and then gave them an encouraging nod. 

Once the five men were kneeling Nat pushed the hostage into the room and forced him down on his knees in front of the men. Y/N followed close behind her and when she was sure Nat had things under control so turned to one of the men. 

“Come here sweetie.” She said motioning to the guy closest to her. 

The man stood up keeping his hands on his head. 

“Good boy. Now I want you to take these binds and bind each one of your friends hands behind their back.” 

Y/N held the binds out to him and when he reached out to take them from her she grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. 

“And you make sure they’re nice and tight because I’m going to check, and if their not I’m going to come over and cut off your right hand. Nod if you understand.” 

The man stared at her with huge eyes and nodded his head. 

“Go on then.” Y/N said sweetly

The man fumbled with the binds and then went behind his friends, one by one, binding their hands behind their back. While he was doing this Y/N looked at each of the faces of the five men kneeling before her. They were mostly young men, new to Hydra and most likely new to having a gun pointed at them. When she reached one face in particular, a young man about 25, she smiled, a plan formulating in her mind. 

When the man was done Y/N went around and checked the binds. When she saw they were tight she walked over to him and patted him on the head. 

“Good job! Now on your knees, hands behind your back.” 

She bound his hands and then remained standing behind him looking at the man kneeling in front of Nat’s gun. 

“I’m going to ask you some questions. What happens to these men is up to you and your answers.” Y/N explained to him and he glared at her. “Where is Marcus Pierce?” 

“Hail Hydra.” The man responded confidently. 

“Why’d you have to go and say that. Now I have to kill this poor guy.” Y/N said shaking her head. 

She holstered her gun and then ran her fingers gently up through the man’s thick hair while looking over at Nat’s hostage. 

“Are you sure that’s the answer you want to go with?” Y/N asked him again a hint of a smile on her face. 

“Fuck you.” The man said and spit towards her. 

Without a pause Y/N activated the knife in her wrist plunging it into the man’s neck and then let him fall to the ground in front of her. The hostage looked at her with disgust as she walked past the second man in the row and instead stood behind the man right in front of him and Nat. 

“Why are you guys looking for the Winter Soldier? We destroyed every chair we came in contact with and essentially destroyed the Winter Soldier program. Not to mention you know he’s been rehabilitated and would never fight for you guys again. So what possible need would you have of him?” Y/N asked while she slid a large knife out of her boot cuff and held it against the man’s neck in front of her.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” The man said, his voice a little less confident. 

“Again wrong answer, but we’re getting closer.” Y/N smiled

Nat shifted uncomfortably behind the hostage, not on board with how things were going. 

Y/N slid the knife quickly over the man’s throat causing blood to spray in the hostage’s face. She threw the man down in front of her and sighed. 

“Maybe I’m going to fast. Maybe I’m not letting the consequences of your answers sink in deep enough.” Y/N said making her way over to the young man she noticed earlier. 

She grabbed him and hauled him up to his feet, then directed him to kneel in front of the hostage, his pants soaking up the blood of the man she just killed. She looked over to see the hostage making firm eye contact with the young man and she smiled again. 

“Have you ever heard of Lingchi?” She asked the hostage who shook his head no while still maintaining eye contact with the man. 

“It’s also called ‘Death by a thousand cuts’.” Y/N explained and quickly cut the man in front of her on the shoulder causing him to cry out. “I hear it’s a very painful death that takes quite a long time.” 

Y/N slid her knife lightly along the young man’s jaw bone. Small droplets of blood followed her knife and fell onto the man’s chest. He was grunting in pain but Y/N barely noticed. 

“Where is Marcus Peirce?” Y/N asked again not looking up from the work she was doing. 

“They’ll kill me if I tell you.” The hostage argued

“Come on now, do you really think I’m going to fall for that one.” Y/N said grinning

She moved her knife over to the other side of the young man’s face cutting a shallow line into his cheek. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he looked at the hostage. 

“Stop. Alright just stop. I’ll tell you anything you want to know just please stop hurting him.” The hostage broke 

Y/N wiped her knife on the young man’s shoulder and then holstered it before bending over and speaking into the young man’s ear.

“See Jacob, I knew you’re daddy wouldn’t let me hurt you too badly.” 

“You know us?” The hostage asked glaring at Y/N. 

“Of course I do, you’ve been in a bunch of the surveillance tapes with Marcus. Both of you have Mr. Jones. Or can I call you Phillip?” 

Nat, already shocked by the fact that Y/N had known the boy was this man’s son was even more shocked when Y/N pull out her gun to kill the two other agents. 

“Y/N what are you doing? These men are our captives. We should bring them in with these two.” Nat said unable to hold back any longer.

“It’s no big deal Nat, it’s just two less Hydra Agents that we’ll have to deal with later.” Y/N said keeping her gun on the men. 

“Y/N they may have info we need. You were the one who said that we needed to do as much as we could to get ready for our mission.” Nat tried to negotiate with Y/N

“I suppose you’re right.” She holstered her gun and then looked around the room. “So do you want to go get the Quinjet or do you want to stay here with these guys?” 

“I’ll stay.” Nat said quickly, scared of what Y/N would do if left alone with their remaining captives. 

“Suit yourself. I’ll park it in the backyard so we can possibly avoid detection. Be back in ten.” Y/N replied as if nothing had happened. 

As soon as she was out of the room Nat had the captives line up facing the wall. She then took her phone out and texted Clint. 

Nat: We have a problem

Clint: What’s up? Do you need backup?

Nat: No the mission is over, it’s Y/N. 

Clint: What about her?

Nat: She’s… disconnected. I just watched her kill two unarmed men, and she was completely apathetic. I had to stop her from killing another two. She’s scaring me Clint. Like properly scaring me. 

Clint: Jesus Nat. What do you want to do? 

Nat: Meet me on the platform at the compound when we land. We’ll get the captives unloaded and then trick her back onto the jet and take her somewhere away from the compound. We’ll sit her down and talk to her, see if we can get our Y/N back. 

Clint:Sounds good. Be careful Nat. And look out for Y/N, she doesn’t know what she’s doing right now. 

Nat sighed and then put her phone back in her pocket. She looked at the dead men on the floor with their hands tied behind their backs and Clint’s words ran through her head. She went over to them, cut their binds, and put the strips of plastic into her pocket, hiding what Y/N had done. She knew that they would send a clean up crew to make sure there would be no evidence that they were ever there and she didn’t want any of them asking questions. 

She could hear the Quinjet landing behind the house and told the men to get up and head down the stairs. 

Once all the captives were in the small cells on the jet, Y/N and Nat gathered all intel they could before taking off back to the compound. 

As they sat in their chairs at the front of the jet, Nat couldn’t help but glance over at Y/N. Even when they were doing their worst work for the KGB Y/N tried to hide that she felt every death she caused but Nat knew her and knew it bothered her.

This Y/N sitting beside her was a complete strange and Nat felt a tightness in her chest. When she lost Y/N before it broke her. Now Y/N was sitting right in front of her but she was losing her all over again. She forced herself to take a deep breath and hold it together. She wasn’t going to lose her again, even if she had to take her far away and nurse Y/N back to her old self, Nat would do that. With Clint’s help they would get her back. They had to.


	16. Chapter 16

When they landed the Quinjet, Fury and Clint were waiting for them on the platform with a few extra agents. Y/N walked off and went straight to Fury giving him a quick overview of what they had gotten as far as intel and captives went. 

The extra agents all went into the Quinjet and unloaded the prisoners. With the information and captives handed over, Y/N’s job was done. She turned to go to her room for a much needed shower when Clint called after her from the jet. 

“Y/N, we’ve had a sighting of Pierce and thought the three of us could go surveil the area.” Clint lied motioning to her, Nat and himself. 

“Really?! Sounds great! Let’s go.” Y/N said running back onto the Quinjet.

Clint and Nat took the two seats at the Nav station forcing Y/N to sit in the back. Something they did on purpose so she wouldn’t see where they were going. 

“Do you have the package with the intel?” Y/N asked buckling into the seat that allowed her to be as close to them as she could. 

“Wasn’t time to make one up. We wanted to get on this as soon as possible. It’s about two hours out so if you want to get some sleep I’ll wake you both when we land. You must be tired from the mission.” Clint suggested hoping to make all of this easier. 

“I’m wide awake actually. Excited for the chance of ending Marcus and his resurrection of Hydra.” Y/N responded and Clint shook his head. 

“How about we work on our mission report Y/N” Nat suggested grabbing a tablet from the cupboard beside her.

With Clint knowing exactly where they were going, because he had made arrangements while her and Y/N were flying back, Nat knew this was their best chance of distracting Y/N from asking to many questions. Clint had also let Fury know that he, Nat and Y/N needed the jet for a personal errand and Fury agreed, no questions asked.

“That’s a good idea Nat.” Y/N smiled genuinely and Nat made her way back to her. 

They were just finishing off the report when Clint told them they were landing. Y/N and Nat stayed in the back, buckled until he had completely touched down. Clint came to the back without opening the door. 

“So what’s the plan?” Y/N said unbuckling and checking her weapons. 

“Y/N we need to talk.” Clint said firmly and Nat stood next to him

“About what?” She said walking over to the small armory onboard for more bullets. 

“About you. About…this.” Nat said motioning her hands up and down Y/N’s suit still covered in blood from their last mission. 

“Guys this isn’t the time for…” Y/N started and then stopped. 

She walked to the front of the jet and looked out the window. When she saw where they were she shook her head. 

“The Nova Scotia safe house.” She said and then sighed. “You lied to me about Pierce and then took me all the way to the Nova Scotia safe house to chat.’” 

The Nova Scotia safe house was one of the World Assassin Community’s many safe houses. It was located on it’s own little island off the coast of Nova Scotia, Canada and Y/N knew that the house in front of them was fully stocked with enough food and water to last them a month, if not more. 

“We thought this was the best place considering you can’t go anywhere and therefore have to listen to us.” Clint said with a shrug and Y/N glared at him 

“There are other ways this could go down where I end up with the jet and therefore have a way off the island.” Y/N said crossing her arms across her chest. 

“Is that really how you want this to go down? Are you really willing to fight us just to get out of a conversation?” Nat asked sadly. 

Y/N looked at Nat and then uncrossed her arms and relaxed. 

“Of course not. But honestly there’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine you guys.” 

“Yeah you keep saying that but you’re not. Look at what happened on that mission Y/N. I’ve never seen you so detached before.” Nat exclaimed frustratedly. 

“That’s the way I should’ve been all this time. Detached. It’s what they taught us in the Red Room wasn’t it? Never look at your target as a person. They’re a mission, nothing more. Don’t get close to anyone and don’t let your guard down. I let go of that when we left Russia. I allowed myself to feel freely, to have family and friends. I allowed myself to love and look where that got me. I should’ve embraced this numbness a long time ago.” Y/N said, her body becoming tense. 

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. The Red Room, Y/N that place had one goal and one goal only, create assassins. You’re not an assassin Y/N, you’re an Avenger and a part of the NPA. You do good now. You help people and stop others from suffering. You don’t slit a man’s throat when his hands are tied behind you, that’s not what we do маленький (little one). Теперь мы свободны от этого места. Зачем тебе возвращаться ко всему этому? (We’re free of that place now. Why would you want to take yourself back to all of that?)” Nat said her voice full of sadness. 

“Потому что тогда было проще.(Because it was easier then)” Y/N shouted feeling herself breaking. 

“Love to be a part of this conversation.” Clint said and they realized they had switched to Russian something they both knew drove him crazy. 

“It was easier when I didn’t have to feel.” Y/N said switching back to English. “When I didn’t have to navigate my feelings just to get through the day. I can’t feel because if I do I’m scared of what will happen. I’m scared that I will completely break and there won’t be anything left of me. I went through all of this already and I won’t do it again. My heart has been broken so many times now that there are no more pieces left to put it back together. So I’m choosing to not feel at all just so I can remain upright.” Y/N explained, tears threatening from spilling from her eyes. 

“We’re here, we’ll help you. Just tell us what you need” Clint said taking a step towards Y/N but stopped when he saw her stepping away from him

“You don’t understand. It’s like I’m on the edge of a cliff and the only thing keeping me from plunging down onto the rocky shore, is this blanket of numbness. I don’t know if there is anything anyone can do for me at this point.” 

“You’re wrong. You are so much stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. I’ve seen you get through this before. When I found you behind that dumpster all those years ago you were this skinny, emotionally beaten little thing. You’re heart was broken and for the first year you barely said a word. Regardless you trained hard, and slowly began opening up to me. The rest of it you know. You brought yourself back from the worst possible thing that could’ve had happen to you and you came back stronger emotionally than you’d ever been before. Loving someone doesn’t make us weak, it makes us stronger. Yes sometimes our hearts get broken but we move on and learn from our mistakes.”

“But that’s just it, I don’t learn. I cause this drama and calamity wherever I go. Look how I handled my relationship with Bucky, I thought I loved him wholly and I thought we had a good relationship but it was all lies. I’ve been lying for so long that I can’t even tell the truth to someone I supposedly love. I knew what was happening was wrong and that I should say something and get Buck the help he needed. Instead, I kept my mouth shut, didn’t even tell you two. Hid it from everyone and you know why? Because I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want him to find out because I was selfish and only thinking about myself.” 

Y/N began pacing in the small space of the jet, her heart racing and her breathing was shallow. Nat was about to say something but Y/N continued. 

“Then there’s Ian. Just like you he had to rescue me because I couldn’t save myself. All he got in return was that he didn’t get to share one of the most important parts of his life with the man he loves. Because I had to come back and get closure. Do you see the pattern?” She stopped pacing and faced them, her face hardening “I’m an awful person who doesn’t deserve anyone’s love.” 

Nat and Clint stared at her for a moment, both wanting nothing more to grab onto her, hug her and tell her that they love her. They knew though that with the state she was in she wouldn’t let them anywhere near her. Nat thought carefully and then looked at Y/N again. 

“маленький (little one), I didn’t bring you back with me to the Red Room because I thought you would be a good assassin, I brought you home with me because I saw someone that deserved a second chance at life. The problem was the only second chance I had for you was the Red Room, so that’s where we went. However I always knew that you were better than the rest of us and I knew that because I had been watching you for weeks before I decided to take you in. In the time I watched you, I saw your kindness.” Nat wiped a tear off her cheek and smiled. “I’ll never forget watching you share whatever little food you had with a small cat that followed you everywhere. Or when you were begging and I put 100 Ruble into the little pot you were using, you instantly went over and shared it with the other children that were panning next to you. You are deeply and wholeheartedly good. You always have been.” Nat took a step towards Y/N and this time she didn’t step back. “Yes you have had awful things happen to you and you have been through awful things but you have always come out on the other end of it with goodness in your heart.” 

“I don’t… I’m not…” Y/N was breaking and she knew it. 

Fear flashed in her eyes and Nat was on her in an instant pulling her into her arms. 

“I’m here and I will always be here. We both will.” Nat said rubbing he hand up and down Y/N’s back as she sobbed uncontrollably. “Whatever you need, however long it takes, we’re with you.” 

Y/N felt the weight of the last several hours hit her like a tonne of bricks and she felt her knees give out from underneath her. Nat followed her down and Clint sat down behind her the two of them enveloping her in a cocoon of protection and comfort letting her release everything that had been building up inside of her. 

For what seemed like an eternity Y/N cried as her family held her close. She’d been holding on to so much for so long that when she was done crying she felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. 

When the sniffling stopped and her breathing evened out she lifted her head to look at Clint and Nat, both who lifted their heads at the same time having felt her movement. 

“What do we do now?” Y/N asked unsure of their next step. 

“Well that’s up to you. We can go inside and stay on this little island for as long as we want. Or we can take off and go anywhere in the world. Live life just the three of us.” Clint suggested. 

“Or…” Y/N said looking at him and then sighed. “Or we can go home and I face what I’ve been trying to hide from.” 

“Or we could do that too.” He said with an encouraging smile. 

The three of them had one more silent hug before they all got up to head home. 

Clint went up to the front of the jet to fly them home while Nat and Y/N sat in the back. Y/N had her head on Nat’s shoulder and Nat had her arm around Y/N rubbing slow circles on her back. After a few minutes Y/N spoke. 

“That cat was my only friend by the way and his name was Louie. Louie the cat. He was nice. He would’ve never flown me to the middle of nowhere for a scolding.” 

“Yeah well Louie wasn’t a good a friend as I am was he?” Nat said while leaning over and kissing Y/N on the top of the head. 

“No he wasn’t. You’re right.” Y/N said and then yawned. 

By the time jet landed on the platform at the Avengers compound Y/N had been sleeping soundly for over an hour and a half. 

Nat gave her a squeeze to wake her up and Y/N stood up and stretched out her sore muscles. She had two stops to make and the first was to go see Ian and to take a shower the second was Bucky. She gave Nat and Clint each another hug before heading to her room. 

When she got there Ian was asleep in the bed, his tablet sitting right beside his head. Y/N smiled at the sight and then felt a pang of guilt. She had shut him out and that wasn’t fair at all. She walked over to the bed and sat down slowly not wanting to startle him. She reached over and gently shook his arm while softly calling his name. It only took two tries before his eyes blinked open and then when he saw Y/N sitting in front of him he sat up quickly. 

“Are ya ok? Where the hell have ya been lass I was worried sick.” He said before grabbing her and pulling her into a hug. 

“I’m so sorry Ian. Everything that happened today was so unfair to you, and to top it off I just shut you out. I am so so sorry.” 

“Hush now. Ya have nothing to be sorry for.” Ian said “You’ve had a lot ta deal with lately and I think you’ve bin verra brave.” 

“Me? Ian you came out to a huge group of people. If anyone is brave it’s you.” Y/N said pushing away from his chest and putting her hand on his cheek. “How’s Toby doing?” 

“He’s fine love, he’s verra worried about ya though. Wants ya ta call him when ya can.” 

Y/N got teary thinking about Toby and how much he missed. 

“I feel awful that he wasn’t here for the announcement. He really wanted to be here.” Y/N said shaking her head. “I have a lot of apologies to make but he’s at the top of my list.”

“Well it’s a little early in the morn ta give him a call jus now. But tomorrow will be jus fine. And ya don’t have to apologize, we’re both doing fine love. It’s ya we be worrying about.” 

“I’m ok.” Y/N said and Ian gave her a look. “I’m ok now I should say. Nat and Clint flew me to Nova Scotia and we talked.” 

“Seems like ya have a bit ta tell me.” Ian said and Y/N nodded her head. 

She told him all about the mission and then about her talk with Clint and Nat. Ian added in his own forms of encouragement and love, assuring her that what had happened that morning was a good thing. He can openly be who he really is now and after the shock of the experience wore off he was beyond relieved. They ended up talking for a few hours and when they could they called Toby and had a heart felt family discussion about everything that had been going on. Toby continuously told Y/N how much he loved her and even held up Rollie to say hi to her. When they disconnected from Toby the sun was rising and Y/N stifled a yawn. 

“Why don’t ya go to bed lass.” Ian suggested but Y/N shook her head. 

“No I have to shower and I should really call Director Cooper. After that I want to go and find Bucky. We have a lot to talk about and I won’t be able to sleep until I do.” 

Ian decided to get an hour of sleep before starting the day so Y/N gave him a quick kiss on the forehead before she went and took a long hot shower. 

Feeling like a completely different person having showered and now was in jeans and a t-shirt, she grabbed her laptop and headed to the living room to contact Director Cooper. She set everything up and then grabbed a cup of coffee, sipping it contently while the line on the communications app connected with the NPA head office. She heard a beep and then Gracie’s face showed up on the screen. 

“Director Cooper’s office how may I help you?” 

“Hey Gracie, is Liam around?” Y/N asked smiling

“Yes Agent Y/L/N he’s been waiting for your call.” 

Before Y/N could ask why Gracie had put her on hold to connect her with Liam. Y/N began to get nervous that Liam had heard about what had happened on the mission and was going to pull her back to headquarters. By the time Liam’s face appeared on the screen Y/N was in full blown panic mode. 

“Y/N I’ve been expecting you to call since yesterday.” He said looking down at something on his desk.

“Yes sir I apologize. A lot has happened and I am just getting a chance now to give you an update. I am sorry that you didn’t hear the information directly from me.” 

“Well yes Y/N that would have been preferred but I commend you on putting your personal feelings aside and doing what’s best for the agency.” 

“I assure you sir the mission here is my top priority.” Y/N responded automatically but then stopped and replayed in her head what Liam had just said. “Sorry, what exactly do you mean putting my personal feelings aside?” 

“Well I know how strongly opposed you were to this so I’m glad you changed your mind.” Liam said now looking at her directly through the screen. 

“Sorry I’m a bit lost sir. Changed my mind about what?” 

“Using the Winter Soldier as bait to get info for the mission. Director Fury said Mr. Barnes approached him last night insisting on the mission. As you two have a history I figured you were the one who convinced him to come forward.” Liam said slightly confused himself now.

“I absolutely did not. I told you that I hated the idea. I can’t believe that Bucky agreed to this what was he thinking? Liam he isn’t thinking rationally right now and is not in the right state of mind for this mission. You have to call the whole thing off. I’m sorry but I won’t allow you to do this. I’ll talk to Bucky and tell him this isn’t an option.” Y/N said defiantly. 

“Y/N that isn’t possible. The Winter Soldier Bait program was put into motion last night. He’s already been in the field and Hydra currently has him. I’m sorry, all we can do is wait and hope his head clears enough to get out of there unharmed.”


	17. Chapter 17

Y/N ran down the hall, her mind swimming with anxiety. Bucky was in Hydra’s hand and he wasn’t thinking clearly. All she could think about was the last thing he said to her.

“I am the nightmare.” 

Those words were all she could hear as she burst into the Ops room. Frantically looking around she saw that only Steve was in the room sitting with a tablet in his hands and an earpiece in his ear. He’d been leaning back in his chair but had bolted upright when Y/N slammed her way in. 

“Where is he? What’s going on? Where is everyone?” She yelled looking over at the large monitor in front of them. 

“He’s fine Y/N, really. We put a tracker in his arm as well as a mic. We can hear him but he can’t hear us. They took him to DC and have him in a cell in the basement of a safe house. Tony also put in a small chip that will make Bucky’s arm vibrate so we can let him know when the team’s coming in. Who by the way are on standby. Everything’s ok I promise.” 

“Everything’s ok?” Y/N looked at him angrily “He literally just told us he thinks he’s a nightmare. He’s not thinking straight and you sent him back to Hydra. With the state of mind he’s in how could you possibly think this is a good idea? Everything is not ok Steven.” 

“Y/N honestly, listen to him. He’s ok.” Steve replied sincerely 

He removed his earpiece and then pressed a button on the tablet causing Bucky’s voice to come on in the overhead speakers. Y/N looked up in confusion. 

Bucky was quietly singing Another One Bites the Dust by Queen and in the background Y/N could hear a rhythmic thumping sound. 

“He found a tennis ball in the cell and has been throwing it at the wall for the last hour. Also I think he’s making his way through all of Queen’s greatest hits.” 

“I don’t understand. He’s with Hydra why is he so calm?” Y/N asked walking over and sitting in the chair next to Steve.

“I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything to me directly yet but he knows I’m the only one here because he insisted on it.” 

“How could you let him go?” Y/N asked Steve shaking her head. “I sent you after him to stop him from doing exactly this.” 

Y/N’s anger and anxiety had calmed down but she was still scared to death for Bucky. 

“I didn’t have much of a choice Y/N. I went after him when he walked away but he wouldn’t talk to me, told me he needed space. So I gave him space, went back to the group and finished the training. After that I was notified Director Fury needed to see me and when I got there he told me Bucky was already in the field and that he only wanted me overseeing this mission. So I’ve been sitting here listening to everything ever since. But it hasn’t been what I expected at all. It’s like they don’t really know what to do with him. They had this big idea to get him but now that they have him they just threw him in the cell and are waiting for someone else to decide what to do.” 

Y/N frowned and looked back at the monitor which had a map with Bucky’s location on it. She was about to apologize to Steve for being so hard on him when Bucky began talking. 

“You there Steve? I know you can’t talk to me but that vibrating thing Stark put in my arm, we could do yes or no questions. Once for yes, twice for no, three for the cavalry is coming. What do you think?” 

Steve reached over to the tablet and opened an app. Once it was opened Y/N smiled when she saw that all it was was a large red button that said ‘push me’. 

“Tony?” She asked and Steve sighed

“Yeah he wanted to make sure I didn’t get confused.” 

Steve pressed the button once and instantly they heard Bucky speak again. 

“Alright then. So this has been anticlimactic. This new Hydra is unorganized to say the least. And they’re all so young.” He paused and after about half a minute he continued. “Like we were when we first went to war. Do you remember how young we were Stevie?” 

Steve smiled and pushed the button once. 

“Yeah me too bud. Things were so much easier then. Back when I was a good person. When I didn’t have all this… baggage.”

Steve looked at the button not sure what to do. 

“This is actually pretty nice. I get to talk and not only do you have to listen, you can’t interrupt.”

Steve pressed the button once and they heard Bucky chuckle. It was a few more minutes before Bucky spoke again. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what happened with Y/N. I should’ve, I’m not sure why I didn’t. I think I was so ashamed and was harboring so much guilt over the whole thing that I couldn’t even think about it let alone admit to you what I did. I knew you would be disappointed in me, hell everyone is now that’s it’s all out in the open.” 

Steve glanced at Y/N and then pressed the button twice.

“No? Steve come on, In the last few days you’ve learned that I destroyed my relationship with Y/N by verbally abusing the hell out of her and then I told you I did it because I found out I had been physically abusing her. Then there’s what happened yesterday with Ian. Disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover it.” 

Steve hung his head not knowing what to say so Y/N reached over and grabbed the tablet, pressing the button twice, waited a few seconds and then pressing it twice again to make her point clear. 

“What it doesn’t count because I didn’t know I was doing it? That’s a bunch of bullshit Steve and we both know it.” 

Y/N pressed the button twice again

“I’m not going to argue with you about this. I just know I can never forgive myself for this so how can I ask any of you guys to forgive me. Especially Y/N. God knows I would get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness every day for everything I’ve done to her if I could, but I don’t deserve it.” 

Y/N stared at the button and shook her head. She pressed it once and he scoffed. 

“You know I don’t Steve. She deserved so much more than I gave her. God I wish I was the man that she deserves. I look at her now and she seems like she’s happy and I reassure myself that everything worked out for the best. But sometimes, sometimes I see a look in her eyes when she thinks no one is looking and she looks so defeated. Then I’m overcome with the guilt of living with the fact that I did that to her and I want to take it all back. It’s like I left a scar on her soul that will never heal. I regret everything I said that night. It wasn’t her fault that I couldn’t control myself. It should be me that has that scar, not her.” 

Frustration gripped at Y/N due to having only the choice to say yes or no. She had so much she wanted to say in response and she couldn’t. So she chose to press the button twice, lingering on the second vibration wishing that he would read into it what she was trying to say. 

He sighed. 

“You know she thinks I never loved her. God is she wrong. When I was with her, it was like my heart was lighter. I was relaxed and let myself to be open to everything life had for me and it was all because of her. The man I was in her eyes was a good man, a man that deserved love and kindness. A man that deserved a second chance. However, I’m not that man. We pretended I was but the reality is that I am what I’ve always been, a volatile mess of a man. But I loved her then and I love her still. She was right about one thing, when she said true love is forever because I swear I’ll love her until I take my last breath.”

The heard him hum as he took a deep breath and continued.

“I have this box under my bed that is filled with a bunch of things that remind me of her. Little things that I kept during our time together. In particular though it has letters that I’ve written to her over these last three years. In every letter I tried to explain to her why I did what I did and I tried to tell her how much I love her but my words never did it justice.I mean how do you tell someone that you love them so much that you let them go, even if it was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. I kept writing to her though, when the pain of losing her became too much. It didn’t matter anyways because I didn’t even know where to send them and even if I did, I knew she would’ve never read them. They would’ve most likely ended up in the garbage unopened.” 

Y/N could feel tears flowing down her cheeks and she gripped the tablet tight in her hands and pressing the button twice. 

“God dammit why didn’t you guys make this a two way com device.” She cried out and looked to look at Steve who couldn’t seem to answer her. 

“Do you remember that night? The night of Stark’s gala?” Bucky asked and Y/N let out a sob pressing the button once.

“I’d been trying so hard to push Y/N away for weeks leading up to that gala because I was going to leave the next night. When she walked up the stairs wearing that damn dress though, I almost forgot everything. All I could think of was how beautiful, sexy and confident she looked. I looked around and could see every other man around her staring at her and yet she was only looking at me. I couldn’t believe that out of everyone she chose me to love. Everything melted away and I imagined myself going up to her and taking her in my arms, placing a soft kiss on her lips and then telling her I loved her. I imagined we weren’t an unstable assassin and a broken woman but instead just two people who loved each other and had no worries. Then she made it to the table and I saw her arm and the sadness in her eyes and that scenario faded away and was replaced by reality.” 

Y/N was openly sobbing now and Steve reached over and took her hand. 

“I swear Steve I only did what I did that night because I loved her too much to allow her to be with someone like me. It killed me to do it and I was so very wrong to do it the way I did it. I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again but I wasn’t worthy of her love.”

Y/N pressed the button twice but Bucky didn’t say anything else for awhile and Y/N felt every second of his silence. When he finally spoke again he sniffled alerting Y/N to the fact that he had been silently crying. 

“Do you know why I agreed to this mission?” 

Y/N nodded with her head down, tears falling from her chin onto the tablet. She pressed the button once.

“I’m sure you do but I’m going to say it anyways.” He coughed lightly and then continued. “For so long Hydra has been in my head. Even after I got away, even after the trigger words were removed, even when I knew I was safe I always had doubts. I was certain that one day Hydra would take me again and that everything that I was experiencing was just temporary until I went back to being their prisoner. So that’s how I lived, with nightmares of being ripped away from everyone I cared about and put back in cryo just to go through another 70 years of torture and madness. I tried to allow myself to completely submerge myself into the present but never let myself forget that it was only temporary, so I should enjoy it while I could. Sometimes I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it but then I would feel a pang of guilt and it would all come back to me. So anyways, after I was faced with everything I’d done to Y/N, and admitting finally how I hurt her I knew exactly what I needed to do. There was no point in delaying the inevitable, I would just turn myself over to Hydra and take the torture as punishment for what I did to her. But now that I’m here, something unexpected has happened. I see that they aren’t a threat to anyone anymore. Even if I was face to face with this Marcus Pierce, a man whose father had a heavy hand in a lot of my pain, I think I’d be fine. It’s weird but it’s like I’m finally free from everything that has been holding me back all these years. I mean they were saying that they needed to find someone who knew the trigger words so they could activate me and I laughed. Like out loud in their faces laughed because I realized that they had no control over me and even if they did, they don’t know the damn words to say anyways.” 

Bucky started laughing again but Y/N remained staring at the tablet, her eyes filled with tears. Bucky’s laughter died out eventually and he sat quietly for a few moments before speaking again. 

“I think once we stop this uprising from happening I’ll finally be ready to let go of my past and move on to my future. I mean I’m not sure what it’s going to look like and right now it’s pretty bleak but at least I’m ready to move forward now instead of backwards.” 

Y/N pressed the button once, feeling hopeful for Bucky.

“Anyways, thanks for listening bud. Not like you have a choice.” Bucky chuckled and then they heard him stand up and moan while stretching his muscles. “I think it’s time we called it quits here Steve. I won’t get any usable information out of these guys and I’m starving. So what do you say, send the troops in and get me home in time for dinner?”

Y/N handed the tablet over to Steve and he took over, letting the agents know that he was ready for them to extract Bucky and when he had confirmation, he pressed the button three times. 

“Alright, see you soon Steve.” Bucky said sounding better than he had in a long time.

Both Y/N and Steve listened until the extraction was complete and Bucky was safely away from Hydra’s grasp. Once it was over Steve rubbed his hands over his face and then looked at Y/N. 

“I’ve been sitting here thinking about what I should say to you. I mean it wasn’t exactly fair to Bucky to sit here and let you listen, however I made the choice to not stop you from hearing his words because I feel like you needed to. You need to know how he feels and I’m hoping that after everything you just heard you would consider talking to Bucky about everything. And maybe fixing things between you.” Steve said and then leaned over and squeezed Y/N’s knee. 

“I’m going to talk to him, there’s no way I could listen to all of that and not go talk to him. As for fixing things, we’ll see Steve. I mean I have a lot I have to get passed and you have to remember I’m a part of Buck’s past, and he wants to look ahead to the future. Maybe the best thing for him is a peace between us, some closure before we both go our separate ways. Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we’ll be together and get our happily ever after. Like he said, sometimes you if you love someone you have to let them go.” 

She stood up and then bent over and kissed Steve on the forehead before leaving the Ops room and heading to the residential building. 

She knew it would take Bucky a about an hour and a half to get home and as much as she wanted to wait for him on the platform and talk to him as soon as he got off the jet, that wasn’t fair to him. She asked FRIDAY to alert her when Bucky had arrived back at the compound and then decided what she was going to do. 

She went to storage looking for her “Bucky Bin” and brought it back to her room. She opened it and saw that Wanda had retrieved her dress from that night and instead of throwing it back in the garbage, she moved it into the side of the bin. It had won its place there now and Y/N was glad Wanda had saved it. She pulled out the shirt she was looking for, Bucky’s shirt, and slipped it on. She wrapped her arms around herself finally allowing herself to miss him. With tears in her eyes she went over to her nightstand and pulled out a small wooden box. It had a tree beautifully carved in the top and on the bottom had Bucky’s name crudely carved into the soft wood. This was her Bucky box. She had bought the box years ago because she thought it was beautiful and ended up filling it with memories of her and Bucky when they were together. It was something that she had taken with her every place she went for the last three years and wasn’t shocked to see that Ian had put it in her suitcase when he packed for her. Sometimes when she was feeling particularly sad about Bucky she would go through the box remembering the good times. After sitting for a little while going through the box, FRIDAY announced that Bucky had landed and was on his way to his room. Y/N got up and headed to Bucky’s room, box in hand. 

She went in and sat on the bed feeling nervous about talking to Bucky. She was thinking back over everything he’d said and was overcome with a desire to reach under the bed and pull out the box that Bucky had mentioned. She resisted the urge knowing that it would be violating Bucky’s privacy and instead placed her own box on the bed next to her.

When she finally heard his footsteps approaching her heart started to flutter and she took a long deep breath to calm down. He entered the room looking down at his phone and Y/N took a moment to look him over. He looked lighter, more relaxed than he had in a long time and it made Y/N smile. 

When he turned around to close the door Y/N lightly cleared her throat to let him know she was there. He turned around quickly but then relaxed when he saw it was her. 

He looked her over seeing the shirt she was wearing and the box on his bed and gave her a confused look.

“What are you doing in here?” He asked his brow furrowed.

“Buck, we need to talk.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Buck, we need to talk” Y/N repeated as he stood there staring at her, his forehead wrinkled in a mixture of concern and confusion. “Please” she begged softly, patting the bed next to her. 

Bucky inhaled and exhaled through his nose and then sat down beside her. She nodded gratefully and then turned to him so her knee was propped up on the bed, the wooden box sitting in her lap. 

“When I left, I only grabbed things I would need. Clothes, toiletries, documents, money; those type of things. Except this, I allowed myself to bring this.” Y/N said looking down at the box. “I didn’t even take my music box with me, something that I’ve managed to hold onto my whole life. The only memories I wanted to take with me were the ones in this box.” 

She undid the latch on the front of the box and then opened it to reveal it’s contents. Bucky stared at them confused. 

“Everything in this box is a memory of a moment shared between you and me.” Y/N explained and then picked up a comic cut out of the morning paper. “This is the first time I heard you laugh. You were reading the morning paper and had a look of great concern on your face. For a moment I thought that someone had written a bad article about you and I wanted to reach over and take the paper away from you to shield you from the pain. But then I leaned over and saw you were looking at the Sunday comics You didn’t understand the reference and I sat down beside you, explaining that it was funny because of a particular pop culture reference. You ended up laughing so hard you had tears in your eyes. From that day forward every Sunday we would meet and read the comics together.” 

She placed the comic gently down on the bed and then reached in and pulled out a golf tee. 

“This is our first date. You’d taken me mini golfing but both of us had forgotten to check the weather and we ended up having to take shelter under a giant fiberglass mushroom from a rainstorm. That’s where we had our first kiss. Our clothes were soaked through and I remember being so cold but then you slipped your arms around me and kissed me like it was the only thing you wanted to do in the whole world and it instantly warmed up my whole body.” Y/N smiled and quickly brushed away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. 

“This is the first time we made love.” She said pulling out a tea light candle. “You had taken me out for a beautiful dinner at that Italian place we loved. When we got back to the tower and headed to my room we were met with a hundred of these lit all over the room. I still have no idea how you did that.” 

“Nat and Steve” Bucky said with a shrug causing Y/N to smile. 

“Of course.” She replied and then pulled out a small square piece of plaid material

“This is the first time we said I love you. We were in England on a mission with Steve and Wanda. The mission was over and we were slated to go home but we snuck away and went to the coast. We sat at the top of the White Cliffs of Dover, laid out this plaid blanket and just held each other as we admired the view. Just when the sun was about to go down you tilted my head towards you and told me you loved me. It was one of the happiest moments of my life and it was easy to tell you that I loved you too.” 

Y/N glanced up at Bucky and could see a soft smile on his lips but unshed tears in his eyes. Understanding now what she was showing him he reached into the box and pulled out a champagne cork. 

“That is… “ Y/N started but Bucky interrupted her.

“Our first anniversary. We had gone back to that mini golf place and actually finished our round this time. But not before a little make out session under the mushroom. Then we went up to the roof of the compound with a bottle of champagne. It was perfect until I tried to open said champagne and ended up hitting myself in the eye with this cork. I thought the whole night was ruined but then you started laughing and I saw that no matter what happens, as long as I was with you it would be perfect.” 

Y/N reached over slowly and took Bucky’s hand in hers. When he didn’t pull away she smiled. 

“There are a lot of other things in this box. Letters written between the two of us, pictures, more small objects like these and those post it notes we used to leave for each other around our rooms. Notes that were serious; I love you, I’m proud of you, I’ll miss you. But then there were notes that teased like the one you made that said ‘don’t forget deodorant’ complete with a drawing of a stick person, stink lies coming out from it’s armpits.” Both of them laughed at the memory. “I kept it all Buck and took it with me when I left because even though the end of our relationship was bad, there were so many good times that I never wanted to forget.” 

Bucky nodded his head and bit the inside of cheek.

“I want to be completely honest with you, I was in the Ops room today.” 

Bucky looked at Y/N, brows furrowed and shook his head. She let go of his hand placing it back in her own lap. 

“Don’t be mad at Steve, he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. When I found out that you’d gone on that stupid mission I went into a full blown anxiety spiral and knew I wouldn’t be ok until I knew you were safe. I was livid at you for agreeing to do the mission and I was beyond mad with Steve for letting you go. When Steve put you on the overhead speakers and I heard you singing I was confused but still scared. You were with them, of all my fears, you being captured by Hydra again was one of my biggest. I was determined to stay there until you were free from them, but then you started talking and I knew I should leave but I just couldn’t. I know it was wrong to listen and if you wanted me to know those things you would’ve told me yourself. However, I think at this point we both have to admit that we’ve always kept too much from each other.” 

In front of her Bucky’s face relaxed and he nodded his head. 

“I think now though we’ve gotten to the point where there’s no more secrets.” She said and he hummed in agreement. “Which I think is a great place to be, because now we can move forward. Keeping the good memories and understanding the bad.” 

“What do you mean move forward?” Bucky asked softly

Y/N smiled sadly and then sighed

“I’m not exactly sure. We love each other, we both know that now, but there are emotional scars on each of us from our time together. We’ve both done things that will be extremely hard to get past no matter how much we regret them and how sorry we are. I’ve shown you though that there’s a lot of good between us too.” 

Bucky reached over and took Y/N’s hand in his. She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand. 

“I think together need to come to a decision on whether or not the good outweighs the bad. Because if it doesn’t then we have to let go and accept that our lives are meant to be lived on separate paths.This time though we’ll be able to walk away knowing that we did right by each other and that the decision was made based on what’s best for both of us. We’ll have closure by being honest.”

Bucky moved closer to Y/N and pressed his forehead against hers. 

“And if we decide that the good does outweigh the bad?” He whispered 

“Then we have more we need to talk about and work through. We won’t be able to jump back in where we left off because we can’t get that back just by deciding to move forward together. We’ll have to work hard at it, but maybe one day we’ll no longer be an unstable assassin and a broken woman but instead just two people who loved each other and have no worries.” She quoted him and he smiled. “Let’s each take some time and think about what we want to do.”

He nodded his head and then pulled back from her. Standing up and reached out his hand to her. When she accepted he pulled her up and then gingerly wrapped his arms around her pulling her into a soft hug. Y/N felt tears stinging her eyes again and she squeezed him tightly, breaking down and letting herself cry. They had both imagined doing this so many times over the last three years, it was nice that it was now a reality. After awhile Bucky reluctantly pulled out of the hug but kept his hands on her waist not quite ready to let her go yet. 

“You know when you said that if I had wanted you to know those things I said to Steve I would’ve told you myself?” Bucky asked and Y/N nodded her head. 

He let go of her and bent down reaching under his bed. When he stood up he had a shoe box in his hands with Y/N’s name written in black marker across the top. 

“I did tell you all those things. Over and over again.” He said taking the lid off the box revealing dozens of letters. 

He took them out and handed them to Y/N. 

“These letters say everything that I’ve ever wanted to say to you but never could. I want you to have them, regardless of what we decide.” 

Y/N took the stack of letters and held them against her chest continuing to cry. She glanced in the box and saw that he had the same sort of assortment of random objects that he had kept from their relationship. At the bottom of the box she could see an Alexander Pushkin poetry book. Placed between the pages of the book she saw a piece of paper and she knew that is was the letter she had written him the night she left. She still remembered everything that she had written.

Bucky,   
Where do I start? I know you don’t care enough to even read this letter but there are things I have to say for myself and writing them here I’ll know that I said my piece, even if no one ever reads this.  
I’m sorry that I didn’t see sooner that what our relationship was for me wasn’t the same as what it was for you. I love you, I truly do but it’s clear that you don’t love me and that’s something I have to learn to live with.   
The things you said to me tonight can never be forgiven or forgotten. Not that you desire either. So I’m giving you exactly what you wanted. I’m going to disappear. The pain of losing you was enough to send me away but with everything you said tonight I don’t think I could stand to be around you anymore.   
So you won’t ever have to see me again. You won’t ever have to cringe when you wake up and see me sleeping in your bed next to you. You won’t ever have to feel rage and anger when you walk into the kitchen and see me waiting for you. You’ll be completely free of me just like you wanted.   
I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you but I want you to know that you were everything to me. My one and only. I hope one day you find yours.   
Goodbye Bucky Barnes, I hope life’s good to you.   
Y/N 

Так нежно я тебя любил, так искренне. (So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely.)

Я молю, чтобы Бог даровал тебе другую любовь. I pray God grant another love you so.

Y/N ran her fingers over the cover of the poetry book that Bucky must have taken from her room. 

“It took me a few months to find the poem that you quoted at the end. I spent hours going through all the books in your room, reading every line of poetry I could. I should’ve known it was Pushkin, you used to read me his work in Russian all the time.” 

Y/N nodded her head picking up the book. It automatically opened to the poem called “I loved you” her letter tucked neatly holding the page. 

“I knew that I could just google it but for some reason it made me feel like this was the last little bit of you I had left and I didn’t want to let it go. Spending time in your room reading the books you’ve read, some of them to me, it held the pain at bay for just a little bit. Then I found the right poem and it hurt far worse than I ever thought it could.” 

Bucky began reciting the poem out loud having read it so many times he knew it off by heart:

I loved you; even now I must confess,

Some embers of my love their fire retain;

But do not let it cause you more distress,

I do not want to sadden you again.

Hopeless and tongue tied, yet I loved you dearly

With pangs the jealous and the timid know;

So tenderly I love you, so sincerely,

I pray God grant another love you so.

When he finished Y/N gently pulled out the letter from the book. It looked like it had been read hundreds of times, the paper soft from being handled so much. 

“I read it pretty obsessively the first year you were gone, but after that I only took it out on anniversaries. The day you left, your birthday, the day I fell in love with you.” Shaking his head he hastily wiped a tear from his cheek. “Every time I read it it was like opening an old wound and not letting it heal.” 

Y/N put the book back in the box and then took the box from Bucky’s hands placing it back on the bed. She placed the letters beside the box and then wrapped her arms around Bucky’s neck, their faces only inches apart. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. The smell of cedar wood and a slight hint of cinnamon filled her lungs and it smelt like home. Without hesitation she buried her face into his neck feeling complete for the first time in a long time. Bucky reached up and cupped the back of her head with his right hand. 

“I’ve missed you so much моя любовь (My love)” he said closing his eyes as well. 

“I’ve missed you too.” Y/N whispered, her breath on his neck sending chills down his body. 

He pulled her back and then moved his lips closer to hers. He brushed his bottom lip over her top one and she pressed into him slowly letting him know it was what she wanted too. Now having permission he pressed his lips against hers softly. This kiss was filled with love and they savored every moment. 

Painfully they pulled away from each other knowing it was time to part. 

“I should go.” Y/N said turning towards the bed and grabbing her box along with her letters from Bucky. 

Bucky sat down on the bed his head down staring at his hands. 

“Bucky can you make me a promise.” Y/N said kneeling down in front of him and he lifted his head to look at her. 

“Anything babe.” Bucky said with a small smile 

“Promise that no matter what you decide we still talk about it. Even if you decide you can’t do this you need to tell me. I’ll make you the same promise. No more hiding, and that goes for both of us.” 

Bucky nodded and then leaned in and placed a kiss on Y/N’s forehead.

“I promise.” 

Y/N stood up and even though her heart was screaming at her to stay she turned and left Bucky’s room. 

She went back into her room and sat down on her bed placing the letters in front of her. She leaned over and put her Bucky box back in her nightstand and then turned back to the letters. She wanted to immediately dive in and read all of them but she knew that she hadn’t really slept at all since the day before and she wanted a clear head for when she read Bucky`s words. Sighing she moved them to her nightstand and then crawled under the covers. When she woke she would read them as she weighed the good and the bad, her future with Bucky hanging in the balance.


	19. Chapter 19

Y/N ended up sleeping for 11 hours straight. She woke up at 4:00am and felt Ian’s arm wrapped around her waist. She pushed herself back a bit and pulled his arm tighter around her. The two of them cuddling in their sleep wasn’t anything new. When she first moved in with Ian and Toby that first month was really rough for her. So when she would have a particularly bad night she would end up crawling into Ian and Toby’s bed between the two of them and they would each hold her comforting her and letting her know she wasn’t alone. After that it wasn’t out of the ordinary to find Y/N and Toby cuddling on the couch while watching movies or Ian actually sleeping in Y/N’s bed and not the couch when they were on missions. They both cared about her deeply and always wanted her to feel safe and she loved them both more than they could ever know. 

After enjoying the comfort of being in Ian’s arms for a few more minutes Y/N quietly got up and grabbed Bucky’s letter off the nightstand. 

Grabbing a blanket off the chair in the corner she wrapped it around her and went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. Knowing she wanted space to be alone, think and read the letters, she decided to head up to the roof. 

The roof of the residential building had always been a special place for Y/N. Even before she was with Bucky she used to come up here with a blanket and a pillow and read under the starlight. When Tony found out he arranged to have the roof completely done up for her with couches, rugs, flowers and lots of little lights. He didn’t tell her he was doing it, she just went up one day and was surprised by the transformation. She had kept it a secret for a couple of weeks, enjoying her own space but in the end she felt bad for not sharing it with everyone else so she showed the rest of the team. They used it periodically as well, but they all knew this was Y/N special place and when she started dating Bucky they stopped going up there, letting them have it all to themselves. 

She had been avoiding coming up here since she got back because it brought up too many memories of her time with Bucky. Right now though, that was exactly what she needed. She opened the door and turned the lights on. See her favorite place again brought her immense joy and she went and sat down in her favorite chair. With her tea and her letters she began reading Bucky’s words. 

The first 4 or 5 letters were filled with apologies and explanations. Y/N had cried a lot but continued reading despite the pain it was causing her. Reading these letters pulled her into Bucky’s anguish and she wanted to understand what he went through when she left. 

After those letters the rest were a bit different. It was almost like a journal now and Y/N felt like she was peering into a part of him that she wasn’t meant to see. She constantly had to remind herself that these letters were for her and that he wanted her to read them. 

APRIL 7th

Last night I had another nightmare and ended up crawling into your bed for comfort. I can still smell the scent of your body wash on the sheets but it’s fading and soon it will be gone just like you. Still for now I’m able to lie in your bed, breathing you in and pretending that you’re here, because it’s the only comfort I have at this point.

It wasn’t the nightmare I used to have, where I remember my past or something awful I’ve done. No my nightmares now are about losing you. The night I lost you plays out over and over while I’m forced to watch it behind a pane of glass without being able to stop myself. I watch as your heart breaks and I throw you out of my life. I try to yell and scream at myself to stop, and I bang on the glass trying to break it to get to you, but I can’t no matter how hard I try. Eventually you turn and face me behind the glass, begging me to stop and asking me over and over why I’m doing this to you. I try and apologize but you can’t hear me. Slowly you fade away and I’m left staring at my own reflection but I look away unable to look at myself. 

SEPTEMBER 18th

This morning Steve found me in your bed and looked at me with pity in his eyes. It made me feel sick. I let them all think that you left me and broke my heart but that wasn’t what happened and I’m disgusted and ashamed that I was a coward and let you take the fall for this.

DECEMBER 15th

I read your letter again to make sure the pain was still fresh. I have no right to move passed what I did to you so I’ll continue opening that wound as punishment for what I did to us. 

Y/N read through the letters unable to put them down but constantly needed to take small breaks to absorb everything she was reading. 

After a few more letters Y/N got up, wrapping her blanket around her again and watched the sunrise, thinking about what it would be like to have Bucky behind her with his arms wrapped around her whispering that he loved her. 

She was having a hard time remembering that she had to not just think about the cuddles, kissing, sex, companionship and love. She had to also think about what it would be like if she did decide to be with him again. Would she close a part of herself off, scared he would one day turn on her and use her insecurities against her again? Would he trust that she was always telling the truth or would he constantly question if she was hiding something from him? Doubt crept up into her heart and she turned around, looking back at the letters. They were raw and honest filled with regret and emotion. She wished she could give him something similar so that he knew what she had gone through as well and where her head had been at. It was only fair he have the same insight that she now had. Unfortunately Y/N didn’t write Bucky any letters and she was rubbish at keeping a journal, so her time away was never documented. 

She felt a shiver run through her and decided to head down and get some coffee. She gathered up Bucky’s letter, took them down to her room and changed into jeans and sweater before heading to the kitchen. 

Everyone in the tower were early risers so the kitchen and common room were full of the two teams. She went over and poured herself a cup of coffee and then leaned against the counter, watching everyone interacting with each other. She noticed how at home everyone felt with each other and she was overjoyed to see these two parts of her life come together so easily. Looking around the room her body tensed slightly when she saw Ian and Bucky on the terrace, deep in conversation. She wasn’t sure if she should go out there or leave them be. Her mind was made up when Steve placed his arm around her and leaned over, whispering in her ear. 

“They’ve been out there for almost an hour. I was nervous when Bucky asked Ian if they could talk so I’ve been keeping an eye on them but there isn’t even a hint of animosity in their body language.” 

Y/N relaxed under Steve’s arm and took a sip of her coffee, peering over the rim of her cup at two men she loved dearly. 

“How are you doing?” Steve asked and she rested her head in the crook of his arm. 

“We talked. It was a good talk. But now we both have a lot to think about.” 

“I know. Bucky came to me so he could talk some things through. It must have been right after you talked to him. We were up most of the night.” Steve said and then yawned as if mentioning it reminded him of how tired he was.

“Thank you for doing that. I know that when he has a lot on his mind he likes to talk things through to get perspective.” Y/N said smiling and taking another sip of her coffee. 

“Yeah it’s been a really long time since we’ve talked like that. I missed it.” Steve said looking over at Bucky. “I feel like he’s held back so much since you left that he hasn’t been fully here. I thought it was heartache but he was suffering so much more than I realized. I feel pretty awful I didn’t see it or try and help more.” 

“Steve, there’s no way you could’ve known.” Y/N said removing herself from under his arm and stood in front of him. 

He looked so tired and not just because he didn’t sleep last night. She knew he was dealing with a lot himself and hadn’t had anyone to talk to either for a long time. 

“Hey you know what we should do?” Y/N said a mischievous grin spreading across her face. 

“Are you serious? It’s like 7:30 in the morning.” Steve said, knowing exactly what she was suggesting. 

“So who cares. Come on we haven’t done it since before I started dating Bucky.” Y/N whined. 

Steve sighed and then closed his eyes. She knew she had him and started softly bouncing up and down. 

“Fine, you get the whip cream and chocolate sauce and I’ll get the rest.” He relented and Y/N practically squealed with delight. 

“Deal, meet in the big board room with the giant table?” She asked heading to the fridge. 

“Of course, where else would we go to do this?” Steve asked and she nodded her head.

20 minutes later they were both sitting crossed legged on top of the boardroom table, all the makings for banana splits sitting in front of them. 

“I can’t believe you talked me into eating all this junk first thing in the morning.” Steve said scooping ice cream into both their bowls. 

“We’re grown ups now Steve, we can eat ice cream whenever we want.” Y/N said spraying whip cream into her mouth. 

“Do you know how long I’m going to have to spend at the gym just to work this all off.” Steve asked and grabbed a cherry popping it into his mouth. 

“Jesus Christ Steve, relax a little.” Y/N encouraged and then put her hands behind her on the table, leaning back. “How’re you doing Steve? I mean put all of the shit that’s happened in the last week aside, how are you actually doing?” 

Steve took a big bite of ice cream and thought about it for a minute. When he swallowed he looked at her and sighed 

“I’m tired. I’ve been worrying about Bucky for so long that it’s all I think about. When I go to bed at night I lay there just listening to make sure Bucky isn’t having a nightmare. When I do eventually fall asleep and wake up to his screaming, I feel guilty for not getting there sooner. I know that if I ever told Bucky that he would tell me not to worry about him so much, maybe even get mad at me for putting him first, but I can’t help it.”

Y/N nodded her head, knowing all too well what he was going through. 

“While I was away I obviously thought a lot about Bucky and our relationship. Being away from him, let me see things more clearly than I ever could’ve when I was here. You and I have always worried about him. We based our whole existence around protecting him and keeping him safe. I think we were relentless in our efforts and in doing so we never gave him the chance to prove to not only us but also himself that he was ok, that he was safe and that he could live freely now. We’ve always been so concerned about protecting him we failed to realize that maybe he doesn’t really need protecting.” 

Steve sat there thinking about what she said. They ate their ice cream in silence for a little while before Steve spoke again. 

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should take a step back, let him take care of himself. I mean not abandon him completely, it’s not like I’m not going to help him after nightmares and stuff. But maybe not be so…” 

“Motherly?” Y/N asked cause Steve to laugh 

“Yeah motherly.”

“I know it’ll be tough, making yourself not worry too much. Maybe though after hearing what he said on the coms yesterday it’ll be a little easier. I mean if he’s ready to move forward, you should too don’t you think.” 

“Yeah I guess I should. Focus on myself again a bit.” Steve said staring at his bowl sitting in front of him. 

“Maybe take up drawing again. The view from the roof can be quite inspiring.” Y/N said reaching over and nudging his shoulder. 

“That’s your special place!” Steve said mockingly appearing to be shocked. 

“I don’t think it’s mine anymore considering I don’t live here anymore.” Y/N said and then paused the weight of her words weighing on her. 

She had been thinking so much about Bucky and what she should do that she ignored the fact that if she did choose to be with him she would have to leave Ian and the home she finally felt comfortable in. On the other hand if she chose not to be with him she would be going back to Scotland leaving her family here once again. She wasn’t sure she could walk away from either and her chest tightened. 

“Hey are you ok? You got real pale real quick.” Steve said reaching out and squeezing her arm. 

“I ah… I just realized I have a lot more to think about than I had originally thought.” Y/N said staring past Steve at the wall behind him

“Want to talk about it?” Steve asked and she focused on him and smiled.

“I do Steve but you already have a lot on your plate, being Bucky’s support in all of this. I don’t want to put you in a position where you have to keep something from Buck. But thank you, really. I know that if I need to talk I can come to you and I hope you feel the same about me.” 

“I do. Thanks for this Y/N it’s nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what I’m going through. I have a better sense of what to do now. I’m really glad you came back here, and I’m glad we got to repair our friendship. I still feel bad about how I treated you and the things I thought about you when you were gone but I’d like to push past that now and work at becoming as close as we were before all of this. Even if you’re halfway across the world.” Steve said with a smile and Y/N nodded. 

After they had their fill of ice cream and had talked about a few more things, like Y/N’s new job and Steve’s frustration with all of his responsibilities, they cleaned up and headed back to the kitchen. When they got there Ian and Bucky were back inside, Bucky in the common room with Sam, Ian talking to Nat at the kitchen island. Y/N gave Steve a big hug and then they parted ways, him going to Bucky and her going to Ian. 

Ian smiled when he saw her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders when she got close enough. 

“There ya are. I was lookin for ya.” Ian said happily 

“Yeah me and Steve were having a chat. What’s uh… what have you been doing?” Her voice went about three octaves higher at the end as she tried to sound casual. 

“Weel I was havin a ‘chat’ with young Buck over on the ah.. fuck the ah.. Barraid?” He said the last word in Gaelic and Y/N nodded

“Terrace yes yes I know. And…” Y/N said impatiently and Ian laughed 

“We ‘ad a good gab. The lad apologized for what happened, I accepted. We talked about ya and about what happened between the two of ya. He apologized again. All in all, good gab.” 

Y/N looked up at him with frustration in her eyes. 

“That’s all you’re giving me?” 

“Weel now’s nae th’ time to gab about it yeah?” Ian said, glancing over at Bucky who wasn’t very far away from them. 

“Fine, but behind closed doors you’re telling me what he said.” 

“Aye fine lass.” Ian said giving her a squeeze. 

Pulling away from him she looked over the group and then looked back at Ian and Nat. 

“What’s the plan today? More training?” 

“Yeah that’s what we were thinking we were just waiting on…” Nat started but was interrupted by FRIDAY’s voice filling the room. 

“Director Fury has requested that both teams meet immediately in Boardroom 4A.” 

Everyone looked at each other but remained where they were. 

“Alright everyone you heard the woman, Fury needs to see us.” Y/N called and everyone stood up and headed to the elevators. 

Steve made his way over to Y/N to see if she knew anything about this but she told him she didn’t. They all piled into the boardroom where Fury was already waiting for them with Maria Hill. Once everyone was settled they all looked at Fury. Y/N had sat down between Tony and Steve, her leg bouncing, her way of relieving some of her anxiety. Tony reached over and put his hand on hers to calm her down. 

“Alright teams thanks for coming. Yesterday Agent Romanoff and Agent Y/L/N went on an intel mission.” 

Bucky was sitting across from Y/N and he looked at her and cocked his head to the side with a questioning look on his face. Y/N realized that he had no idea about her mission and mouthed the word sorry to him causing him to shake his head. She had been so mad at him for going off when his head wasn’t in the right place but she had done the exact same thing. 

“They managed to not only gather a lot of intel from the computers and documents at the safe house, they also managed to capture four Hydra agents.who were very chatty.” He stopped then and looked over at Y/N, giving her a knowing look. Nervously she squeezed Tony’s hand thinking Fury was about to lay into her for what she had done. 

“It seems that this new faction has discovered that we were onto them so they changed the date, time and location of the rally. The new date is 7:00pm tomorrow evening in New Orleans.” 

The room erupted in loud whispers. Y/N relaxed her grip on Tony’s hand and then looked over at Bucky who was looking at her. He raised his eyebrows and Y/N knew he was asking if she was ready for this. She shrugged her shoulders and he nodded his head. 

“Alright alright listen up.” Steve said standing up to get everyone’s attention. “Here’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to head down to the training facility right away and have one last session together. We have a lot to work out still and half the amount of time we thought we had.” 

Steve glanced down at Y/N who was still looking at Bucky. Realizing that everyone in the room was now looking at her she stood up, her face hardening, slipping into her role as team leader. 

“After we’re done training I want each of you to do a weapons check. Everything you need, you make sure it’s in working order and ready to go. Also if you’re bringing guns make sure you have enough ammo to last you. I don’t want to get into a situation where we’re pinned down and one of you turns to me and tells me your out of ammo. Think of this as the biggest fight of your life. Check your gear, take what you need. Space isn’t an issue so don’t leave something behind because you feel like it’s overkill. Overkill is exactly what we need right now.” 

“Exactly, thank you Y/N. Does anyone have any questions?” Steve asked the group.

“When do we leave?” Alex asked and several people nodded their heads. 

“We should be wheels up at least noon tomorrow. That will give us plenty of time to set up a base and surveil the area before making our move.” 

“We have a team on the ground now getting the layout of the new venue, you guys should have that info in the next few hours.” Fury added looking at Y/N and Steve.

“Any other questions?” Y/N asked. “Keep in mind we’ll be updating you with details on the jet tomorrow morning.

When no one answered she nodded and then looked at Steve who addressed the group. 

“Alright I want everyone in Tony’s new training facility in half an hour completely geared up. You’re dismissed.” 

Everyone stood up and made their way to the door. Y/N heard Sam tell Bucky that he loved New Orleans causing Y/N to shake her head. 

“Not a vacation Falcon.” She called out and he blushed 

“Sorry ma'am.” 

Once everyone had left it was only Steve, Y/N, Fury and Maria left in the room. 

“Here is a briefing on all the intel we now have.” Maria said handing Y/N a binder. 

“Thanks Maria. Anything else we should know?” Y/N asked flipping the binder open. 

“All the details are in there. How many people are going, who’s planning on being there. Hell they even gave us an itinerary of the evening. Like I said they were extremely talkative.” Fury said and Y/N nodded. 

“Alright thank you.” Y/N closed the book and handed to Steve. “We should get training then. We don’t have much time.” 

“Are you guys ready for this?” Fury asked and Steve and Y/N looked at each other. 

“I think we are. I know that we haven’t had as much time to work together as we thought we would end up having. However seeing what the team has done so far I am beyond impressed.” Steve said and Y/N nodded her head. 

“You agree Y/L/N?” 

“Very much so sir.” 

“Alright. I’m going to believe you guys and hope for the best.” 

Y/N and Steve turned to leave ut Fury spoke again. 

“Y/N if you could stay behind a moment.” . 

Steve gave her a concerned look but she reached over and squeezed his arm before nodding. He glanced over at Fury one last time and then left the room, Maria following closely behind him. When the door was closed, she turned and faced Fury. 

“I wanted to check in with you and make sure everything is ok with you.” He said motioning for her to sit in the chair beside him. “And before you answer, yes I do know what happened on the mission, that’s why you’re sitting here.” 

“I understand sir.” She said and then made sure she was clear with her next sentence. “I’ll admit that at the time, I wasn’t completely myself and I was wrong to not only take on that mission but also because I didn’t tell you what was happening when you specifically asked me. I’ve learned a lot about myself in these last few days and I’m working at being less of a trained spy and more open with the people around me. So my answer to your concern is that I wasn’t ok then but I am ok now. I’m ready for this mission and I have a completely clear head on my shoulders right now, I assure you.” 

Fury stared at her for what felt like an eternity and then nodded his head once.

“Alright.” He stood up and pushed his chair in. 

“Alright?” Y/N asked copying his actions. 

“Yeah alright. I trust you to make the right call and if you’re telling me that you’re good then I’ll believe you.” 

“Thank you sir.” Y/N said with a smile. 

“You better get going, you guys have a lot of ground to cover.” Fury said and then left the room. 

Y/N started heading to her room thinking about everything she wanted to do with the time she had. Her mind elsewhere, she didn’t see Bucky waiting for her at the door to her room until she practically walked into him.

“Hey Buck what are you doing? You should be getting ready.” Y/N said opening the door to her room and walking in. 

She looked around the room and figured that Ian must have already left for the arena because the room was empty. Bucky walked in behind her and closed the door.

“I wanted to talk to you while I had the chance.” He said standing in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets. “I know that we’re both not ready to talk about what we want yet, I do. And I know that our future is completely up in the air, but I didn’t want to leave on this mission without making sure that you know that I love you and that I’m sorry.” 

Y/N turned and walked over to him, placing her hand on his cheek. 

“I know Buck.” 

She reached up and placed a soft kiss on his lips and he took his hands out of his pockets and rested them on her hips. She pulled away and then opened her eyes. 

“And I love you too.” 

He gave her a small smile and then turned to leave her room. When he got to the door he turned to her. 

“Get ready, I’ll wait for you and we can go down together.” 

Once he was gone Y/N started putting on her mission suit, her mind swirling with thoughts of Bucky and the decision she had to make. Shaking her head she forced herself to focus on the upcoming mission. She had to, because if it failed she knew the consequences and they directly related to what her future would look like.


	20. Chapter 20

The two teams trained hard for the next several hours, Y/N and Steve both pushing them to their limits. Everyone was tired, sweaty and cursing Y/N and Steve’s names. They had just put Clint, Ian, Sarah, Tony and Rhodey together and doubled the bots. They managed to take out all the threats but Y/N could see how tired everyone was and suggested they call it a day and go have something to eat. Steve hesitated but when Y/N turned him to face the group and he saw them all sitting on the floor looking beat up and exhausted, he agreed. 

They made their way to the residential building no one saying anything and everyone dragging their feet. 

“Why doesn’t everyone hit the showers and we’ll order food for when you’re done?” Y/N suggested as she opened the door for the building. 

All she got for a response was non committal grunts. 

When everyone was in the lobby she turned to them before calling the elevator. 

“Listen everyone, you all did really well today. I know tomorrow’s going to be hard and I know that we’re all both nervous and excited to get the chance to finally be done with Hydra once and for all, but I need you guys to stay focused. This is an important mission and while I have all the faith in the world that this team is the best team for this job, we still need to remember that regardless of what we’ve seen so far, Hydra has always been a challenge for both of our organizations. Having said that, there isn’t anyone else in the world that can do this like we can. So let’s get some food into us, get our gear together and get a good night’s sleep.”

Everyone nodded their heads but didn’t say anything. Finally Alex spoke up from the back. 

“She’s right. Let’s show these guys why it was a bad idea to try and bring Hydra back.” 

Y/N smiled at him gratefully and the group mood picked up a bit. 

By the time everyone had showered and made it back down to the common room they were in better spirits. 

Tony had pre-arranged a BBQ for everyone complete with steaks and beer. Steve had put down the rule that everyone could only have three drinks each, making both teams groan and throw napkins at him.

Y/N was laughing as she went and sat across Clint’s lap. He was sitting on the big lounge chair in the common room and he put his hand on her leg giving it a squeeze that caused her to cry out and laugh. 

“How you doing there gorgeous?” He asked and she shrugged 

“I’m surviving. How about you?” She asked and then took a swig of beer from the bottle he was holding. 

“I’m ok. There was something I was wondering though.” He said seriously and she shifted so that she was facing him

“What’s up?” She asked, concern in her voice.

“Well, once this mission’s over, are you leaving? You said you were staying until the end of the mission and the end is coming pretty freaking fast here.” 

The thought of the mission ending made Y/N’s stomach drop. She wasn’t ready for it to be over. On this side of the mission she was in limbo and had time to think. When it was over though, she had to make her choice. 

“I’m not sure yet Clint. I do know that even if I chose to go back to Scotland it won’t be like last time. I’ll be in constant contact with you guys and would be visiting frequently.” 

“It’ll still be hard without you here. I know you’ve been focused on Bucky and making your decision based on what happens between the two of you but do me a favor. Consider staying even if things don’t work out between the two of you. He’s not the only one who cares about you and would be heartbroken to see you go.” 

He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek and she wrapped her arms around him hugging him tightly. 

“I will.” She said and then got up off his lap. 

She looked around the room and when she saw Tony she went over to talk to him. He was sipping on what looked like bourbon and was standing at the bar alone. 

“Hey there stranger.” Y/N said leaning against the bar next to him facing the group. 

“Hey yourself.” He said and leaned his arms against the bar so that he was slightly bent over. 

“How you doing?” 

She reached over the bar grabbed his not so hidden bottle of expensive bourbon and poured herself a glass.

“Hey now, I bought you peasants beer, that’s for me.” He said in a serious tone causing Y/N to laugh. 

“You don’t mind sharing with me don’t you?” Y/N fake pouted 

“Where’s Steve, I’m telling him that’s your fourth drink.” He said turning around and pretending to look for Steve. “Cap, Y/N’s over here breaking the rules” 

“Stop!” Y/N laughed and grabbed his arm. 

Tony turned to her and held out his glass and she took hers knocking it lightly against his in cheers.

“So you didn’t answer my question. How’re you doing?” She asked her face turning serious.

“I’m ok, worried about the mission but we’ll get through it. We always do.”

“That we do.” She said and took a sip of the expensive liquor from her glass. 

She closed her eyes and savored the taste before opening them and looking at Tony. 

“Good huh. I bet they don’t have that in Scotland” He said and she sighed

“I haven’t made up my mind yet Tony. And yes I know that the end of the mission means decision time but I’m just not ready yet. Here I have my family. Nat and Clint that are the only family I had for a long time, Bucky… well there’s that. The rest of the team who I’ve missed terribly and then there’s you. Someone who will take care of me even when I don’t take care of myself and is the kindest, most generous person I know. The thought of not being able to go upstairs and have a midnight coffee with you while we talk through our problems is unbearable. But I have people there too that I have to consider. If I leave them it would be the same thing I did to you guys three years ago, accept this time I’d say goodbye. It’s a hard decision to make but please know that I’m thinking of every aspect of this situation and everyone I care about.” 

“Thank you. I just… I’d worry about you if you left. And I’d miss you.” He said and then coughed and took a sip of his drink. 

“I’d miss you too Tony.” 

She reached over and squeezed his hand and he winked at her. 

“Alright, I better go make sure that chef isn’t burning my steak.” He stood up and headed out to the BBQ. “Don’t go telling people that I’m generous and kind, then everyone will know and it’ll be a thing.” 

Y/N laughed as she watched Tony walk onto the terrace. She then looked around at the group and the more she looked at each of them, the sadder she got. She felt like she everyone she talked to was either saying goodbye or giving her more to think about. Needing space to think and not wanting to face the emotions rising up in her she decided to head up to her room to read the mission package Maria had given her and Steve earlier. 

She moved through the room and found Ian who was sitting talking to Steve, Sam and Bucky. 

“Hey babe, I’m going to head up to the room, look over the mission notes.” She said looking at Ian. 

“Ok” Bucky and Ian said at the same time. 

Bucky who wasn’t looking at her when she spoke looked up his face red. Y/N smiled at him and he shrugged. 

“Sorry, force of habit.” He said with a crooked grin causing Y/N to chuckle. 

“Well anyways, like I said going up to the room. Steve is the mission binder in your room?” 

“I should go with you, we could go through it together.” Steve said and Y/N shook her head. 

“No, stay and enjoy the BBQ. I read better on my own. I’ll have Maria send over another copy of the binder and you can look through it when you’re ready. We’ll touch base in the morning, say 9?” 

Steve who was partially out of his seat sat back down. 

“Yeah alright sounds like a plan. The binder should be on the dresser when you first walk in my room. Doors open.” 

Y/N nodded at him and then leaned over kissing Ian on the top of his head. 

“Don’t stay up too late boys.” 

She headed up to Steve’s room, turning the handle he had indeed left it open. She walked in to see the room was exactly like she remembered it. Tidy, lots of books and a small record player on the shelf with records from every era piled beside it. She walked over to the dresser and grabbed the binder. It was beside a framed black and white photo of Steve and Bucky from the pre war days. She picked it up, smiling at how carefree they looked. She put the photo back down and went over to her room which was only a few doors down from Steve. She walked over to the chair in her room and sat down to read the material for the mission, while flashes of a carefree Bucky roamed through her mind. 

About an hour later Ian walked into the room looking like he could fall asleep standing. He sat down on the bed and pulled off his boots while groaning. 

“Tired?” Y/N asked and he answered with a yawn. “Why don’t you go to bed. I can go up to the roof so you can get some sleep.” Y/N suggested but Ian shook his head. 

“Na lass. We should gab.” Ian said and then smacked his hands against his cheeks lightly to wake himself up. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Y/N said putting the binder on the side table beside her. 

“What do ya think love? You, Bucky, what happens after th’ mission.” Ian patted the bed next to him and sighing she went over to him. “I could tell that ya were havin a hard time tonight.” 

“I’m so overwhelmed right now to be honest. No matter where I chose to end up I’ll be leaving people that I love.” 

“Y/N we both ken what you’re gonnae to choose. Me and Toby kent that ya would be staying here th’ second ya suggested including th’ Avengers in this mission. And it’s all right love. We always kent that ya being with us was temporary and instead of being sad about it we just enjoyed every minute we got to spend with ya. But we kent our home wasn’t your true home, Y/N this is your true home.” 

Y/N was crying and Ian moved closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders and in turn she wrapped her arms around his waist. 

“I don’t want to leave you. How am I going to survive without you?” Y/N sobbed and Ian laughed.

“It’s nae like we’re ne’er gonnae to talk or see each other. If ya don’t think I would expect ya to facetime me daily, then you’re verra wrong lass. Besides we have th’ weddin’ so we’ll see each other at the end o’ th’ year. As weel as every other holiday ya want to see each other, we will. You’re mine and Toby’s kin Y/N and ya always will be.” 

They sat there for a few minutes holding each other. 

“What if I stay and it all happens again?” She asked something that she had been thinking about a lot. 

“Y/N.” He sighed “You ken that I talked to Buck earlier. That boy loves ya lass. He has th’ same reservations that ya do but he’s also willing to do what it takes to make sure that if ya both choose to give this a go again, that th’ mistakes made in th’ past wonnae be repeated. He even arranged with that Dr Cho to see a psychiatrist. Something from what I’ve heard is quite a verra big deal. I think in order for this to work between th’ two of ya, both of ya have to forgive yourselves and each other for what happened before and move forward with a completely new slate. So the question is, can ya do that?”

Y/N thought about it for a moment and then closed her eyes. 

“I don’t know Ian. I really don’t.” 

“Weel it nae like ya have to choose now. Sleep on it and we can gab about it after th’ mission yeah?” 

Y/N sighed and then nodded her head. They got changed and crawled into bed Ian the big spoon and Y/N the little. Tears rolled down her cheeks at the thought of this possibly being the last time they got to cuddle like this. 

The next morning Y/N woke up at seven and headed down to the kitchen, mission binder in hand. She had read most of it last night but wanted to read through it again before she met with Steve. Grabbing her coffee she went over to one of the over sized arm chairs and began reading. Periodically she would highlight a section that she wanted to talk to Steve about or if there was information she wanted to share with the team. Caught up in her work she didn’t notice Nat walk in until she sat down in the chair next to her. Y/N looked over at her and smiled. One of the world’s most deadly assassins and she’s wearing bugs bunny pajamas. 

“I know you made the rounds last night but didn’t come talk to me.” Nat said, stifling a yawn. 

“It wasn’t on purpose. Everyone kept talking to me about what I’m going to do after the mission and it was making me emotional. So I went up to work, take my mind off everything for a bit.” 

“You know, the thought of this mission ending is hard for me to process. You’re home and for the first time in years I feel like my family is finally whole again. I’m terrified though because there is a real chance that you won’t choose to stay here and I think that absolutely breaks my heart. Living my life without you right next to me has made me feel like a part of me was missing and now that you’re here it’s going to be extremely difficult to let you go again. I had nothing before I had you Y/N.”

Y/N got up and went over to Nat’s chair, motioning for her to move over which Nat did. Sitting down next to her, Nat instinctively wrapped her arm around Y/N’s shoulders and Y/N leaned her head on her. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot these last few days and not just about Bucky. He wasn’t the only one that I thought about when I was gone. You were always on my mind. I would be training and do a move that made me smile and I’d wonder if you still did the same one or if you had found better moves. Or I would go on a mission and when it was over I would wonder if you would be proud of me. You were always with me Nat and no matter how much I love Ian and my team, you are my home Nat. Where you go I go.” She reached her hand over and put it in Nat’s hand. “Last night I was talking to Ian and he helped me realize what I want to do. I’m going to stay Nat. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m giving me and Bucky a second chance, it just means I’m done running and ready to come home.” 

Nat sat up in her chair almost knocking Y/N out of it. 

“Really?” She practically squealed and then her lip trembled and tears filled her eyes.

“Oh Nat you big softy, come here.” Y/N said pulling her into a hug. “Just do me a favor, don’t tell anyone I’ve made a decision yet. I want the chance to tell everyone directly myself.” 

“I can keep a secret.” Nat said her voice muffled by Y/N’s hair. 

They both chuckled and then continued hugging. It wasn’t until Steve cleared his throat behind them that they released each other.

“Sorry, didn’t want to interrupt but Y/N and I have a lot to go through before we leave in a few hours.” Steve said bashfully. 

“It’s ok, I was just leaving.” Nat said standing up and smiling at Y/N. “Gotta get my gear together and make sure I have enough bullets.” 

She turned and left the room leaving Steve looking at Y/N. 

“So are you and Nat ok?” He asked coming over and sitting in the chair Y/N had previously been sitting in. 

“Yeah, we’re good. Just talking. I feel like I’m doing that a lot lately.” 

“Well I’m sorry to have to make you talk more but I have notes.” Steve said holding up the mission binder. 

They spent the next few hours going through the mission notes and came up with a plan. Maria had sent Steve the layouts of the venue that the faction was planning to use so they had all the information that they needed. All they had to do now was get there and take out Hydra once and for all.


	21. Chapter 21

The tension in the jet was thick and no one was saying anything. Some had headphones in listening to music to get them pumped up or calmed down depending on the person. Y/N was the latter. She had a particular song that she completely loved and it calmed her down. She had a tradition of only listening to it when she was about to go on missions. Closing her eyes she focused on the words of the song not trying to place them with anything going on in her life, but just appreciating the beauty of them. She felt a tap on her shoulder and it was Steve letting her know they were close and it was time to address the group. She turned off her music, stashing her phone in her bag and then stood up beside him. The jet was crowded because both teams were in it so they stood somewhat central so everyone could hear them. 

“Alright everyone listen up.” Y/N called out, her voice surprising loud for her stature. 

When everyone was looking at them she looked at Steve to continue. 

“Thanks Y/N. Ok so here’s what we know. There will be approximately between one hundred to two hundred people there tonight. Now that doesn’t mean that there are one hundred to two hundred Hydra agents. Some maybe government officials trying to get the upper hand in their respective political parties, or the wealthy trying to buy control. Either way, be on guard and be alert. We also have the layout of the building. FRIDAY.” 

Right where Y/N and Steve were standing a hologram of the building appeared causing them to have to back up. Y/N expanded the map so they could see the location.

“So the building is the Riverview Room in the French Quarter. Which causes a huge problem because they are pretending it’s a conference. Society for the Betterment of America. That is the most asinine name I’ve ever heard.” Y/N said and the teams laughed. She looked at Steve who was shaking his head and she got serious again. “So anyways, the issue is that we can’t just go in there guns blazing. We have to be strategic and get in there and take down this threat quietly. The other issue we face with this is that this is a highly populated area, and we need to be careful of civilians. So the plan, there are three entrances we can use. We’ve managed to get the names of six guests courtesy of our four hydra captives. A few from mine and Nat’s mission and a couple more from Bucky’s mission so six of us can go in, but it has to be six that they won’t notice. We have made Id’s and have outfits arranged for the chosen ones so we can have eyes on the ground to help keep the mission calm. We want to make sure we get Marcus Pierce as he is our top priority and without him there is no new Hydra. Of the six names, two can pass off as female and the rest all male. Myself and Natasha will be going in as the females disguised so they don’t recognize us, while Ian, Alex, Malcolm, and Clint will be the males. I’ll be leading the team inside and Steve will be leading the team outside. When we give the signal from inside you will enter from these three entrance points, the exception is those of you who don’t need stairs or doors.” She glanced over at Petra, Alexa, Wanda and Vision.

“This is going to be messy, when the fighting starts make sure that you choose your targets carefully. There will be a lot of bodies and we’re hoping with this plan there will be minimal fighting.”

The teams all acknowledged the plan and they left the map up for everyone to examine. Nat went over and sat beside Y/N who had sat back down in her seat. 

“So we’re going undercover, complete with disguises? It’s not even my birthday Y/N!” she said causing Y/N to laugh

“It’s been awhile since you’ve been undercover, you think you still have what it takes?” Y/N teased 

“Я покажу тебе маленький. (I’ll show you little one)” Nat said pretending to be serious. 

Y/N laughed and nudged her with her shoulder. She glanced over at Bucky who was talking to Clint. He must have felt her eyes on him because he turned his head making eye contact with her. She smiled and nodded her head and he did the same in return. They always had a way of communicating without words and she knew they both assured each other everything was going to work out. Nat saw the exchange and then smiled. 

“A lot has changed in the last few days between the two of you.” 

“I know. I’ve had this terrible knot in my stomach for three years and even the thought of Bucky would send anxiety racing through my body. Now I look at him and I feel hopeful. Like we can repair some of the damage, whether as friends or more. It’s nice not to hate the thought of him because I love him, I truly do.” 

“Then why are you putting yourself through all this torture. You know that you’re going to choose to be with him, what are you waiting for?” Nat asked frustration laced in her voice. 

“It’s not that simple Nat and I don’t know that I’m going to choose to be with him. I have a lot of doubts and so does he. We have a lot to talk about and a lot to get through, we need to decide if we can actually do that. There is still a lot up in the air for us and we’ll make this decision together.” 

Nat sighed and Y/N shook her head. 

“Besides I thought you of all people would be anti Bucky.” 

“Well I was, and don’t get me wrong, I’m still mad as hell at him but I see the way you two look at each other and what you’re like when you’re around each other. You’re different when you’re around him, you’re actually properly happy. Your smile just isn’t on your lips anymore it’s in you eyes too. He’s different too, lighter. Like he isn’t carrying the weight of the world on shoulders when you’re around. You make him happy too and as much as I hate saying this, he seems like a better man when you’re with him. With the exception of things he said that night. That night he was a bad man.” 

Y/N smiled and then shook her head. 

“Like I said Nat, it’s a complicated situation that I still need to think about.” 

“Well don’t make the wrong choice because you’re scared. Choose what’s going to make you happy.” 

“I will, but it might not be what everyone is expecting.” Y/N sighed 

“Ok folks, we’re landing.” Steve said and Y/N was glad for her conversation with Nat to be over. “We have a house set up as our base thanks to Nat for arranging that.” Steve said nodding at Nat who waved her hand dismissively. “Not a lot of room but we’re only here for the day so it will work just fine. The six going undercover all you need will be in the master bedroom. Bucky, Sam, Alexa and Petra you four are on recon. Watch the building let us know what you see. These are the big fish. If you see them you let me know right away because that means Marcus is close.” 

A hologram of five faces showed up in the middle of the jet and the four of them studied them carefully. 

“Tony, Rhodey and Sarah you guys take roof tops and any vantage points you can think of. We don’t want any snipers surprising us. We’ll meet back here in a few hours. Vision, Wanda and myself will set up home base and surveillance. Coms in everyone that’s heading out.” 

Y/N stood up and stretched her muscles as Ian made his way over to her. 

“So love, are ya ready for this?” He asked as they made their way off the jet and into the house. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Y/N said and smiled at him. 

They made their way up to the master bedroom and there were garment bags with their names on them. Y/N grabbed hers and opened it to find a high wasted plaid pencil skirt with a white silk blouse. Beside her Nat opened her bag to reveal a grey pant suit with a black sleeveless shirt. 

“This is dull.” Nat said and Y/N rolled her eyes.

“At least you don’t have to wear nylons.” 

They looked around the room and saw two wigs, a short brown one and a long blonde one. The blonde one had Y/N’s name pinned to the mannequin head and Nat’s on the other. 

“Yeah but as the saying goes, blondes have more fun.” Nat teased.

In front of each wig was a bag full of accessories and on the floor a pair of heels for each. 

They started getting ready, knowing it would take a little bit to get into everything. By the time Y/N slipped her wig on, she was unrecognizable. The only problem was the cut that she had on above her eye was unseenly. She found a pair of scissors in one of the bathroom drawers and cut a fringe into the wig, the bangs doing a perfect job of covering her stitches. With one final look at herself she exited the bathroom. 

She was impressed with what she saw in the room. All the guys were in three piece suits and Nat looked just as unrecognizable as Y/N did. 

They all made their way downstairs where Steve, Wanda and Vision were waiting for them, having been keeping in contact with the rest of the group. 

“No actions to mention so far. Sam and Petra are having coffee in the lobby and Bucky and Alexa are across the street at a cafe. They haven’t seen any of our big players yet but that’s expected. They won’t show up until later.” 

“Me and Ian are going to the venue now to sit and have drinks. Help with recon. The rest of you come sporadically when it’s time. Keep your heads down until we’re all ready to move.” 

Y/N went over to her bag and grabbed her leather cuffs. They were inconspicuous enough that she could pass them off as a trendy bracelets. She slid a knife holster onto her thigh and then turned to Ian who was staring at her. 

“What’s up?”

“I hear your voice but ya look verra different.” Ian grumbled and Y/N laughed 

“Is it freaking you out?” Y/N asked walking over to him and kissing him on the cheek. 

“Aye it is. Let’s get goin so ya can git that wig off ya.” 

“Agreed.” 

They hailed a cab a block away from the house and entered the lobby of the building, heading to a small bar that was open. As soon as they sat down Sam’s voice was in her ear. 

“Jesus Y/N is that you?”

Y/N leaned towards Ian so it looked like she was talking to him. 

“Sure is. Do you like the wig?” 

“It’s not really you. But the skirt…now that’s a good look on you. Legs for days.” 

“I’m going to have to agree with Sam on this one. That skirt is definitely a keeper.” Bucky said and a smile played on Y/N’s lips. 

“OPEN CHANNEL” Steve barked causing Y/N to laugh. 

“Sorry Cap.” Sam said sheepishly 

“So any news?” Ian asked smiling at Y/N 

“Saw one of our top guys go upstairs about 10 minutes ago. Probably making sure everything is set up.” Sam said and Y/N casually glanced over at him across the room. 

“Well at least we know we’re in the right place.” Tony’s said 

“We have about a half an hour until people are supposed to be showing up. Remain focused please. The team here is going to start heading out to their look out points. Stay safe everyone.” Steve added and collectively every assured him they would. 

“So how are ya holdin up?” Ian asked Y/N their coms muted allowing them to have a private conversation. 

“Good actually. I mean I’m still a bit of a hot mess, but I think I’ve made one decision. Ian I’m going to move back here. I thought about everything you said last night and I know that no matter where I am, I’ll still have you and Toby. With you taking over the team and moving on with you’re amazing beautiful life I think it’s time to let the rest of the world see how far you can fly when you’re not being held back by assholes. In turn it’s time I stop running away from my family and make things whole again. You’re right, this is where I belong.” 

“Aye I’m glad to hear love and I’m happy for ya. I really am.” Ian leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Although I’ll miss ya terribly.”

Y/N felt herself getting teary eyes and picked up a napkin to subtly wipe her eyes. Ian reached over and squeezed her hand and she turned it upwards so that they were now holding hands. They were able to have a short moment before Steve’s voice was in their ears again. 

“Look alive folks, guests are arriving earlier than expected and they’ve put a registration desk. Y/N and Ian wait until you’re drinks are done and then head up, the rest will trickle in behind you. This is it folks. Good luck.” 

Y/N took a big sip of her wine and closed her eyes to steady herself. 

“Dinna fash, it’ll all work out yeah.” Ian said squeezing her shoulder. 

“I know.” Y/N forced a smile and then looked back at the elevators. “We should go up, get in there with the first groups so we look like we fit in.” 

They took the elevator up to the floor they were going to and as soon as they stepped off they were met with two big men that most definitely were security. 

“Names.” The one man said 

“Alexi Ivanov.” Y/N said and then man looked down the list he was holding. 

“ID.” He barked and she handed over the passport that had matched her undercover identity. 

The man stared at it for a few moments and then handed it back to Y/N.

“Go ahead.” He nodded towards the registration desk. 

Y/N started walking but looked back to see him grilling Ian. 

“Name.” 

“Fraser Ables” Ian said trying to dull his accent when he spoke. 

“ID” The man said after checking the list. 

Ian handed over the passport and the man looked at it for three seconds before looking up at Ian

“Where are you from?” The man asked and Y/N frowned. 

“California. Moved from Scotland when I was a small boy. Still have a slight accent, can’t seem to shake it.”

Y/N and Ian had practiced this several times and Y/N noted how good he was doing at hiding how thick his accent was. The man looked at Ian and then looked at his passport again. 

“Alright, go ahead.” The man said and Y/N sighed in relief 

When Ian joined her they went to the registration table, Y/N reaching over and cautiously squeezing his arm in encouragement. There was a short balding man at the table and Y/N walked up to him smiling. 

“We’re here for the conference.” She said confidently and winked at him. 

The man glared at her and she looked back at Ian who stepped forward. 

“Sorry, we’re just very excited. Our names are Alexi Ivanov and Fraser Ables.” 

The man softened at Ian’s voice and then looked for their registration packages. When he found them he handed them over to them but looked at Y/N suspiciously. 

“Алекси, как правило, мужское имя, не так ли? (Alexi is typically a man’s name isn’t it?)” He asked her trying to catch her off guard. 

“Отец хотел мальчика, обзавелся девушкой и решил сохранить имя. Они назвали меня Лекси, чтобы сделать его более женственным. (Father wanted a boy, had a girl and decided to keep the name. They called me Lexi to make it more feminine)

Y/N replied with a polite smile.

The man just grunted and nodded to the conference room behind him, telling them to go in. Once they were in the room, they headed to the bar, grabbed a drink and then stood towards the back of the room. 

Y/N reached up and put her hand on Ian’s shoulder causing them to look like they were having an intimate conversation. 

“Two guards when you get off the elevator, both armed. Registration guy is a chauvinistic ass so Nat just go up, tell him your name nothing more. He grilled me a bit but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Got it, entering the building now.” Nat responded 

“Everyone in place outside of the building?” Ian asked, tucking a strand of hair behind Y/N’s ear. 

“We’re all set. Just waiting on your signal.” Steve said. 

One by one guests starting filling the hall along with Alex, Malcolm, Nat and Clint. Y/N separated from Ian and began mingling through the crowd. Every person there was so anti Avengers and anti NPA that it made Y/N angry. 

“I can’t wait until we build up our ranks again and take out that pain in the ass Captain America once and for all.” One man said and the others all nodded their heads in agreement. 

“What I really want is to get my hands on the Winter Soldier again, scramble his brain and make him kill that star spangled asshole.” 

Y/N was reaching for the knife in her thigh holster when Malcolm came over to save her. 

“Alexi love, how have you been? Long time.” He said pulling her away. Once they were clear of the group he turned to her. “What were you going to do, stab him in the heart and hope no one noticed?” 

“I was actually thinking of just straight up slitting his throat.” Y/N said glaring at the man. 

“Hmmm well as tempting as that is, reign it in. We came here for a reason. I promise that you can hurt as many people as you want as soon as Marcus Pierce comes on the stage, deal?” 

Y/N plastered a fake smile on her face and then nodded her head. 

“Good girl.” He said and her jaw clenched. 

“I might hurt you if you ever say that to me again.” Y/N said through clenched teeth.

“Uh yeah she hates that.” Nat said in the coms. 

“Sorry boss. Don’t know what came over me.” He said and she huffed out her nose and turned away from him. 

She made her way over to the stage and saw that there were two more guards posted on either side that were just as big as the ones by the elevator. 

“Clint, Alex.” Y/N said into her wine glass. “There are guards on both sides of the stage. Go stand as close to them as you can and look like you’re supposed to be there. Petra, Alexa, think you can help us get rid of these guys?” 

“God yes. We’re so bored.” Petra said and Y/N glanced over at Ian who was smirking. 

“Alright on my count the girls will make these guards disappear and Clint and Alex will take their places. In 3… 2… 1.” 

In a flash Alexa and Petra appeared behind the guards, wrapped their arms around their wastes and disappeared with them. They could hear grunting and fighting in their coms and then it was silent. 

“Guards neutralized.” Alexa huffed. 

Clint and Alex, who were standing nearby took up their positions in one swift movement. Y/N glanced around to make sure no one noticed but everyone was focused on their conversations that their actions went unnoticed. 

“We’re good. Hopefully Marcus shows up soon so we can get this over with.” Y/N said, glancing at the clock on the wall. 

They had been there for an hour and everyone was getting antsy. Twenty more minutes went by before Tony announced that Marcus had entered the building. Y/N who was already at the front of the stage remained where she was while Nat, Ian and Malcolm took took positions within the crowd. 

A tall man with graying hair took the stage and announced Marcus Pierce who walked on the stage flanked by two bodyguards. The crowd all cheered like he was a rock star. Taking advantage of the noise, Y/N spoke freely. 

“It’s a go team. Target is on stage.” 

“Welcome everyone and welcome to the new Hydra!” Marcus said to the crowd who cheered again. 

Right then Alexa and Petra appeared on stage behind Marcus causing the crowd to stop cheering and gasp. Around the room the doors began opening and members of the team stood blocking the exits. 

“What the hell is going on here.” Marcus exclaimed and Y/N jumped up on the stage standing in front of him. 

“You didn’t really think that we were just going to let you guys build Hydra back up did you?” She said, a condescending smirk on her face.

“I don’t even know who you are.” He said defiantly 

“No probably not, but you know them right?” Y/N said pointing to Steve, Tony and Bucky in full uniform. 

“Listen up everyone.” Steve’s booming voice filled the hall. “We don’t want to fight here, but we will if we have to. So those of you who don’t want to fight, head to the back of the room, hands on your head. Those of you that do, well that’s up to you.” 

People started walking to the back of the room hands on their heads, scared of what would happen if they didn’t. Left behind were about thirty men and women who didn’t look at the threat in front of them with fear, instead they had rage in their eyes. It started quickly, the moment they made up their minds to fight, it threw them into action. The clash of the two groups filled the hall and Y/N looked back at Marcus, taking a step towards him. He looked at his bodyguards who went to take her on but had not seen Alexa and Petra. In a second the two men disappeared, Petra and Alexa having teleporting them to god knows where, leaving Y/N and Marcus alone.

He looked over for the guards beside the stage and saw Alex and Clint waving at him. 

“No one to save you now.” Y/N said reaching down and pulling out her knife. 

“You really think that my training was just political?” He asked slipping off his suit jacket and getting into a fighting stance. 

“Oh I was hoping it wasn’t.” Y/N said reaching down and cutting a slit up her dress so she had more mobility. She slipped off her heels and rolled her head across her shoulders. “Show me what you’ve got pretty boy.” 

He came at her hard but she was ready for him and deflected every punch, kick and attack he threw at her. His moves were sloppy but he managed to hit Y/N a few times until she had enough. She hit him square in the jaw then kicked him in the balls and he bent over, clutching his face. She took a moment to look around and see how the others were doing. 

It was mass chaos in the room. Tony, Macolm and Rhodey were keeping the people at the back of the room safe while the others fought to end the brawl quickly. 

Y/N watched as a man was heading towards an unaware Bucky with a knife in his hand. She was just about to call out to him when a leather whip wrapped around the man’s neck and he was thrown backwards. Y/N gave Sarah a nod of appreciating and the brunette just smiled and continued fighting. It didn’t take long until there were only a few fighters left and the group was dispatching of them quickly. 

Bucky was heading her way and she smiled at him. She grabbed Marcus by the hair and held him upright sliding her knife out from her cuff and holding it against his throat. 

“That was disappointing.” Y/N whispered in his ear. 

“I’m not done yet.” He growled. 

Bucky was almost standing directly in front of them when Marcus slid his hand into his pocket and suddenly there was a loud booming voice filling the hall speaking in Russian stopping Bucky in his tracks. 

Желание LONGING 

Ржавые RUSTED

Семнадцать SEVENTEEN

Рассвет DAYBREAK

“Where the hell is that coming from?” Steve shouted. 

Clint shot out one of the speakers but there were plenty more. Everyone began panicking except Y/N who kept her eyes on Bucky and he on her.

“Everyone stop.” Y/N said commanded. “Keep your eyes on the people in the back and everyone calm the hell down.” 

ПЕЧЬ FURNACE

ДЕВЯТЬ NINE

ДОБРОКАЧЕСТВЕННОЙ BENIGN

“Tony scan the room, see where it’s coming from. Everyone stay back from Bucky we don’t know…” Nat was saying but Y/N reached up and ripped out her com throwing it on the ground next to her. 

She kept looking at Bucky not with panic or fear in her eyes but with a calmness. 

ВОЗВРАЩЕНИЕ ДОМОЙ HOMECOMING

ОДИН ONE

ГРУЗОВОЙ ВАГОН FREIGHT CAR

The voice stopped and then began playing again. 

Bucky started moving again, making his way forwards towards Y/N. Tony located the recording devices and shot it causing the voice to stop. Seeing Bucky heading for Y/N simultaneously Nat, Steve and Ian started running to stop him but Y/N put her hand up. 

“Stop.” She yelled at them and did as she asked. 

In front of her Marcus started laughing. 

“Do you really think you can stop him?” He chuckled menacingly. 

Bucky jumped up on the stage and was now standing directly in front of them, a scowl on his face. He looked at Marcus and then looked at Y/N. 

“I don’t have too.” Y/N said in Marcus’s ear with a smile causing his smile to falter.

Bucky smiled at her and then turned his attention to Marcus. 

“You have no control over me little man. Not now, not ever again. Your words are as powerless now as are you. I’m free of Hydra and I’m never going to be a puppet again. You’re finished. Hydra’s dead and I get to go now and live the life you ripped from me 70 years ago. I’m done living in fear, and I’m done living a life on hold. Hydra doesn’t scare me anymore and neither do those meaningless words.” 

For the first time in a long time Bucky’s smile reached his eyes and relief washed over him. He looked at Y/N and saw her face filled with pride. 

What they didn’t see though was Marcus slide a knife out of his sleeve. 

“If I‘m going down, then I’m not going quietly.” He called out and slammed the knife back into Y/N’s thigh. 

She started to collapse behind him and inadvertently slid her knife across his throat. At the same time Bucky pulled out his gun and shot Marcus in the heart killing him instantly. 

Bucky was beside Y/N before Marcus even hit the floor. 

“Are you ok babe?” He asked looking at her leg. 

“Buck I have a knife sticking out of my leg. No, no I’m not ok.” Y/N said reaching down and putting her hand on her thigh above the knife. “I mean am I going to die? Probably not, but it still hurts like hell.”

Bucky pressed his hand into the flesh beside the knife and Y/N hissed and swatted his hand away. 

“I just said it hurts.” She said angrily. 

“Well then stop moving. I’m trying to make sure you’re not seriously injured here Y/N.” Bucky said squinting at the wound. 

“I think he thought if he stabbed me in the leg he’d hit my femoral, but he’s not even close. Stupid idiot can’t even kill someone properly.” She looked over at Pierce and sucked air through her teeth. “I think that was a little overkill. Both a slit throat and a shot to the heart?” 

“You said overkill was what we needed.” Bucky said absentmindedly as he continued examining Y/N’s leg. 

“Bucky.” Y/N said placing her finger on his chin, lifting it so he was looking at her. “I’m ok babe. Yes it hurts and yes I’m getting really sick of being the only one injured this last week, but I’ll be ok. The question is are you ok?”

He stopped for a moment and then put his hand on her cheek. 

“I’m more than ok Y/N, I’m free.” He said with a smile. 

“I know babe. I’m so happy for you.” 

She pulled him in for a hug and they held each other for a moment. When they pulled apart Sarah was sitting beside Y/N looking at her wound. 

“We should get you back to base so I can look at this properly.” She said while making a makeshift bandage that she slid over the knife, careful not to move it. 

“Don’t move you’re leg to much and don’t you dare take this knife out. I’ll do it when I’m ready.” Sarah instructed and Y/N put her hand up to her head in a mock salute. 

“There’s a car downstairs you can use it to transport her to either the home base or the hospital. It’s up to you.” Fury said walking in the room. 

“Home base is fine.”Y/N said not shocked to see him. 

Bucky carefully picked her up and even though he tried not to move her too much she still winced in pain. 

“I’m sorry.” Bucky said but she shook her head

“Is alright.” She said with her face scrunched up. 

He walked her slowly down to the car and placed her lightly in the back seat. Sarah got into the passenger seat and Bucky drove them to the safe house, getting there in record time. They set up shop in the master bedroom so that Y/N could rest there while they waited to go back to New York. 

It didn’t take long for Sarah to remove the knife and stitch Y/N’s leg. After bandaging it and giving her pain meds Sarah left Y/N and Bucky alone to go downstairs and start packing up.

Bucky sat quietly beside Y/N on the bed and she reached her hand over and squeezed his. 

“What’s up?” She asked quietly. 

“I’m sorry, I should’ve seen the knife.” Bucky said refusing to meet her eyes

“We both should’ve, don’t beat yourself up about it.” Y/N said with a shrug. 

“Yeah but I was so focused on boasting to that pissant that I wasn’t paying attention.” 

Y/N shook her head and then propped herself up so she could look at him face to face. 

“Christ Buck, this isn’t just one more thing for you to add to your list of reasons you constantly feel guilty. You have got to stop doing that. I got stabbed, so what? I get a new scar and a wicked story about how we took down Hydra once and for all. This isn’t on you, and if you can’t understand that, then we have a problem.” Y/N said seriously. 

“What sort of problem?” Bucky asked sitting up straighter. 

“I went on a mission right after you told me that you knew you were hurting me. After you left it was like something snapped inside me and I went numb. I thought it was what I needed to do to stop all the pain I had been feeling. I embraced it, relished in the freeness of not giving a shit about anything or anyone. So away I went on this mission not letting anything penetrate this new shield I had around my heart. I killed without regret or sensitivity to the fact that I just ended a life. When we got upstairs I ended up killing two unarmed men with their hands tied behind their backs and maimed a young man’s face but then acted like it was no big deal. It was a big deal though obviously and after Clint and Nat pulled me out of my darkness, I felt immense guilt for what I did. I’ve always kept the weight of every person I’ve killed with me but I don’t let the guilt stay with me, because if I did it would eat me alive. I turn my guilt into a tool to do better next time, and to keep those I’ve hurt in mind when I go on my next mission. We’re very similar in that we were brutally trained to kill but every kill we have on our conscience when we were doing their bidding isn’t on us, it’s on them. You’ve punished yourself enough for that time it’s time to let it go? However if you can’t move forward and if you just keep piling on guilt while not understanding how it’s not always your fault, how are we going to get past what happened between us three years ago?” 

“Y/N I’ve always had some sort of guilt following me everywhere I go. I don’t know how to live without it, but it’s something I carry with me silently.”  
“You don’t though! It leaks out of you, whether you mean for it to or not.” Y/N was sitting up completely now and had her arms crossed across her chest. “You literally just said a huge speech about how you’re a free man now and how you want to live the life that was taken from you. Add to that your speech when you were on mission the other day where you said you were ready to move forward. How are you going to do that when you’re constantly living in the past and taking blame for everything that happens around you? If you want to move forward you have to learn that not everything is on you. Especially if you want to move forward with me.” 

“That’s it though, I do want to move forward with you. I’ve thought about so much and I know that I can’t lose you again, I just can’t. I love you and my life wouldn’t be complete without you by my side. ” 

“Then you have to find a way to live that life you’ve been talking so passionately about because if you can’t I can’t be with you. Everything will just repeat and I can’t do that again.”

“It won’t Y/N. I promise you it won’t.” 

Y/N felt the pain meds kick in and knew that she was going to be out any minute. 

“Listen Buck, I love you, but we both need more time to think about our future and what we’re willing to do.” Her eyes closed and she forced them open again.”Maybe the answer is that we say goodbye to each other, get some closure and move on with our lives. That night I had a panic attack you said that you always think about when I told you to remember what you’re fighting for. It’s time to decide now how hard you’re going to fight. ” 

Seeing her struggling to stay upright he sighed and then smiled at her. 

“Rest babe. We’ll work this out later.” Bucky said standing up and easing her back onto the pillows. 

She was out in seconds and he kissed the top of her head.


	22. Chapter 22

It took two days to get all the paperwork processed and the members of New Hydra to be dealt with. After turning them over to the government Y/N and Steve had a million reports that they had to fill out and hand in to their directors. The rest of the teams all had to fill out statements as well but they were short and took them only a couple of hours to do. Y/N had to write most of her reports from her bed while her leg was propped up on pillows. 

She was beyond frustrated with piles of papers around her when Ian walked into the room with a large box. 

“I thought ye were done lass?” Ian questioned placing the box down on the dresser. 

“Yeah well Cooper asked for a review of Malcolm’s statement. Apparently they are not satisfied with the expression ‘knocked his ass out’. They want me to review the rest of his statement and amend it as needed.” 

Ian laughed and then went over to her, taking the papers out of her hands and moving them off the bed. 

“Alright love, time for a break. I have two surprises for ya.” 

“Well I do love surprises.” Y/N said grinning 

“Ok then, so let’s start with the first surprise. You know how Tony’s throwing that massive gaithering tonight to celebrate the end of Hydra and in part as a goodbye party for us?” Ian asked with a suspicious grin on his face. 

“Of course go on.” 

“Well I seem to remember us making a wager when I first got here.” Ian said raising his eyebrows. 

“What wager? What are you… oh shit.” Y/N said suddenly remember the bet they made the night Ian got there. “You and Cap are friends now so I have to wear the Wonder Woman costume to the party. Son of a bitch.” 

Ian started laughing loudly as he looked at Y/N pouting. 

“That’s right love. However I’m feeling a bit generous so I got you this.” 

Ian got up and grabbed the box off the dresser and handed it to Y/N. She eyed his suspiciously and then opened the box. 

Inside was a gorgeous dark blue gown with a plunging back, similar to the one that Gal Gadot wore in the movie, except darker in color. 

“Ian it’s gorgeous!” She said running her fingers over the material. 

“And these.” Ian said handing her a gift bag. 

She opened it and inside were three boxes. Each box held a piece of gold jewelry. A stunning necklace, two gold cuffs for her wrists and a pair of gold earrings. 

“And these.” Ian said holding out a pair of red heels. 

“Seriously this is all too much! Why are you spoiling me like this?” Y/N asked shaking her head, her eyes filled with tears. 

“It’s the last chance I’m going to get to spoil my wife.” Ian said simply and Y/N let the tears fall freely. 

“Ian, I…” Y/N sobbed but couldn’t get the words out so she just motioned for him to come and hug her. 

He held on to her while she sobbed and even had to brush a few of his own tears away. 

“This isn’t goodbye.” Y/N kept saying and Ian would nod every time she said it. 

After a few moments they pulled away and looked at each other fondly. 

“I still have the other surprise for you.” Ian said and Y/N shook her head. 

“No Ian, this is already too much.” 

“Nah love, this surprise was for both of us.” He said getting up, walking to the door and opened it. 

Out of nowhere a fat little pug came bouncing in the room. 

“Rollie!” Y/N called out as the pup ran towards the bed and put his paws up for her to pick him up which she did. 

Y/N started smushing her face into the pug as it licked her in excitement. She glanced up at Ian to ask how when she saw Toby walk into the room. 

He was just as tall as Ian was and had dirty blond wavy hair that was slightly longer than Ian’s. He was a gorgeous British man and his smile was contagious.

“Toby! What are you doing here?” Y/N asked tears flowing again.

She moved to get up to hug him but he rushed over to her and crawled in bed beside her, wrapping his arms around her. 

“Did you really think I wasn’t going to come and celebrate your big victory?” Toby asked and Y/N started weeping. “Oh love come on now, this is a happy time, not a sad time.” 

His thick English accent made his words sound smooth and Y/N looked over at him, glad he came. 

“I know, I do. But all I keep thinking about is how much I’m going to miss you both.” 

“We’ll miss you too love. But this isn’t goodbye. You can’t get rid of us that easy.” Toby said pulling her head towards his shoulder. 

Ian came over and sat on the bed beside her so that she was in the middle of the two of them. He reached over and took her hand holding it in his. In her lap Rollie started to yelp and jump around. 

“God I’m going to miss this. Both of you have been by my side for so long that I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like without you.” Y/N said putting her hand on Rollie to calm him down. 

“Aye we feel the same love.” Ian said and gave her hand a squeeze. “But ye have great things waiting for ye here.” 

She smiled and nodded her head. A knock at the door made them all look at it and Y/N told whoever it was to come in. Nat opened the door and when she saw the three of them having a moment she blushed. Nat’s hair and makeup were already done for the party and she had a garment bag slung over her shoulder. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” Nat said turning to leave

“Nat, get in here and meet Toby.” Y/N said and Toby let go of Y/N and looked over at Nat.

“So you’re Nat. I’ve heard so much about you.” Toby said getting up and walking over to her.

Instead of shaking her hand, which what Nat was preparing for, he gave her a big hug. 

“No love we’re all Y/N’s family so that makes us family now too.” 

She smiled and awkwardly wrapped one of her arms around Toby. 

“Yeah, she’s not much of a hugger.” Y/N said with a smirk on her face.

“That’s fine, she’ll get used to us.” Toby said pulling away and holding her out to look her over. “You’re gorgeous.” 

“Toby stop flirting with her will ya.” Ian said from the bed causing Y/N to laugh. 

“Fine fine. You know who I really want to see? This Bucky character. Where’s he at?” Toby said looking over at Y/N whose stomach dropped at the mention of Bucky’s name.

“Not sure, I haven’t seen him since we got back.” Y/N looking to Nat for any further information. 

“He’s been pretty scarce around here these last two days. I just saw him in Tony’s lab about an hour ago though so if you want you could maybe find him there.”

“Him and Tony are alone and in the same room? Was there a lot of screaming or…” 

“No they were just talking, seemed fine to me.” Nat said shrugging her shoulders. 

“We shouldn’t bother them then.” Y/N said and Toby frowned. 

“I’ll see him at the party right?” Toby asked

“You should yeah.” 

Y/N finally set Rollie down who had been going crazy in her arms since Nat walked in. 

“What’s that?” Nat pointed to Rollie as he ran over to her. 

“That is our new pup Rollie. Say hi to Rollie Nat, you don’t want him to feel unwanted here do you?” Y/N asked pretending to be serious. 

Nat leaned down and pat Rollie on the head before standing up and looking at Y/N. 

“Happy?” 

“Extremely.” Y/N said with a smile. 

“So I came to help you get ready for tonight. Ian told me he got you a dress but figured you’d need showering, make up, hair, you know the whole thing. So here I am.” Nat finished lamely. 

“Thanks Nat. Ian and I have a room upstairs that we’re going to take over so you have the place to yourselves.” Toby said and then went over and kissed Y/N on the top of her head. “See you soon Wonder Woman.” 

Y/N laughed and then Ian brought her hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. 

“See ye soon love.” 

After they had gone, Nat helped Y/N to the bathroom and got her into the shower. Y/N was able to shower on her own so Nat waited in the bedroom and touched up her own makeup a bit. Rollie came up to Nat and started pawing at her leg for attention. 

“You’re a fat dog.” Nat said and the puppy looked up at her with sad eyes. “Ugh Y/N and her damn strays.” 

She leaned over and picked Rollie up and held him up so they were face to face. 

“Now you listen here dog, as long as you don’t piss on my shoes or chew any of my clothes we’ll be just fine. Got it?” 

Rollie started squirming in her hands and a smile spread across Nat’s face. 

“I knew you liked him.” Y/N said from the bathroom door. 

Nat instantly set Rollie down turning her smile into a scowl. 

“Do not.” Nat said but glanced down at the pup one more time. 

Y/N limped over to the bed and tried lowering herself slowly down but ended up falling hard. She huffed and pursed her lips in frustration. 

“I really wish I was able to stand on my own tonight. It’s really going to bring my outfit down, pairing it with crutches.” 

Nat laughed and shook her head. 

“You’re going to be beautiful no matter what.” 

“Yeah well this is all very reminiscent of the last one of Stark’s galas I went to.” Y/N said with a sigh. 

“It won’t be like last time. You and Bucky are in a very different place this time. Plus Clint and I are going to take turns camping outside your door tonight to prevent you from disappearing on us again.” Nat said smirking

“Very funny Nat. As for Bucky though I have no clue where we stand. We talked right after the mission but I told him that he needs to be ready to move forward with his life if he wants us to be together. And to do that he has to learn to deal with his guilt and let it go. After that I haven’t seen him.” 

“You’ll see him tonight, maybe he has a reason for being absent lately.” Nat said walking over to Y/N with a hairbrush in her hand. 

“Yeah I change my mind, this is exactly like last time.” Y/N said and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“You’re being silly. Let’s focus on getting you ready.” Nat said and started brushing Y/N’s hair. 

After doing Y/N’s hair and makeup they both worked to get her into her dress, only making Y/N stand when it was over her head and bunched at her waist. Reluctantly Y/N grabbed her crutches and made her way over to the mirror on her closet door. She looked herself over and was impressed at how well it fit. For the first time since Nat had got there Y/N smiled as she looked herself over. 

“See that’s my beautiful girl.” Nat said stepping behind Y/N

“Ian did a good job with this dress.” Y/N said and then began to feel tears fill her eyes. “Shit I better get it together or I’m going to ruin my makeup.” 

“Here.” Nat said handing her a kleenex. “And don’t worry, I knew you’d be a mess so I used waterproof everything.” 

Y/N smiled at her and then turned around pointing at the small bag with her jewelry. 

“Let’s finish up here and get down to the party before I change my mind and decide to cry in bed all night.” 

When they both had completed their outfits with their jewelry and shoes, they left Y/N’s room and slowly made their way to the common room. Tony was there sipping on some scotch alone. 

“Hey there handsome, why aren’t you at the party?” Y/N asked sitting next to him on the couch, leaning her crutches against the ottoman. 

“Want to make a grand entrance. Can’t do that if I’m not the last one at the party now can I?” Tony said and Y/N laughed. 

“I’m going to get Wanda and then come back and get you so we can all go to the party together.” Nat said and Y/N nodded. 

“I’ll take Y/N down with me in a minute if you don’t mind. I want to talk to her before she goes down there. If that’s alright with you?” He asked looking at Y/N

“What about your grand entrance?” Y/N asked with a smile 

“Well walking in with you would be the grandest entrance of all.” Tony said causing Y/N to blush.

Nat smiled and then left the room leaving Y/N and Tony to speak. Y/N shifted her body so she could face Tony and he did the same.

“So I just wanted to talk to you because I haven’t had a chance to since the mission. How are you doing?” Tony asked seeming almost nervous.

“I’m fine Tony what’s going on?”

“I was just wondering if you’ve made a decision yet.” 

“I have actually. Well about one thing at least. I’m staying. If that’s ok with you?” 

Tony looked at her trying to hide his smile.

“Well I’ll have to clear it with Pepper first. Make sure we increase the amount of Oreos we have by almost double but we should be able to make it work.” 

Y/N laughed and looked at Tony fondly 

“Let me know what Pepper says then. I’ll be anxiously awaiting approval.” 

Tony smiled at her but didn’t make a move to leave. 

“Anything else on your mind?” Y/N asked concern etched in her eyebrows.

Tony sighed and took a sip of his drink.

“The tin man came and talked to me earlier.” 

“Tony.” Y/N scolded and he looked at her apologetically. 

“Barnes came and talked to me today.” 

“Better. I heard that you guys were talking. Is everything ok?” She asked 

She knew that they had a rough time speaking to each other since Tony found out what actually happened to his parents all those years ago. 

“He apologized. Said he was working through some things and is trying to come to terms with all the things he’s done. I know it wasn’t easy for him to come to me so I appreciated it but I’m still not ready to let go of what happened. Not yet anyways. I’m glad that he’s making steps to get better though. For you of course.” 

“Tony I’m sorry, that must have been an extremely hard conversation for both of you. I’m proud of you for listening to what he had to say. I think it will help you deal with the tragedy as well.” 

“Yeah well we’ll see. For now at least I can stand to be in the same room as him. Which is a bonus because I assume that if I want to see you I’ll have to see him too.” Tony said raising his right eyebrow. 

“I don’t know yet Tony. I haven’t spoken to Bucky about it and I’m not sure which side of this we’re going to land on. I have a lot of concerns but I’m glad to hear that he’s dealing with some of the issues he’s been running from for a long time.” Y/N pulled at the hem of her dress nervously. “I’m actually really nervous about tonight because I don’t know where me and Bucky stand and the last time I felt like this was the night I left.” 

“If Barnes does anything to hurt you in any way I’m throwing him out. This time he can leave.” 

Y/N shook her head and took Tony’s hand in hers. 

“Tony, whatever happens will be civil and the decision will be made together. No need for anyone to be thrown out.” 

“Alright fine. Just don’t pull another Houdini on us kiddo. Don’t think the team could handle that again.” 

“Never. I promise I’ll never hurt the team like that again.” Y/N said and then leaned over and kissed Tony on the cheek. 

“Ok ok, let’s get ourselves down to this party before those heathens drink all the good liquor.” 

Tony stood up and held out his hand to help Y/N. Slowly they made their way to the party and when they walked in Tony had arranged for the music to stop and Iron Man to begin blaring throughout the room. Y/N stopped at the door to let Tony have his big entrance and laughed at his ridiculous over the top behavior. She slid over to the bar unnoticed and sat down on one of the stools, propping her crutches up against the bar beside her. 

“Can I grab a glass of house red please” She ordered from the bartender and he handed her glass filled with red wine. 

She turned her attention to the party going in in front of her and smiled. It seemed like anyone who ever had anything to do with battling Hydra was there. Everyone was smiling and look genuinely happy. This was a huge victory for a lot of people. 

As Y/N sat there sipping her wine she noticed Alex and Sarah talking closely in the corner. They were smiling at each other and Y/N though it was cute how close they had become. Then Alex leaned in a kissed Sarah deeply and Y/N could tell this wasn’t their first kiss. She laughed realizing that her and Ian weren’t the only ones with a secret. When Alex pulled away he glanced over at Y/N who held her glass up in a silent salute. Blushing he leaned in and whispered something to Sarah causing her to turn around and look over at her too. Now both of them were blushing as they made their way over. When they got to her, Y/N smiled at them both happily. 

“So we have something to tell you.” Alex said with a bashful smile. 

“I can see that. So how long have you two been together?” Y/N asked with her eyebrows raised.

“About a year and a half.” Sarah said blushing even harder.

“A year and a half?!” Y/N exclaimed looking at them both confused. “Why didn’t you guys tell us?”

“Well you and Ian had a lot going on so we didn’t want to put more on your plate.” Alex said with a shrug.

“You guys could’ve told us. I’m sorry we were so involved with our own stuff that we didn’t pay attention to what was going on around us. We were pretty selfish in that way.” Y/N said sadly

“Don’t be sorry, it was actually a little fun keeping it a secret.” Alex said and then winked at Sarah.

“Well I’m so happy for you guys. Really I am! Go, dance, have fun.” Y/N encouraged and they smiled at her before heading to the dance floor. 

Y/N was taking a sip of wine when Steve came up and sat beside her.

“You look amazing Y/N.” He said with a bright smile. 

“You do too Steve.” 

Steve was wearing a dark blue suit with a white shirt and no tie.

“Not a bad turn out.” Steve said motioning to the crowd. 

“Hydra did a lot of damage over the years and now that they’re gone, everyone can finally relax. It’s good to see everyone let go a little bit.” Y/N said taking another sip of her wine. 

“Hey you wanna go out on the terrace to get some air. I’m feeling a little claustrophobic in here.” Steve asked and Y/N nodded.

“Yeah some air would be nice.” 

Steve helped her stand up and waited for her as she maneuvered herself the crowd on her crutches. When they got outside, she breathed a sigh of relief. Steve went over a grabbed her one of the tall stools that were by the railing so she could sit. 

“Hey Steve, do you know where Bucky is? I haven’t seen him since we got back and I’m getting a little worried.” 

“I don’t uh.. know. He should be here somewhere.” Steve began looking around as if he was expecting him to appear out of thin air. 

“I just thought I would ask. If you see him let him know I would like to talk to him.” 

Steve started rocking nervously on the balls of his feet in front of Y/N and she lifted her eyebrows at him in amusement. 

“Something wrong there Steve?” She asked concerned. 

Steve looked at her and shook his head no enthusiastically. 

“No no, just enjoying the air.” 

In response she hummed and nodded her head. 

After about 30 seconds Steve shouted the word “wine” scaring the hell out of Y/N. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” 

“You need some wine! I’ll go get you some.” He said seemingly overly pleased with himself. 

“You do that.” Y/N said getting annoyed with his weird behavior. “While you’re in there maybe grab yourself a drink, or maybe five.”

“Right will do.” Steve said leaving the balcony as fast as he could. 

“Jesus he’s weird now, post mission.” Y/N grumbled to herself 

Now that she was alone and everyone wasn’t around to stop her she got up and gently put her leg down, testing how much weight she could put in it. When she saw that she could at least limp a little bit she made her way over to the railing and looked out over the lake. It was almost sunset and she smiled and closed her eyes as she felt the last of the days warmth on her face. 

“Now that’s something I could look at all day.” Bucky said from beside her and she turned to him, her smile widening. 

“Hey stranger I haven’t seen you for awhile. I was starting to get a bit worried.” 

“I know I’m sorry. I’ve been working through some things.” He said and looked over at the sunset. 

He walked behind her and put his arms around her so they could both watch the sound go down together. Y/N smiled at the memory of the last time they did this. Bucky nudged her hair away from her cheek with his nose and then placed a light kiss on the bottom of her jaw just under her ear. Y/N hummed at the action and reached her hand up and placed it on the back of his head. 

“I love you.” He whispered in her ear. “I have loved you since the first moment I laid my eyes on you and I won’t ever stop loving you.”

She turned around so she could look at him, his arms remaining wrapped around her waist. The dying sunlight made his eyes shine that much brighter and Y/N lost herself in them. 

“I love you too Buck. No matter what happens next, I hope you always know that.” 

He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers and she pushed forward sealing the kiss. They both poured everything they had into the kiss, knowing that it could be their last. Every unsaid word between them, all the feelings that they never shared was spoken into the kiss. When they eventually pulled away Bucky smiled and pressed his forehead against her. 

“I have some things I have to say to you.” 

She nodded her head and he pulled away from her, the coolness of the night biting at her skin now without him there to protect her. He walked over and grabbed the stool she had been sitting on earlier and brought it over to her. Gratefully she sat down, taking the weight off her injured leg. 

“I thought a lot about what you said to me at the safe house after the mission and you were right. There is no way I can be with you if I don’t learn to move forward. If I keep looking back on all the things I’ve done, and if I keep carrying guilt with me it will affect those around me and it would lead to those I love getting hurt.” 

“Bucky…”

Y/N felt her body tense and a sickness in her stomach at his words. She knew there was a possibility that they wouldn’t end up together, hell it was something she told everyone who she spoke to. But in the back of her mind she had to admit she really thought they would give this another go. However, if this is what Bucky needed, she would accept that.

“Just let me get this out.” Bucky said softly and she bit her top lip and nodded her head. “I kept thinking about what you said over and over again. So as soon as we got back from the mission, I went to the med center and Helen introduced me to this guy named Adam. He’s a therapist and he specializes in PTSD and guilt recovery. We’ve been together for the last few days non stop working on some basic tools that I can use. One of the big things is that in order to accept what I’ve done I have to apologize to the people around me that I’ve hurt. I spent the entire day today talking to pretty much everyone, including Toby and Ian, apologizing for what I did to them. The hardest was Tony, because my actions cost him more than anyone else. It was a tough conversation and I knew going in that he wouldn’t just forgive me and we would move on but it was a good start on our road to recovery.” 

Y/N smiled and reached over, taking his hand in hers. 

“I’m really proud of you Buck.” 

He looked at her and smiled. He then took a deep breath and continued. 

“I know I’ve said it before but I still want to apologize to you too. Everything that happened, everything we’ve been through, it wasn’t fair to either of us and it’s one of the biggest things I have to deal with. I’m promising you here and now that I will always be honest with you, even if it’s not an easy truth. Working through everything is going to be an extremely hard journey but it’s one I have to take. The thing is though that I don’t want to take it alone. I want you there by my side. I want to work through this with you, not away from you. I know you said that we couldn’t be together unless I learned to deal with all of this but I have a different proposal. Let me work through this with you. Let’s both work through everything that has held us back and let’s do it as a team. We’re better together Y/N, you know it and I know it.”

Bucky turned around and grabbed a package off the table. He handed it to Y/N who tore off the tissue paper encasing it. Inside was a beautiful ornate wooden box with both their names carved into the top. 

“What do you say we take this and fill it with new memories? Let’s move forward together and fill this box with love. We’ll start with this.”

He reached behind him and handed her a single daisy and smiled.

“This is when I asked you to stay and give us a second chance.” 

Tears were streaming down Y/N’s face as she looked up at him. 

“I promise to always be truthful with you too. Yes I’ll stay. I’ll stay and work through all our issues together becoming the people we are without all this weight. I’ll stay and give us a second chance.”


	23. EPILOGUE

6 MONTHS LATER

Y/N fiddled with the collar of her dress as she looked in the mirror. It was a short sleeve black dress that reached just above her knees. There was white trim on the collar, sleeves and hem of the dress with the skirt of the dress flaring out slightly. 

Her hair was pulled into a loose low bun and her makeup was subtle. She looked amazing however she was also extremely nervous. 

Bucky, who was sitting on the bed playing with Rollie, watched her fiddle with the collar again and smiled. Walking up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist he smiled at her in the mirror. 

“You look amazing. Honestly babe you look perfect.” He said and she turned around to face him. 

He was in a black suit with a dark grey shirt and a black tie. Y/N looked him over and a smile crept across her lips. His hair was short now, a choice he made as part of moving forward away from Hydra. Even though Y/N had loved his long hair, she absolutely loved the way he looked now. It was like he was a whole new man both inside and out. 

“I’m just so nervous. What if I say the wrong thing or if I say the wrong name? What if Rollie decides to pee on one of the flower arrangements? The whole wedding will be ruined.” She seemed on the verge of becoming frantic. 

“Do you really think you’re going to do any of that? Come on babe. We’ve practiced this a million times. You’ve got this.” He said running his hands up and down her arms. 

“Holding practice weddings with you and Steve playing the grooms while Nat and Sam laugh their heads off is not the same as performing the ceremony for Ian and Toby in front of all of our friends and family.”

“Well if you can handle Nat and Sam’s heckling you can handle anything. Look at it this way, at least the ceremony is somewhere comfortable right.” Bucky said and she nodded 

“Yeah I guess. It was really nice of Tony to suggest they get married here. The hall looks amazing.” Y/N said smiling. 

During the after party six months ago, Tony ended up sitting down and offering up the Avengers facility for Ian and Toby’s wedding. He even offered to fly in any guests for them on his jet. He said it was a thank you for all they did for Y/N and they ended up taking him up on it. 

“I promise, you’ll do an amazing job and Rollie will be a perfect little ring bearer..” Bucky said motioning to Rollie sitting on the bed in a tiny puppy tux. He then placed a light kiss on Y/N’s lips. “And anytime you feel nervous just find my face in the crowd and I’ll make you feel better.” 

“Thanks babe. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Y/N said pulling him back into the kiss. 

“We better get going or you’re going to be late.” Bucky said pulling back slightly but not pulling away completely. 

“Ok two more minutes though.” She said deepening the kiss. 

When they finally made it to the hall they were there with only 10 minutes to spare and Ian was sitting in the lobby tapping his foot. Bucky went into the hall while Y/N, holding Rollie, went over to Ian, Malcolm and Alex. She couldn’t help but stare at Ian in awe. 

He looked amazing in his full highland wedding outfit complete with a waistcoat, kilt, and a lucky piece of heather on his lapel. He was something to see and she couldn’t be more proud of him. 

“Where’ve ya been lass. I was startin to get worried about ya.” He said annoyed and Y/N blushed. 

“I’m sorry. I was a bit nervous. Bucky was talking me down off my ledge.” Y/N said apologetically. 

“Aye it’s fine. We still got time. How are ya doing? Are ye still nervous?” Ian asked stepping from foot to foot while wildly looking around the lobby. 

“I’m fine Ian. How are you doing? I’ve never seen you this nervous before.” 

“Aye I’m nervous as hell.” Ian admitted looking at her with fear in his eyes. 

“Ian.” Y/N said placing her hand on his shoulder so he would look down at her. “You look amazing. The hall is amazing. Toby loves you and you love him. This is what you’ve wanted for your whole life. Everything is going to be perfect I promise.” 

Ian’s face softened and he took a deep breath. 

“You’re right love. I’m so glad you’re here, I was drivin myself mad.” 

“I can tell. Alright I’m going to head up to the front. Here Alex, take Rollie, Malcom help Ian find Toby and then find your seat. Ian relax and I’ll see you at the end of the aisle. I love you.” She said getting on her tiptoes and placing a kiss on his cheek. 

“I love ye too.” 

Y/N made her way into the hall and took up her spot at the front of the room. Behind her were floor to ceiling windows that showed the snow covered grounds as well as the fresh snow falling from the sky. The room was decorated in white with tartan accents and Y/N made a mental note to give Tony a huge hug after the ceremony. 

The bagpipes started and the first two down the aisle were Alex and Rollie. Around the room Y/N heard people whisper about how cute Rollie was and she beamed like a proud momma. After Rollie and Alex took their seats, Ian and Toby made their way down the aisle together. They had decided that because this was their wedding, they were going to things the way they wanted to and every other tradition be damned. Y/N watched them both smiling at each other and her heart filled with happiness. 

She wiped a tear off her cheek as she smiled at them, admiring their love for each other. When they got to the front and were standing in front of Y/N they both leaned over and kissed her on the cheek one after the other. Y/N opened her mouth to start but then panic ran through her body and she forgot everything that she had planned to say. She closed her mouth and looked frantically through the crowd for Bucky. When she spotted him he was seated next to Steve about ten rows deep. He smiled at her when her eyes landed on his and then both him and Steve made a funny face, causing her to almost start laughing. Bucky then pointed to her hand and mouthed the words “Your notes babe.” She looked down, having forgotten that she had brought notes up with her to stay on point. She smiled at him and nodded, taking a deep breath before she began. 

“Hello everyone. We’re here to celebrate the amazing love between Ian and Toby. I have known and loved them both for over three years now and I can tell you that there are no two people out there that deserve happiness like these two. They are kind, caring, compassionate and loving and I feel honored to not only know them but to also be the one to officiate their beautiful wedding. The first time I saw Ian and Toby together I knew that was what love looked like. They look at each other with unconditional love in their eyes and when one of them talks it’s like there is no one else in the room for the other. I know a lot of you haven’t had a chance to see them interacting together as a couple as they just recently announced their relationship but trust me when I say it’s the most amazing thing to see. Where Ian is rough, Toby is tender. Where Toby is neurotic Ian is chaotic. They are two halves of a whole and I’m so glad they found each other. They decided to write their own vows so I’m going to turn it over to Ian first and then Toby will follow.” 

She reached over to the platform beside her and took out the piece of cloth laying on it. She gently wrapped it around their clasped hands, binding them together in the handfast ceremony. Ian smiled at her and then turned to Toby, giving it a light squeeze. 

“Toby, I remember the first time I saw ye, we were at that pub in Bristol and ye were screaming at a football match on TV. Ye were sittin with some pals and I was drawn to ye as soon as I saw ye. I kent in tha’ moment I was done for because the second I looked at ye I kent that I wanted to be with ye. I’d never felt that for anyone else before in my life. Ye’ve put up with a lot these last ten years and have bin so patient and supportive. Ye never doubted my love for ye and never made me doubt yours. Ye were never petty or jealous, ye were always kind and thoughtful and I always kent that no matter what, I would always have yer love waitin’ for me when I got home. I love you with all I have to give and I can’t promise ye that it’ll be an easy road but I can promise ye that weel always face whatever life throws at us, together. So I promise ye here and now, that I will always choose ye. That I’ll support ye in everythin’ ye do. I will never go to bed angry and I’ll tell ye how much I love ye every single day for the rest of our lives. Yer my soulmate and I will love ye unconditionally for all o’ time.”

Toby smiled at Ian through happy tears and then leaned over and kissed him gently. Throughout the venue you could hear people sniffling, being touched by what Ian just said. Y/N looked over at Toby and he nodded at her. 

“Well, I’m supposed to be the romantic one but that was amazing Ian. I don’t know how I’m going to follow that though.” Toby said causing everyone to chuckle. “Ian, my beautiful Scottish hero, I love you. I always have and I always will. I remember the day we met too. I saw you walk into that pub and I remember thinking you were the most brilliantly gorgeous man I’d ever seen. And when you came over and talked to me I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Today I give you my heart, may it be a place of sanctuary for you when the world becomes too much. I promise to love you unconditionally until the end of our days and then for eternity after. I promise that I will always talk to you, even when you’re being stubborn and to always be there when you need me. I know that this journey has been hard at times and like you said, we can’t assure each other the road won’t be bumpy but I can assure you that our love will always guide us through our hard times. I promise above all else to live in truth with you, and to be true to who we are. I love you Ian, forever.” 

Again the room was filled with emotions and Y/N had to take the Kleenex out of her pocket to wipe away her tears. They both looked at her, eager for the next part. 

“Do you, Ian Fraser take Toby Cole to be your husband, in sickness and in health until death do you part?” 

“I do.” Ian beamed

“Do you, Toby Cole take Ian Fraser to be your husband, in sickness and in health until death do you part?” 

“I do!” Toby exclaimed. 

Y/N unwrapped their hands and then turned to Alex who was sitting in the front row with Rollie.

“The rings please.”

He got up and handed Ian and Toby each a velvet box. Ian opened his and placed the band on Toby’s finger and Toby did the same to Ian. 

“By the power invested in me and the state of New York I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss now.” Y/N said while smiling at them. 

Ian and Toby sealed the ceremony with a kiss and everyone clapped and cheered. The bagpipes started playing again as they made their way back down the aisle, now officially married. Y/N waited for everyone to clear out behind them before heading into the lobby for drinks and congratulations while the crew set up the hall for the party. Bucky had waited for her and was standing beside his row with a smile on his face. 

“You did great babe.” He said giving her a quick kiss and then offering his arm for her to take. 

“Thank you for keeping me calm and putting up with me this last month.” She said and linked her arm in his and they walked out to the lobby.

“It was my pleasure. Speaking of, do those practice ceremony’s count as a real wedding? Because me and Steve would like to plan a spring honeymoon in Paris if we’re married.” He teased and Y/N laughed. 

“They aren’t but if you would like we can marry you two right here and now.” She said nudging his side with her elbow. 

“Let’s do it. Where’s Steve?” He said pretending to look around the room. 

The party was just as beautiful as the ceremony and Ian and Toby couldn’t stop smiling. Y/N was so happy for them as she watched them dance their first dance as a married couple and she wrapped her arms around her waist trying to contain the joy she felt. After a few more songs where everyone was jumping around to the fast paced music a slow song came on and Bucky took Y/N’s hand leading her onto the dance floor. They danced in silence for a little bit before Y/N leaned back and looked up at him. 

“This really was a beautiful wedding. I’m so happy for both of them I might burst.” 

“I agree. Everything was perfect tonight, I’m glad too because they are great guys that deserve all of this.” 

Y/N hummed in agreement and then placed her head on Bucky’s chest. 

“Do you ever think about it?” He asked and she pulled back again to look at him.

“What getting married?” She asked and he nodded his head. “I mean yeah I’ve thought about it and I think I would like to get married one day. To be able to promise yourself to someone you love with all your heart forever would be an amazing feeling. What about you, have you thought about it?” 

“I didn’t for a very long time. I was never in a place where it would be possible to get married and have a family. But lately I’ve been thinking that it may one day be possible now that I’m learning to live a better life.” 

Y/N nodded and then put her head against Bucky’s chest again smiling at what he said. They danced in silence enjoying the moment and when the song ended Y/N looked over at the bar and then looked at Bucky. 

“You want a drink? I’m dying of thirst.” She asked and he nodded and smiled. 

He made his way over to the table where Steve and Sam were sitting and sat next to Steve. 

“This wedding is gorgeous.” Sam said and they all nodded

“Yeah it’s been an incredible evening.” Bucky said the smile from before still lingering on his lips. 

“So do you still want to go ring shopping tomorrow?” Steve asked

These last six months both Y/N and Bucky had worked hard at getting past what they had done to each other. Every day they had been honest with each other, even when it was hard. As the weeks went by it became easier and easier to get to a place in their relationship where they had reached a new level of trust and love, far surpassing where they had ever been before. 

Bucky had kept up with the therapy and Y/N had even started talking to her own therapist working out her own issues. They even went to couples therapy to talk about what happened. Together they were growing to be the happiest they have ever been and Bucky was sure that having her with him as he did all this made it a thousand times easier than if they would’ve chosen to take this path alone. Bucky looked over at Y/N who was standing with Ian and Toby laughing. She looked beautiful, she looked happy and he knew that he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with her. 

“Absolutely.”


End file.
